THE LIST

dirty kettle one martinis straight up no olives. jack and cokes. car bombs. mary kates. and whatever rocky road i turn down i seem to have this medical condition where i lose my shit before i get home. i know that a lot of people donate coats this time of year and that there is a box to put old eyeglasses for oprans at the abortion clinic in rio grande and to come to think of it they collect unwanted cell phones at walmart for battered woman who have a bit of a nose candy problem and issues with their baby daddies. all the pregnant single ladies, put you crack pipes UP. so, as we go to apply a fresh coat of paint on god's casa and i think obama is going to be slapping some paint up on dat white house, too.
here is the list of things i donated this year to the less fortunate due to my hot mess misfortune ass. drum roll please.

1. green lands end down vest.
2. jcrew crew track coat
3. one green jcrew flip flop.
4. lacoste baseball hat.
5. navy blazer.
6. black lands end down vest
7. laccoste winter gloves.
8. jcrew scarf.
9. brown h&m hoody
10. jcrew hoody.
11. jack spade wallet. actually got the wallet back minus the 80. 00 dollars.

can you guess what one of my resolutions for 2009 is going to be? TRUST.

i am not going to get all tree sap on you and gush and mush over the new year blah blah. just keep it real. try to be true to yourself and remember if there is a bitch in the room be a bigger one. SNAP.

P.S. can i write these items off on my taxes.

33 CENT REWARD

i do not know where the real christopher michael cleary is at this moment in time. i have got my glue gun out and pasted his profile pic from facebook on every milk carton in the bergen county area. actually, just the a&p in closter, nj. i accented his baby blues with robins egg extra fine martha stewart glitter. duh? i think he has stockholm syndrome from the large amounts of sugar and sodium from the extended stay on walnut street. i will find him. i will shave off his beard. i will make him eat kashi. i will fat free him. i will light and fit his ass. shave it too? i will steam his veggies. i will make him burn his tent and join fat camp again. you better get his chubby girl sleeping bag. cmc will rise from the ashes and be reborn again. as a bunch of bananas?
wait, i think i see jesus christ in my grilled cheese. oh shit, that is just a bread n butter pickle.
oops, my bad mary.

WTF IS A PFD?

whisk on high for 30 seconds till stiff peaks form. kathie lee gifford dripping in a sequined anchor summer tank dress on a beautiful ship telling me all the fierce things carnival cruise line has to offer. i would imagine myself in my gloria vanderbilt bikini soaking up the sun while sipping on 5 or 6 alabama slammers in a coconut shell with an orchard holding my strawberry blonde locks in a french twist... a dozen tom sellecks splashing in the duck pond nearby. kikin' my way to the captain's table with a plate full of alsakan king crab legs, shrimp, and a twice baked potato dripping with sour cream and chives...then making my way to the disco tech where i would dance the night away in my violet halston wrap around dress. actually, i think i am mixing up a cup of saturday night fever with a cup of the love boat with two eggs and 1/4 cup of fantasy island and splash of pure vanila extract. demi more like a pitcher of strawberry pina coladas and a sheet of acid. TELL ME MORE KATHIE. will i meet the man of my dreams when we dock port in aruba? well, we all know to skip that island. local boys gone wild coming to netflix soon. in the early 90's i got my talons on a beta copy of the classic oscar award winning movie called overboard staring the brilliant goldie hawn. love her of course. her daughter, kate. she is like a tepid cup of tea with a soggy biscuit on the side. sounds like a good idea but not so much . then the waters got real choppy and i felt like jaws ripped my right arm off...HEY WAIT HOW AM I GOING TO BE ABLE TO DO JAZZ HANDS? edit scene. so it is more like mr. moby dick took a big ol' shit in my mouth. charmin 2-ply diamond weave is amazing and there is a coupon in better homes and gardens this month and it is on sale at the CVS. my ol' jewish gram mama called it shmatta. christopher, be a doll pick me up a roll of shmatta and don't forget to let your uncle taste your matzo balls on the way out. let's just say uncle jerry always came back for seconds and spit shine his bowl every time.
fast forward the 8 track to the here and now. there is an official cardinal rule in jangleville. we don't do cruises. don't get on a boat with your LV steamer trunks and set sail off to some fucked up third world country where natives are trying to sell you necklaces made out of broken shells on shoestrings. why? if kathie lee loves them why don't the residents of jangleville? one word: booze. our shit needs to be on solid ground and our talons need to be sunk firmly in our nests. we need to be bumpin' off parked cars on the way home from a night of 5 or 6 martinis and waking up on planet earth in a puddle of lettuce, glitter, and popcorn. NOT OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GULF OF MEXICO. HELLS TO THE NO. why do you keep asking why? we don't need to be "that girl" the one that is on the survillance camera all banged up up stoli playing bumper cars with the chaise lounge chairs then flipping over the railing of the ship on christmas night in her white nightgown. attention cruise members, we have a drunk vulcan whore overboard. please feel to visit our chocolate fantasy buffet at midnight and the disco will be open for an extra hour due to day lights savings time. actually, if your lucky you will be the "other girl" the one with a russian roofie in her cocktail and ends up pulling a britney spears and waking up face down in the berber only to find the new hubby did a triple inward pike dive off the balcony with his cuban cigar in his mouth. the german judge gives him a 9.8 and they call that dive back home the fidal castro flying banana saucer.
i will hold on for dear life to my childhood memories of kathie lee kickin her heels up on the leader deck? triple decker club sandwich? huh? and to the good ol' days when i used to put on my mom's blonde wig and roleplay that i was Julie McCoy and my next store neighbor's dad would be captain stubing....he would always want me to mop up the deck...and i would say where the hell is issac washington? shouldn't he be a janitor not a bartender? c'mon ain't 2009 obama ain't da white house yet.
all i know is that unless my winter 2009 jcrew catalog comes tomorrow and they start sewing personal floatation devices into there cruise line. i aint won't be sailing to ibiza on atlantis with a couple thousand gym bunnies and circuit kweens this february for my 40th. I am going to stick to laying in my cast iron tub sippin off my box of wine nestled on top of my toliet..love, exciting and new....come aboard, we are expecting you...oh fuck i dropped my iphone.
p.s. we don't need to be married to "that guy" either. the one that takes a paper bag of quarters to the slot machines a couple hours after he realizes you payced into the pacific to try and turn his luck around. that what a fried chicken foot is for, kids.

