THE LIST

dirty kettle one martinis straight up no olives. jack and cokes. car bombs. mary kates. and whatever rocky road i turn down i seem to have this medical condition where i lose my shit before i get home. i know that a lot of people donate coats this time of year and that there is a box to put old eyeglasses for oprans at the abortion clinic in rio grande and to come to think of it they collect unwanted cell phones at walmart for battered woman who have a bit of a nose candy problem and issues with their baby daddies. all the pregnant single ladies, put you crack pipes UP. so, as we go to apply a fresh coat of paint on god's casa and i think obama is going to be slapping some paint up on dat white house, too.
here is the list of things i donated this year to the less fortunate due to my hot mess misfortune ass. drum roll please.

1. green lands end down vest.
2. jcrew crew track coat
3. one green jcrew flip flop.
4. lacoste baseball hat.
5. navy blazer.
6. black lands end down vest
7. laccoste winter gloves.
8. jcrew scarf.
9. brown h&m hoody
10. jcrew hoody.
11. jack spade wallet. actually got the wallet back minus the 80. 00 dollars.

can you guess what one of my resolutions for 2009 is going to be? TRUST.

i am not going to get all tree sap on you and gush and mush over the new year blah blah. just keep it real. try to be true to yourself and remember if there is a bitch in the room be a bigger one. SNAP.

P.S. can i write these items off on my taxes.

33 CENT REWARD

i do not know where the real christopher michael cleary is at this moment in time. i have got my glue gun out and pasted his profile pic from facebook on every milk carton in the bergen county area. actually, just the a&p in closter, nj. i accented his baby blues with robins egg extra fine martha stewart glitter. duh? i think he has stockholm syndrome from the large amounts of sugar and sodium from the extended stay on walnut street. i will find him. i will shave off his beard. i will make him eat kashi. i will fat free him. i will light and fit his ass. shave it too? i will steam his veggies. i will make him burn his tent and join fat camp again. you better get his chubby girl sleeping bag. cmc will rise from the ashes and be reborn again. as a bunch of bananas?
wait, i think i see jesus christ in my grilled cheese. oh shit, that is just a bread n butter pickle.
oops, my bad mary.

WTF IS A PFD?

whisk on high for 30 seconds till stiff peaks form. kathie lee gifford dripping in a sequined anchor summer tank dress on a beautiful ship telling me all the fierce things carnival cruise line has to offer. i would imagine myself in my gloria vanderbilt bikini soaking up the sun while sipping on 5 or 6 alabama slammers in a coconut shell with an orchard holding my strawberry blonde locks in a french twist... a dozen tom sellecks splashing in the duck pond nearby. kikin' my way to the captain's table with a plate full of alsakan king crab legs, shrimp, and a twice baked potato dripping with sour cream and chives...then making my way to the disco tech where i would dance the night away in my violet halston wrap around dress. actually, i think i am mixing up a cup of saturday night fever with a cup of the love boat with two eggs and 1/4 cup of fantasy island and splash of pure vanila extract. demi more like a pitcher of strawberry pina coladas and a sheet of acid. TELL ME MORE KATHIE. will i meet the man of my dreams when we dock port in aruba? well, we all know to skip that island. local boys gone wild coming to netflix soon. in the early 90's i got my talons on a beta copy of the classic oscar award winning movie called overboard staring the brilliant goldie hawn. love her of course. her daughter, kate. she is like a tepid cup of tea with a soggy biscuit on the side. sounds like a good idea but not so much . then the waters got real choppy and i felt like jaws ripped my right arm off...HEY WAIT HOW AM I GOING TO BE ABLE TO DO JAZZ HANDS? edit scene. so it is more like mr. moby dick took a big ol' shit in my mouth. charmin 2-ply diamond weave is amazing and there is a coupon in better homes and gardens this month and it is on sale at the CVS. my ol' jewish gram mama called it shmatta. christopher, be a doll pick me up a roll of shmatta and don't forget to let your uncle taste your matzo balls on the way out. let's just say uncle jerry always came back for seconds and spit shine his bowl every time.
fast forward the 8 track to the here and now. there is an official cardinal rule in jangleville. we don't do cruises. don't get on a boat with your LV steamer trunks and set sail off to some fucked up third world country where natives are trying to sell you necklaces made out of broken shells on shoestrings. why? if kathie lee loves them why don't the residents of jangleville? one word: booze. our shit needs to be on solid ground and our talons need to be sunk firmly in our nests. we need to be bumpin' off parked cars on the way home from a night of 5 or 6 martinis and waking up on planet earth in a puddle of lettuce, glitter, and popcorn. NOT OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GULF OF MEXICO. HELLS TO THE NO. why do you keep asking why? we don't need to be "that girl" the one that is on the survillance camera all banged up up stoli playing bumper cars with the chaise lounge chairs then flipping over the railing of the ship on christmas night in her white nightgown. attention cruise members, we have a drunk vulcan whore overboard. please feel to visit our chocolate fantasy buffet at midnight and the disco will be open for an extra hour due to day lights savings time. actually, if your lucky you will be the "other girl" the one with a russian roofie in her cocktail and ends up pulling a britney spears and waking up face down in the berber only to find the new hubby did a triple inward pike dive off the balcony with his cuban cigar in his mouth. the german judge gives him a 9.8 and they call that dive back home the fidal castro flying banana saucer.
i will hold on for dear life to my childhood memories of kathie lee kickin her heels up on the leader deck? triple decker club sandwich? huh? and to the good ol' days when i used to put on my mom's blonde wig and roleplay that i was Julie McCoy and my next store neighbor's dad would be captain stubing....he would always want me to mop up the deck...and i would say where the hell is issac washington? shouldn't he be a janitor not a bartender? c'mon ain't 2009 obama ain't da white house yet.
all i know is that unless my winter 2009 jcrew catalog comes tomorrow and they start sewing personal floatation devices into there cruise line. i aint won't be sailing to ibiza on atlantis with a couple thousand gym bunnies and circuit kweens this february for my 40th. I am going to stick to laying in my cast iron tub sippin off my box of wine nestled on top of my toliet..love, exciting and new....come aboard, we are expecting you...oh fuck i dropped my iphone.
p.s. we don't need to be married to "that guy" either. the one that takes a paper bag of quarters to the slot machines a couple hours after he realizes you payced into the pacific to try and turn his luck around. that what a fried chicken foot is for, kids.