10 STIGWOOD AVENUE

1992 was a rollercoaster ride for me...white knucklin' the safety bars going up the rickety wooden tracks. clickety clack. clickety clack. my car about to reach the top and drop 500 ft into the bermuda pink triangle. my cuz, john paul calls wooden rollercoasters "woodies" he is an avid six flags frequent rider and he has a map of the usa over his bunk beds and he thumbtacks all the amusement parks he has been too. he spends all winter collecting scrap metal from run down cars and camps out at the local junk yards for pipes, wires, and ol' tools...then spends the summers zig zaggin it thru the redwood forests in search of the ultimate coast. once, we were driving down rt 47 in his pickup and he saw a fridge on the side of the road. brakes locking. rubber burning. smacking my face into the dashboard so hard i chip my front tooth. my good diamond encrusted brass tooth. the amazing part he clocked it with his glass eye. actually, the world's oldest roller coaster in the world is in lakemont park in altoona, pa. I can see Leap The Dips rollercoaster from my house. ride that one to space mountain, sarah palin.
what year was it? oh yeah, 1992. NBC was wrapping up its last season of my bbf, the cosby show. i loved mr. hux's colorful sweaters. lisa bonet later went on to marry lenny kravitz. HELLO? enough said. it put a little bit of hope and sparkle into my baby blues and i thought i am going to move up from cart boy and i am going to be the asst. manager of the deli counter of the north cape may acme one day..and own a double wide trailer and find me a big ol' dark and handsome italian stallion to live happily ever after. SHREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETCH. sorry, i was daydreaming and starting weaving over the double yellow line and the 552 was comin' down the way from A/C. pull over by those bushes, i gotta drop the cosbys off at da pool. the summer of 1992 was magical. i started sleeping with my best friend's older brother. nothing beats the ice cream truck more than meeting on hot summer night on the back roads of pequannock, nj. bjs from BJ in the front seat of his shiny black jeep wrangler. off roadin' in the burbs. fuck those long lines at six flags. i built my own woodie and it was not out of leggos, jeffery. can i get a what? what? give a shout out to all my single lady giraffes all up in my toys r us parkin' lot. put your hooves up..... tail gatin' with barbie, ken, and the posse sizzlin' up burgers over the easy bake and doin' keg stands with those bad ass cabbage patch kids.
GO EAGLES GO.
i got double penetration in the summer of 92 when god created MELROSE PLACE. hello, a magical apartment complex built around beautiful people and an in ground pool. and the emmy goes to jesus christ. I feel like I am living in a modern real life version of the cosbys live on melrose place. HOWEVER, the skillet sistas ain't no doctors. they sure as hell go see a lot of them. i am sure they graduated from the 4 grade back in 1920. yeah, right. ABC 123. do they give out honorary degrees for being bitter old nasty bitches? All the beautiful people don't hang out in front of a pool filled with sparkling crystal clear 85 degree water..... they hang out in a fire rat trap called chowder. where you could catch herpes, a cheap vodka buzz, and head lice all in one trip. actually, i am throwing the word beautiful around very loosely. tony usually is in the back alley of the chalfonte smoking a true cigarette beating down the staff with "the ugly stick"
let's form a single line and believe me you all will get your turn. staff dinner is at 4:45 and first rule of thumb is MAKE SURE to wash your hands and dick after a night in CHOWDA. i must be going i have to plug in 10 stigwood avenue into my GPS. i am going to celebrate the last day of Kwanzaa with the huxtibles. we are going to skin a goat in the back of their brownstone and i pray to god that lucille is bringing those world famous rolls. i am sure dot and her children will come empty handed again.
SOMETHINGS NEVER CHANGE.

SPEED MY PLOW, TOM?

just spent the last two hours weeding my way thru over 90 channels with my aunt riri trying to find something half way decent on tv. NBC was replaying the Beijing opening ceremony. WTF? who wants to see that shit over again. oh my god, i was so busy camping in ohio i missed the Chinese ballet interpreting a tsunami while leona lewis sings bleeding love. i need that as much i need a extra egg roll on my poo poo platter. oh shit. super size that side of white rice, Soon Yee.
There were fucking two sandra bullock movies on. two fucking bad ones. i am trying to remember if she was in any good movies? who or what made her famous.? PAUSE. i am going to google her ass and see what she was good in because right now i have no clue. i think it was speed. actually, this movie called the lake house is on with mr. reeves in it too. some crazy ass shit where they talk to each other thru letters that time travel thru this mailbox at the lake house? OMG. now i get the title. well, it is total crap. i am going to write a movie where i time travel thru my iphone to tomorrow and make a loaf of banana bread. then, when i wake up i can have banana bread ready for when i have my morning coffee...NOW IF THAT IS NOT A SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER..i don't know what is? take that dark knight. i want the next batman installment to have a villian that throws deadly banana peels at batman and they are like boomarangs too. interesting? who should play that character? feedback, please. i then got to the pay per view channels and their is a 30 minute movie called anal crazed. really? oh aunt riri let's watch this soft gay porn to kill the time. we are trying out weekend aides for my aunt. so, i called doris in from kenya and she said she likes anal crazed. but she is buck wild over anal beads on speed starring sandy bullock. i handed off the remote to my aunt at 9pm and i fled back to walnut street.
i am watching ron popeil on dvd explaining all the amazing uses of the 5-tray electric food dehydrator i got for xmas from my brother, greg. you just put the banana slices on one of the trays or up to 5. or you can mix/match fruit cocktail or meats actually, i would leave room for a tray of glitter. then you just "SET IT AND FORGET IT" Ronnie is fricking genius. i am going to be up so late tonight because next on my list is to watch the pocket fisherman dvd. I am going to visit my cousins in tennesse and we always have to catch our dinner. i know it sounds so backwoods and you feel like you should be riding down the river with huckleberry Finn. i try to go along with it and roll up a pair of d&g jeans and wear a vintage patchwork flannel from jcrew. i draw the line when it comes to suckin on a piece of wheat and fucking my cousin, melissa. however, i am flexible and i could give my cousin, doug a quick blowjob behind the mulberry bush before we portion out the trout to 6oz filets. So, if you were wondering what I was doing this new year's eve, you now know. i am playing the part of tom sawyer at cape may stage and i will be sippin on moonshine and playin madonna on my washboard at the after party in the villas.

TICK TOCK TICK TOCK. I ONLY GOT 4 MINUTES TO CATCH AN STD.

MS. SPEARS I THINK WE HAVE A PROBLEM

i am having a britney moment. i shaved my head. i am driving around with one of bbf's at 1am in jersey looking for starbucks. i am bustin' windows and pimpin' the ho's and creepin' the peeps.
actually, i am just tired and had a long day on the orient express to woodbury commons and my sugar coma was serious today.
more to follow.
tick tock to 2009.
resolutions are growing, like a dog in heat.
yeah, boyz.

CHRISTMAS FRUIT CAKE

every year my uncle jerome brings a watermelon from west virginia up for christmas. we cut open glad trash bags up and line the living room floor. mama hangs the watermelon from some ol' fishing line and we get a broom stick out. we take turns breakin up that big ol' piece of juicy fruit. once it breaks open and smashes into bits and pieces on da floor. everyone races to collect as many watermelon seeds as possible. whoever has the most seeds is going to have good luck in the coming year and good health. actually, my great aunt lucille thompson told me it means the youngest child is going to get knocked up and the oldest is going to die poor without a man. there is 10 minutes left to christmas and i have sticky hands from the watermelon. i was the winner today with 34 watermelon seeds, i guess i am going to wake up january 1 2009 collecting unemployment and no dick in my bed. oh wait, that already came true. happy birthday jesus. i will remember to get you an ice cream cake next year.

CHRISTMAS EVE OR ADAM AND STEVE

nothing says christmas like blissmas in the lovely town of maplewood. ms. k and mr. m throw a hell of a party. like to give a shout out to everyone that was wearing pearls last night. P.S. that was half the joint. christmas cords were in effect. santa's little helper was licking scraps of food of the floor. the rugs kept getting fucked up. that is a sign of a great sioree. the food was ol' school traditional hearty tasty food. no fucking cheese ball dyed the color of port wine and yellow dye #3. fierce crab cakes. a dip that i thought had lemon in it. actually that was my kettle and soda that had 5 lemons in it. MY MARTINI HAS 9 OLIVES IN IT. the only good thing about fruit in your cocktail is it tracks how many drinks you have. other than that, it is bad news and the only thing worse is when you wake up in the alley of the washington mall with your pants around your ankles. NOW THAT IS BAD ICE. don't mistake that with black ice. that is dot burton's son, who is a trannie drag queen coke whore "working" up in atlantic city. atlantic city is such a beautiful place. yeah, if your fucking high on crack whistling dixie thru your one chipped tooth.
SUGAR SNAP PEAS.
back to kissmissbliss. we took family photos in front of the tree. genie always cries tears of joy that she has a father that doesn't work in the dept of sanitation swingin off the back of a truck slinging other's people's recyclables. yeah, i am trying to be green this year. screw that shit. screw that whole foods organic food, eggs, milk, dish soap, toxic free bullshit. bring me a box of radon covered bananas and serve them to me on a Styrofoam plate and wash it with hot water. leave the water on. then throw the plate out of your car window while your driving your diesel VW to HOME DEPOT. support big business. i am leaving out the best part of the event they had ol' school smithfield style country ham. the one that is a salt lick. a baby fetus from a dodgey farmer's daughter abortion. banana nut crunch, beyatches. everyone was humpin the shit out of it. i just have to watch dot soak that shit all summer so we don't get along. we sit at different lunch tables and never play jacks together on the playground. i wear lacoste. she wears sears.
i have been out to eat 3 times today and is only 2pm. i heart jlc. he ironed my pillowcases and followed my socks and hung up my white t shirt to dry. he is waiting me on to get the ruler out to measure the table cloth to make sure it is the same length on the dining room table. sounds like my kind of xmas. he always told me he sent out 125 xmas cards in usa. 75 international. he has been getting zillions of cards, packages, and emails from priests in ireland. don't ya love that. he is upstairs peeling 4 pounds of fresh jumbo shrimp for the raw bar at cleary xmas.
i have to end this now because i have this tradition where i go down to the homeless shelter, the one where all those people live who have lost their houses and $$$ due to fire, water, or crack. i want to help out and reach out my hand to them during this time of year. i just reach out my hand to throw my cigarette out and i drive right by to hit starbucks drive-thru. maybe next year i won't litter and help somebody less fortune out. in the meantime, where is a mirror to check my lipgloss? never know who ya gonna run into in your hometown at the holidays.
p.s.s.s MOTHER NATURE GET OUT YOUR DARK GREEN CRAYON EARTH IS LOOKING A LITTLE SHABBY CHIC AND I HATE THAT LOOK.

PARDON ME?

i only really had to get 6 small gifts for my nephews and nieces. minus one in the navy. cannot send gifts from target or hollister to boot camp. actually, there should be a target on every military base so while their are training how to shoot anything that moves overseas they take that built up angst out by buying some archer farm crackers or some choxie truffles or a new video game for their Wii.
i could not find anything for one of my nephews and one of my nieces so i am attaching my name to JLC/FOMO gifts. gingerbread snaps.
i got the kadie, mark, genie, and taylor "blissmas" party tonight in maplewood. p.s. i am spending the night. i pray to the menorah that i remain on my feet and at no point do i end up laying or rolling or sitting on the floors of their house. fucking hot egg nog mess, CMC.
as the clock tick tocks and the days of 2008 disappear. i am thankful for a lot of things more so then say in the middle of a year when i am self asborded. always saying ME. MYSELF. I. always looking for anything shiny to catch my reflection. carrying the attitude i am gonna fuck you over before you fuck me. actually, that is the gay verison of tag.
I am thankful I am not living in Buffalo, NY these days. 1. erie county is not the look. 2. mother nature car bombed them with ice and snow this week. I am thankful that I am not a sixth grader in mansfield, texas. Why? I am one sloppy joe when it comes to eatting my cookies on the 552. well, these kids got cookie crumbs on the bus ride home and the bus driver told them that he was going to slit their wrists if they did not admit to being the cookie monsters. now that is some good tv. subplot in high school musical 4? always thinkin' mr. disney. i am thankful that i have been home for only 2 days and i have been out to eat 7 times. i feel like such a fat blue pig as i sit right here BUT i just have to drive my mental rental over to target, bed, bath, and beyond, and pathmark and see that they are a lot people out their drowning in a sea of carmel corn, cupcakes, and brown gravy. i am sure they are a lot of people who are making new year's resolutions to lose weight in 2009. SURE THEY ARE. is there any hope over 200 pounds? isn't that the sequel to will smith's 8 pounds starring Oprah????? cmc's resolutions 1. size 30 waist.
DEMI MOORE TO COME. I am thankful that President Bush pardoned Fugees Producer and Rapper John Forte who was serving a 14yr sentence for possession of 31 pounds of liquid cocaine. a nice christmas message to all the peeps livin' in the hood. why go to school? why get a job? why use birth control? why not carry fire arms? why not? don't need to why you have a slim chance some white man high up the hill may save the day.
the last thing i am thankful is that none of carlie simon's cds will be in my stockings this year. i liked her better when she had stage fright and stayed in her banana bubble on martha's vineyard
"i had some nightmares they were crack vials in my couch, crack vials in my couch. you so fucking strung out you probably think this song is about you."
8 days to start your life over with a fresh coat off rust proof paint, kids.