10 STIGWOOD AVENUE

1992 was a rollercoaster ride for me...white knucklin' the safety bars going up the rickety wooden tracks. clickety clack. clickety clack. my car about to reach the top and drop 500 ft into the bermuda pink triangle. my cuz, john paul calls wooden rollercoasters "woodies" he is an avid six flags frequent rider and he has a map of the usa over his bunk beds and he thumbtacks all the amusement parks he has been too. he spends all winter collecting scrap metal from run down cars and camps out at the local junk yards for pipes, wires, and ol' tools...then spends the summers zig zaggin it thru the redwood forests in search of the ultimate coast. once, we were driving down rt 47 in his pickup and he saw a fridge on the side of the road. brakes locking. rubber burning. smacking my face into the dashboard so hard i chip my front tooth. my good diamond encrusted brass tooth. the amazing part he clocked it with his glass eye. actually, the world's oldest roller coaster in the world is in lakemont park in altoona, pa. I can see Leap The Dips rollercoaster from my house. ride that one to space mountain, sarah palin.
what year was it? oh yeah, 1992. NBC was wrapping up its last season of my bbf, the cosby show. i loved mr. hux's colorful sweaters. lisa bonet later went on to marry lenny kravitz. HELLO? enough said. it put a little bit of hope and sparkle into my baby blues and i thought i am going to move up from cart boy and i am going to be the asst. manager of the deli counter of the north cape may acme one day..and own a double wide trailer and find me a big ol' dark and handsome italian stallion to live happily ever after. SHREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETCH. sorry, i was daydreaming and starting weaving over the double yellow line and the 552 was comin' down the way from A/C. pull over by those bushes, i gotta drop the cosbys off at da pool. the summer of 1992 was magical. i started sleeping with my best friend's older brother. nothing beats the ice cream truck more than meeting on hot summer night on the back roads of pequannock, nj. bjs from BJ in the front seat of his shiny black jeep wrangler. off roadin' in the burbs. fuck those long lines at six flags. i built my own woodie and it was not out of leggos, jeffery. can i get a what? what? give a shout out to all my single lady giraffes all up in my toys r us parkin' lot. put your hooves up..... tail gatin' with barbie, ken, and the posse sizzlin' up burgers over the easy bake and doin' keg stands with those bad ass cabbage patch kids.
GO EAGLES GO.
i got double penetration in the summer of 92 when god created MELROSE PLACE. hello, a magical apartment complex built around beautiful people and an in ground pool. and the emmy goes to jesus christ. I feel like I am living in a modern real life version of the cosbys live on melrose place. HOWEVER, the skillet sistas ain't no doctors. they sure as hell go see a lot of them. i am sure they graduated from the 4 grade back in 1920. yeah, right. ABC 123. do they give out honorary degrees for being bitter old nasty bitches? All the beautiful people don't hang out in front of a pool filled with sparkling crystal clear 85 degree water..... they hang out in a fire rat trap called chowder. where you could catch herpes, a cheap vodka buzz, and head lice all in one trip. actually, i am throwing the word beautiful around very loosely. tony usually is in the back alley of the chalfonte smoking a true cigarette beating down the staff with "the ugly stick"
let's form a single line and believe me you all will get your turn. staff dinner is at 4:45 and first rule of thumb is MAKE SURE to wash your hands and dick after a night in CHOWDA. i must be going i have to plug in 10 stigwood avenue into my GPS. i am going to celebrate the last day of Kwanzaa with the huxtibles. we are going to skin a goat in the back of their brownstone and i pray to god that lucille is bringing those world famous rolls. i am sure dot and her children will come empty handed again.
SOMETHINGS NEVER CHANGE.