light starch and hanger, Ho Min.

buffalo chicken dip filled the air. the blue spruce was singin' silent night. mother nature hung crystals on all the tree branches and the lawns were wrapped in snowy blankets. lebanon, pa was it's a wonderful life 2.0 i thought i was borrowing the iron to bring back to the mansion to iron my wool/cashmere patchwork limited edition jcrew slacks. INCORRECT. they were having an ironing station at the party. right next to the dining room table filled with a glorious selection of savories and sweets, i would have a picnic table set up with a iron, spray n starch, and ironing board. guests could line up and i would wrinkle free everything from xmas sweaters, oxfords, pants, and a portable steamer next to the tree for fine silks and cocktail dresses/skirts.
OMG WTF BBQ.
GTFO.
GFY.
FOAD.
i am cereal, no one puts bambino in da corners, papi.
JLC just threw a snowball at me..."you shouldn't wear your hat in the house...your gonna lose all your hair" then he just turned the lights up in the room so high that my eyes are twitchin'. home sweet and sour home. pass me the miso soup and don't hog all the pork friend rice, you MSG whore. i just rubbed my eyed and realized i never blended in my prep-h under my eyes before i went out xmas shopping so i probably look like a piece of fried chicken tea bagged my eyes all day. i guess you could call that a dot burton pearl necklace? oh shit and those pearls are 100 percent dipped, bitch.
FOMO COCKTAIL BREAK: we just cracked open the champagne and i am sippin it in the living room as i type and she puts the first box labeled "good balls" up on the tree. i wonder where we keep the bad balls?
ok, so my iron is all heated up and i am behind my station at on east high street. ok people line up in a single file. make sure you have a ticket for me....ok people single file. NO PUSHING. if you start pushing. you will lose your turn and have to go to the back of the line. ok, take your pants off. hey no back talking. ok, sir you want a nice pleat in your trousers. please let's only have one line. tony can you go and get me another bottle of spray n starch. christina, be a dear and go get another case of hangers. after 3 hours of constant pressing and de wrinkling i was set free to drink, eat, be merry? no, i then i was assigned to dirty paper plates, empty glasses, and scanning the floors for lost canapes and christmas cookie crumbs duty. i thought it was a given that tony was going to be a busser and server for the party being the only token "black"....actually the only minority at the party. well, there were some gays there.....they like to think of themselves as the queens of the crop..but we all know they are like bottom feeders sucking every other plankton off. pig play and water sports. rejoice and amen. it could be worse i could be living in zimbanwe standing along a road in matabeleland, barefoot stuffing my pockets with corn kernels that have blown off the truck that are made for animal feed but stuffing in my pocket like they are gold coins.
AND I AIN'T MAKING THAT PART UP. I read about them on the front page of the new york times... what a wonderful world we live in? only in america can a baby be born with a tumor in the side of her head but then they operate and find out that she had a mcdonalds happy meal in that tumor. a little mr. potato head with exchangable hands and feet and funny noses too or what was it a slinky or maybe a shrinky dink? i get my happy meal toys mixed all the time.
gosh darn shucks.
NOW THAT IS BANANAS FOSTER POTATO AU GRATIN.

20 percent off all christmas items

i am too busy stuffing my face with chocolate covered macaroons and sippin on tea. i just went out to get xmas gifts for the kids. i only found two gifts. i have 4 to go. hello, it is the 23rd tomorrow. rental car was made extra special from a guest appearance by JLC. i just don't feel like bloggin' today. i wil put it on the back burner next to my mulled wine and the bunny i am cooking.

TILT

game over. at jlc's. took me 5.5 to get here. pj's on and wondering why scrubs is coming to abc. i don't enjoy that one. dad had a stylist put his outside lights up. he sent my xmas card from his house to his house so i would have it before xmas. he took me out for a tasty cake din dins and toasted my diet coke for his birthday present. HEART HIM AGAIN. P.S. arts and crafts was cancelled due to snow and tree is not up because of arts/crafts work area. i hate the phrase the pay it forward. really? i really hate when some kween says gay it forward. my great uncle jerry used to say fuck it dogstyle. actually, that was my aunt jean and i think it was more like smell yo dick. sorry my mind is like mushy canned pears from my beautiful weekend in lebanon visiting bootsy collins, mama boots, and baby boots. i met so many great peeps and the stories are endless and glory hole ious. ginger snap. i will have a nice porter house blog for you tomorrow. some hot juicy meat you can get your mouth around. FUCK THIS TOFU BULLSHIT FLUFF. AIN'T HAVING IT.

state of emergency

i am in Lebanon, PA for the weekend. boots all over the world.
stay tuned. things are going HD digital cable.
things are going to be crystal clear.

WINTER WEATHER ADVISORY

i just got a weather update on good morning america from JLC's front deck. He is calling for a messy mix of snow/sleet with dangerous driving conditions and a big heaping of icing on trees and roads. watch out for black ice, she is one big fat nasty black tranny. oh my oh my. i just repacked my suitcases from 3 to 1 huge black titanic steamer trunk. actually, it has wheels so i won't be re adjusting my shit all over my shoulders and breaking out in a sweat before i get to my final desitation on sunday which the JLC compound. I am venturing on the 315 is it? or 513? to philly today then driving out to Lancaster, PA to visit john john aka boots for some holiday cheer. tony is/was invited but i don't see him out and about in the daylight and i don't see him dealing with wintery weather either. his black ass probably melts quickier than the wicked witch of the eastern block. very touchy times overseas. there is problems i think with oil, guns, and i think we have a problem with a couple countries but their names escape me...they start with vowels, which is weird because i think of how a lot of our states start with the letter N. something to think about. it is a brain teaser or an ABC slushee...mmmmmmm i heart wawa ones with half coke and half cherry. very enjoyable. add a hoagie. GOLDEN, BABY.
i had dream about my childhood friend, nefertiti, last night. her family moved out from coney island. Her mom, Cristal, made the best matzo ball soup i have ever tasted and let me tell you i went thru a brief period back in the 90's where i only dated jewish boys...big noses...big........oh well, the whole no xmas tree and lights and glitter washes a lot of those dreams right down the drain. actually, sometimes i would have to get a little drano out to force that shit down my pipes.
anyway, back to nefertiti she looked like an italian bette milder in my eyes. we used to race inch worms on Central Ave in North Haledon. She introduced me to her friends, Strawberry Shortcake and Holly Hobby. I introduced her to the village of the Smurfs and I made magic by lightbulb and made her a birthday cakes from my easy bake oven. I blame that toy and my mother's death having me fend for food in the nest on why I am a fry cook at north cape may mcdonalds today. I HAD BIG DREAMS. I WAS GOING TO BE SOMEONE. I WAS GOING TO BE ON BROADWAY. I WAS GOING TO BE A MOVER AND A SHAKER. the only thing moving these days is my shit back n forth from the tin house to 309 howard...and the only thing shaking is mr. augustine's bullet full of my poison. if clay aiken can have a baby and be in spamlot. then golly i think this fag can make it too.....follow the glitter lettuce brick road. click my red crocs together 3 times. oh enough with the wizard of oz references, dorthory.
ok, back to my friend, Nef, I had a dream that she was had a sweat shop in Cape May and they were making cashmere and lambswool sweaters for jcrew. my heart was torn between draping a new sweater vest on or the wealthfare of these kids. i woke up sweating and screaming...i ran straight to my closet and put on my newest lambswool jcrew sweater and i rocked/cried myself back to sleep praying that 18yr old chinese people were sewing the suede patches on my cardies.
i am getting worked up again...with christmas so close everything is getting me misty. i was crying at a laxative commerical the other day. life goes on and we lose touch with a lot of people from our past. actually, they creep back in your life via facebook now. so no worries there. i guess it is fitting that i had a dream about neffie last night because i used to dress up in my mother's halston dresses and pearls..and she would take snapshots with JLC's polaroid camera. I used to hid them under my bed and i sometimes showed the boy down the street, steve them he enjoyed them A LOT. well, it is a sad day today because polaroid filed for chapter 11 this morning. I guess I will have to start using my webcam when I am in the South Jersey M 4 crossing dressing men chat room. It ain't 1979 anymore, it is going to be 2009. oh how i long for the days of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, apple juice, and riding a worm with wheels to the royal wife of Egypt's house.

virginias is for lovers. decembers is for fools

up at the crack of dawn. AGAIN. i had a little pre xmas ho ho ho hostess cupcake and cocktail thang with the wednesday group at the brown room. it was very lovely. i was so hung ova yesterday but i entered the kettle one iron man and had 3 seniors and two juniors. NG, how you feeling this glorious morning? i am riding on thin ice and my skates are not dorthory hams, they are brian botanos on gin n juice and a hit of crack. enough about my monkeys.
my birthday was a smashing hit. i got the engagement ring from tiffany's from the Mr. it is platinum with a smart ring of diamonds but not too tony sopranos meets my so-called life. oh shit, let's give a shout out to an ol' school show. that was the shnizzle, nigga. i cannot even tell you how many emails, texts, and calls i got yesterday wishing me the best as i enter into a new chapter of my life. the 40's. i remember it like yesterday turning 10 and getting out my hot glue gun and glittering away fomo's vogue magazines and sniffin' at the guy's underwear ads. now those are some childhood memories to lock in the hope chest. yeah, get me some gasoline and will send it out to sea and torch that shit. anygay, the florist showed up 4 times with a variety of flowers and one tacky arrangement from you know who! SNAP. then, i got dressed to the 9's. more like the 4.5's and went to my birthday party at congress hall. it was amazing race. is that show even on still?
everyone was there. kate and paul from montclair. katie and brandon from clearwater. baracky and michelle from chicago. tom and katie from l.a. smurfette and papa smurf from the left side of my brain. the cake was amazing. 3 layers of golden chiffon wrapped in chocolate ganache and dripping with 24k gold leaf bananas. a tear is running down my china doll face right now. RICE? rice a roni the san fran doggie treat. san fran is on the stove still, just simmering children. FYI.
lots of laughs. lots of cocktails. lots of good times. now onto more important things. what could be more important than christopher michael's birthday?
i am only 36 years old and my birthday is february 4th 1972. you can write to the paterson hospital if need be. i know what was my parents fucking thinking having me born in that dumpy city. not the look, mr. lagerfield. actually, MY BLOG TURNED 40 YESTERDAY. it was the 40th installment.i did not turn 40 and december 17th is JLC's birthday. i think i will have to start writing disclaimers on my emails and blogs. well, thank you for all the best wishes and i actually had an excellent day. i did get engaged but we are going to get married in greece this spring. so, don't expect a huge wedding at congress hall with all the blah blah blah...i know i know it sounds like a copycat wedding. but we both have dicks and i am not wearing white.
happy pre birthday jesus. isn't he like 400 in church years on the 25th of december?

episode 40

the scene opens with grey skies and a bit of chili fries in the air...me standing on columbia street in a full length chanel gown, hair in an up do by edward kohl. swimming in diamonds and soaking wet with pearls. my lipstick is brick red...the trees start to whistle...i start to break out in song...mamma mia don't ever let you go? the soundtrack then goes into womanizer....victorian dancers come out of nowhere we do a lavish dance number in the streets...i am not at all concerned that my buy one get one free express salads will get crushed i just keep on dancing...the gas laterns on howard street are filled with disco balls. i blink and everyone is gone..i am in my clothes from last night...still smelling like pizza and wings....coffee, cigarettes, and booze ooozing out of my pores...vision impaired. eyes bleeding. outfits to match. gifts to wrap. fudge to pack. netflix to watch. i am a very stylish girl. busy body queen bee on the prowl. time to buzz my way up to the hive and kick this shit into 5th gear. i wonder if santa is gonna be white or black this year? last year he was black, but actually it was two guys from wildwood breaking and entering for a cup of flour to make christmas cookies for their kids. oh what a winter wonderland. i wish snowflakes were pink mixed with glitter. note to mother nature: get your shit together and start making things happen.
the music dies and the scene fades to black.
exit stage left, beyatches.
i know your all going to be on your tip toes for episode 41.
P.S. JLC if you have been secretly watching my shit show...HAPPY 77th BIRTHDAY PAYCE.
i know mom is up in heaven with her feet up on her otto watching with a big bowl of p corn and a ice cold kettle one martini extra dirty and dry. CHOW CHOW FOR NOW.

A MIRACLE ON ROUTE 47.

hands down i was in the dumps yesterday. it was a number 3 combo meal: tired with two sides: boys and so so glitter fries. i was staring off into airport space most of the day. by the time i got on the 552 my eyes were burning from being up on the road before the sun came up yesterday to go to the airport with katie. gf, i feel for you because that drive is not the look. all the priests bring the side by side shakes and boys to the yard...oh shit, sing it....SING IT LOUD MOTHA FUCKA. can i get a what? what? can i get a HOLY ROLLA PAPA WAS A ROLLING STONE....nothing like breaking out into song in your coffee cup..shit, hit the brakes.... just when i thought there was no hope. I got on the 552 and let me tell ya it was like a big helping of ghetto sugar free fat free pudding. i think yesterday at the pudding bar they had butterscotch and german chocolate. sometimes they put too much coconut on top. so, i usually go lite on that. gets all stuck in my dentures and i usually don't have any floss with me, so i have to find something in my fanny pack to pick that shit out with. it turns into a chore. not cute.
back to the 227 i mean 552. there was a wigga aka black nig on the bus who was cryin' about how he was so hungry trying to get down to north cape may...yo, B i am so hungry yo that i feel my ribs comin thru my back....those people have to pack smart sensible treats for long trips like michelle's spiced nuts and katie's peppermint brownies..I THOUGHT EVERYONE KNOWS THAT. then, he was bitchin about how a friend sayin' they eat all his food at his place...YO, I BRING MY OWN CHIPS and SO DO YOU. he ends up eatting the chips we leave there. REALLY? i never realized that chips were a staple household item. well, when your wearing a dirty wifebeater, your "sweat" pants are 10x too big for you and your talking about getting off at the booze bus stop to pick up a 6 pack and some pretzels..i guess chips are a meal. i cannot fucking imagine what they consider holiday chips?????? it is probably filet mignon and shrimp cocktail to them. P.S. i don't heart six pack beer drinkers. 1.cans. 2.bloated on malt and hops 3. cans.
next stop, an oreo couple with a irish coffee baby. they had more shit than you could imagine. breaking down this huge stroller, then a car seat-baby carry on seat, two huge diaper bags.....p.s. they were a nasty print. nothing cute or maybe a nice burberry plaid...they looked like a tacky lunch bag for your hautre ghetto coutre brown bag processed cheese slice and boiled ham sandwich on acme white bread. OOOOOH NOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOO. the girl, who had a bit of a junk drawer when she came by my seat...she was soooooo out of breath..i was like "oh honey, you need an H20 tank. actually, i meant O2. oh my gawd, did you see oprah on the cover O for january. she is fat and thin. that is bananas. slim jim and bob's big boy. hmmmm, interesting.
there were some other scabs in the melting pot too, but i have to take this shit off of boil and let it simmer and get on with my day. let me just say that by the end of the 552, god shot me up with biggest needle of liquid crack and i was feeling no pain stumbling back to 309 howard street. i think FOX should do a show where they take millionaires who ride in limos, private jets, and helipcoters and make them take the 552 to from cape may to atlantic city. oh shit. now that is some good tv. i am back in my warm fuzzy banana bubble.....for now. the monkey is gonna jump back on my back friday. need to get my shots and stock up on raid. where else in the world can you ride next to a mexican dishwasher reading the lastest issue of mexico playboy where the playmate is dressed like a skanky slutty legs up in the air 24-7 virgin mary?
ONLY IN AMERICA.
ONLY ON THE 552.
FIGHT FOR THE RELEASE OF OUR TROOPS AND FREE PORN.

FROSTED FLAKES

i feel the ground trembling and the house of cards is about to crumble. when the dust settles the only one standing will be the queen of hearts. time to call your bluff.

caffeine and lifetime

there is nothing like waking up on a sunday morning not swimming in a kiddie pool of jack n cokes, kettle ones n soda, and cigarettes. i can keep my swimmies and two piece high school musical 2 bikini for next trip up stream to ybor city. i never have been to a flea market where they sell booze, corn dogs and sex toys all in the same parking lot. amazing race. we stopped for lunch at panera. i had a red bull in a bread bowl. they hold a lot soup, by the way. i am finishing off my last full day in florida at the pinellas county country club where the dress code is sporty spice chic and having killer shrimp with some of the locals. perfection. a game for all ages. i have to get back to the litter box or the sandtrap formally known as cape may tomorrow. why? i don't really know. actually, it is to get my costumes for the next act. how many weeks left before i have to go back to work? shhhhh. shut your mouth.

DEWERS N SMITHFIELD HAM

i never realized that lesbians had so much drama in their life. i thought they were fun loving flower power people sitting around braiding braclets out of hemp and singing carol king songs. " i liked to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony...blah blah blah....UNTIL, i met my cousin, mercedes maria lisa, in the lobby of the marriott marina hotel in downtown tampa, florida. she started ranting off about one in the navy, one in the army, one from the cheesecake factory , and one in a pear tree. did you know that you can transfer from one cheesecake factory to the other? i did not know you could cross state lines. actually, i think you need to go thru a corporate training program because depending on the region determines the flavors of chesecake. i know that when i went to the CF in costa rica they had a lot with bananas. ok back to LOGO. holy shit. brandon aka diva below the mason dixon line. is that like the jar or is it like the college george mason or.....had his 2nd xmas fit of the day. 1. over katie wanting to wrap the xmas presents for the stockings. really? really. i am going to debate that shit when i go to debate club back in north cape may at the VFW hall. go cape may cougars. don't get that mistaken for middle age girls who like younger guys. they are pumas. fit #2 over not being able to fit adult size elf tights for the xmas bar bike tour. i heart florida beef n beer blasts and old men over 65 who like to go out for early bird din dins at 430pm. i am so getting a sugar daddy dipped in glitter, lettuce, and popcorn.
back on ellen's ranch...my cousin, met this girl from jacksonville florida on the 3rd day she had her myspace. well, fast forward five hot mess minutes later she was packing up her wifebeaters and skate or die sneakers and moving to florida. someone get that girl a safety pin and pop her banana bubble. well, they never moved in together because her gay dreamcatcher home depot lightbulb went off and she found out the chic was a 35 loser with no job. no coins in da bank. no life. somewhere in the carpet munching puddin' there was a couple girls that looked like young skater boys. really? really. yes, i saw some camera phone pics. and yes, camera pics make you look more butch and add 8oz to you face. SNAP.
i am so glad that i met up with my cousin, mercedes maria lisa, because she opened a whole new can of tuna fish in oil to my eyes. have you ever googled google? it comes up goggle. actually, i am late because james lipton is interviewing me on inside the gay actors studio. the topic is my new documentary on bananas. it is very riveting and a tear jerker. i get a bunch of bananas and hand them out to homeless people. i am a mother fucking giver, people. so start giving this kwanza and the only time you should be getting something for nothing is when uncle charlie is jacked up on cocaine and dewers plowing the shit out of your ass. actually, i heart it when i my uncle billy used to teabag me. SCREW MISTLETOE.

STRAWBERRY FIELDS FOREVER

i am reading a book called, how to get along with boys while drinking coffee in clearwater, florida on vacation. indy, the wendling dog, is howling at the today show. why? because he had been following the story about that little girl who went missing in florida and they founds some bones behind her house yesterday. i just had to give him a bacon strip to calm his nerves. it is going to be very touch and go with him today. the clouds are a thick roux this morning. i feel like i am still in cape may. NOT CUTE.
the book suggests how to eat certain foods....NUTS: use your fingers. do not crack hard-shelled nuts with your teeth. besides being dangerous, it looks bad.
actually, i would rather have greasy fingers while eatting my fried chicken sometimes if only the the jerk off sitting across from me would disappear into odorless vapors.
my grandfather, john...my mother's father...actually, i don't even know if that was his name? oh my god, now that looks bad. my grandpa was a bit boozey. he once drove me in his chocolate colored impala to pick up my brother, johnny, at his school. well, gramps got lost and we ended up on newark pompton turnpike in wayne, nj. well, we skipped over the double yellow lines and smacked right into the telephone pole. johnny's face bounced off the dashboard and his nose started raining blood...and i slide under the back seat and my legs were stuck under there. what does a grandfather do? he gets out and runs away down the highway......the guy at the gas station calls 911 thinking that we were kidnapped. pops was having a couple beers at lunch and was afraid he was going to get arrested....REALLY? really. we got a police escort home to 2 thorton drive. my mother went out to dunkin doughnuts and got a dozen for the family. when my brother, johnny opened them up they were ALL strawberry glazed with sprinkles. i was in heaven staring at all the pinky sugary confections winking back at me. my 3 brothers were all whining about why they all were strawberry. my mother looked over at me with a smirk on her face and just said flat out BECAUSE....... grandpa came home a bit later with JLC we never talked about what happened and i actually don't know if he ever got in trouble. that is the irish catholic way...you ignore everything in life that makes you uncomfortable....oh my god, i think a light bulb just went off in my head... i am sure JLC called in a favor with some judge or police chief. he was whipping up his magic even back in the 70's. ok, i have to go now because i am playing the black sheep in the xmas pageant down at the colored folks church in dunedin, florida. i will try my hardiest not to dry hump any of the other animals in the flock.
it is dangerous and it looks bad.
P.S. the story about grandpa fields is 100 true. shocked? i am not making shit up in my head again.

DISCO TEABAGS

one of my darling friends sent me an e card last night that said i hope you wake up on top of man not a pile of woman's fashion magazines this new year's eve day. EXACTLY. that is the celery root of all my problems. i am sick of jerking off to british vogue every night.
is it a problem that i am buying my own xmas presents and writing love and best wishes from someone else? do i need a christmas time out because i sent out 75 xmas cards and i probably only really like 12 of those people? so, as i sit on my love seat on christmas eve with my plate full of homemade toasted coconut marshmallows and hot cocoa. i will pray that santa will bring me something that doesn't require two AA batteries and comes wraps in shiny paper. I want peace in the middle east, I want a black president in the white house, and I want a quaker dyke on my box of my oatmeal.
P.S. and i want gay guys to get their heads out of their asses and throw their baggage and steam trunks out in the fucking trash. pat, i would like to buy a vowel. A, please. I would like to solve the puzzle.

ASSHOLE.

552 + 319 + 66 = MONTCLAIR

i don't have anything funny to say or write.

EXIT STAGE LEFT

i am busy casting local celebrities for my charlie brown christmas play that i will put on at the villas VFW hall. i have frank ferris slated to play charlie brown. maria lisa is going to play lucy. patric is on board to play pig pen. i am going to the petsmart to look at who in the hell with play snoopy. i have 75 xmas cards to do today and they have 4 steps to them and they must go out before i leave in the morning. i have to pack all my odds and ends for the 3 bus rides to get to montclair. mace and pepper spray, CHECK. i also have to scotch guard my clothes before i go to florida because i end up sweeping the floors of the gay bars down there with my fashion. oh shit. i still am recovering from the last supper and 309 still smells like ol' fowl and feed. so, i must keep this short and sweet n low. hope eveyone is enjoying these joyous times and not getting to much gas from this recession.
take a beano and call me in the morning.
P.S. i also have to help work out those factory workers in chicago who are having a sit in for their pensions. i am telling you a gal friday's job is never done.

the last supper

let me just say that da vinci was not in the wine cellar at the washington inn last night. jesus might have been there but i kept hearing something in the bread basket but it was a bit muffled from the savory snacks being wrapped in fresh linen. the twelve apostles were there or the motley crew or the hen house or the circus came back to town. you can always tell when it is acomin' you hear that piercing music box sound, the earth shivers from the march of the elephants....and by the way the air is full of the smell of hay, cotton candy, and donkey shit. i heart a hot number 2. can you super size my fries though. i am eating for two, papi. i think jesus gave a shout out to his apostles peeps and said at that din din "one of you bitches is going to come for me and try to cut me with your box cutter"
i will give that award to dot. she showed up in her christmas sweatshirt. vutton, of course. earring by chanel. lipstick by avon. the color of that stick "blackened brown suga plum fairy chipped beef"
all the girls are featuring it. she was announcing to the world that she came with no money. she has no money. she only got one unemployment check since october. that skillet is cracked and needs to hang itself up on the wall for good. whatta mean you don't serve fried chicken anymore, bobby? i think there is a KFC in north cape may. actually, the twelve apostle, lucille phoned her dinner in because she was home in bed with a lazy eye. she had to go get the dewers build up on her left eye scrapped in philly. mama dot made a eye patch for her out of a piece of dried fat back and butcher's twine. once she got over the musty smell, she resumed the role of black ice the bitchiest black pirate on the eastern seaboard. you should met her pet parrot. she is one mean buzzard. i think her name is shirley. THE END.
mother nature is whippin up a mean batch of cookies down here. it is code blue. which means the police scoop up the homeless people so they don't turn into human creamsicles in the gutters or under the bridges or in their cardboard apts. also, i learned at 4am this morning after i woke up out of dead sleep and turned the news on to go back to bed. there is only one company in the usa that makes wire hangers for dry cleaners. and they are fist fucking the merchants by jacking up the prices. i always hated when a wire hanger was hiding out in my closet mixed up with all the popular kids. i would rip him right off the playground and break both his hands and feet. now, i think i am going to let them stay and enjoy the merry go round and take a kiki in the sandbox. and you never know if jesus will need a wire hanger to beat down the apostle who ends up stabbin' him in the back with a dull butter knife. mary jo can you pass me the butter, please.

RAYON MAFIA

brooke shields was not available to do the show. i had to endure a 3 hour christmas parade with a million fire trucks with xmas lights thrown on them. a bunch of fags. i putting that nicely and loosely. hot apple knocker cider. and a partridge in a pear tree.

check back soon.

round up the herd

i feel like noah. as in noah's ark. i am trying to make a bagel in my holly hobby oven and coffee before i take xtina's car to walmart. i am so hung over too. great. i am joining the circus. i will see ya monday. who i am? i am the bearded axe wound. take that, clowns.
P.S. I DON'T HEART CLOWNS.

WE ARE THE WORLD. WE ARE THE CHILDREN.

after i took my nightly sleeping pill which is a creamy buttery fruit filled snack which is only 80 calories. thanks dannon. you shall take this spiritual journey with me as i binge and purge the november "10" i gained while travelling the world being a missionary. take that jolie with your rainbow of fruit flavored babies. it looks like you spilt a bag of skittles out of your purse when i see you with all those kids. i wonder if she has a huge map on her wall and she and mr. pitt play darts and whoever hits the most osbcure run down town where people eat dirt and crickets is where the next "chosen one" will be from. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. over it. fuck and make real babies. next.
actually, it would be great if they made a remake of eight is enough with their family and they try to live in a middle class neighborhood and the real life game of chutes and ladders and how the 6 kids from 6 different tribes have to deal with bitchy soccer moms and vanilla bean kids with shiny convertibles. and when i say eight is enough. i mean it is ENOUGH, peeps.
i have always wanted to have a kid. i sometimes see two waspy gay guys with their ISTROLLER with wireless iphone/ipod attachments and my heart gushes for a little girl named pepper jon cleary or a boy named ian michael james cleary.....then i get a look behind the mosquito netting and realized the got their baby girl, bok choy from the same corporation most kweens get their soy sauce, Kokkiman. SUGAR SNAPS. actually, i will like to order a case of low sodium soy sauce because stephen has high blood pressure from work.
one of the main reasons i am up so early this friday is i am waiting for tickets to go on sale for the freedom concert in jangleville. i am following the voice of franklin graham aka billy graham's son. every since he spoke at george w bush's inauguration and his words about islam struck a chord on my apron strings, i have been follower. i usually like to be a leader but this is one exception when it is ok to be an indian and not a chief. or is king? or it queen? or top? or bottom? i am confused. more coffee, waitress.
during this time of year we need to put on our backpacks and hike god's trail to spread the word of peace and harmony. i know i won't be treking thru pennypack park in PA. A jogger found 5 beheaded goats lined up in a row with their blood drained and their hooves bound together with dental floss. say what? i know that everyone is on the vampire bandwagon with the huge $$$ of the twilight book series, but teenage girls should be running up their parents cell phone bills with texts, stealing booze from their stash, and having unprotected sex. I remember our old neighbors in Kinnelon, NJ were from the Bijago tribe in Africa and ten days before christmas they would slay a goat in the bottom of their empty in ground pool and then make goatinis and shish kabobs before putting tinsel on their 8ft douglas fir. I would whine and whine to JLC about why don't Irish people have any cool traditions? JLC would say shut up and eat your boiled ham and cabbage. I do not heart boiled meat.
it good to open up the lines of communication during this holiday season and we should all try to embrace our faith whatever it may be and try to be a "giver" not a "take take shake n bake" devil worshiper. well, sometimes you have to be a evil bitch. if there is only one tickle me elmo doll on the shelf at walmart. hell ya, push that nappy haired trailer park bitch out of the way. donate one of your coats that was in fashion 5 minutes ago that you bought all banged up on stoli from QVC.
drop off a can of spam at your local battered wives shelter. adopt a three legged cat from the shelter. I think Michael Jackson said it best, "we are the ones who make a brighter day so let's start giving."
Hey, if your too busy making martha stewart christmas tree cupcakes, picking out outfits to go the local christmas parade, and getting all boozey on poinsetta cocktails...then there is always next year!!!

http://www.samaritanspurse.org/index.php/Franklin_Graham/index/

http://www.myfoxphilly.com/myfox/pages/Home/Detail;jsessionid=8E79D090BA49FFA1A543E40D44050798?contentId=8006145&version=6&locale=EN-US&layoutCode=TSTY&pageId=1.1.1&sflg=1

UGLY DUCKLING ALWAYS GETS HER SWAN

i don't really know any nursery rhymes by heart. i do know a couple salt n pepa songs inside and out. yeah boyz. push it reallllll good, girls. as we approach the 25th, i guess my thoughts are on douglas fir scented candles, candy cane lane, and that dirty lil' elf who gave me the gift of the "clap" last year and it took a lot of creams and pills to clear that shit up. it was worse than hitting black ice on route 90 in my red toyota pick up truck on the way to buffalo with 5 boxes of glass christmas ornaments back in 2004. the car spun around like a top on meth banging the shit out of twink from boston. anygay, that is a true story. i did almost die one xmas season driving to buffalo to see my douche bag of a husband, no need to insert name. i called him from the side of the road. he was in the tub reading the paper and watching the news on our bathroom flat screen. my tears and cries for help and comfort were ignored and when i arrived back to buffalo we went out for wings and pizza. people from buffalo are very classy. actually, classy should be in bold cap letters dipped in gold glitter. i miss the days of playing the role of bree on desperate housewives. i miss them as much as i miss the time i almost drove our BMW X5 into the niagra river because she was talking to me..taunting me to come in for a quick dip. come on chris, the water is not that cold. you will be fine once you get in. you will forget all about the past. fast forward that movie that went straight to dvd. not every story can be a blockbuster and i have my fucking oscar on a rotating pedestal in my foyer going up to my penthouse on 309 howard street. take that meryl streep. she is so pushy and can be such a bitch after a couple vodka gimlets. oh shit.
i remember the first christmas after my mom died my dad got me one stinking present and it was a very ugly men's watch. i cried for days. more like months. i will never forget the christmas after JLC got married to FOMO and we had to dodge my grandma, betty the whole month of december because my dad could not tell her that he had married someone else with the dirt still fresh on my mother's grave. i think i got a colecovision that year. i heart donkey kong. i remember the christmas that i got chicken pox when i was in 8th grade and we had to cancel christmas because no one in the whole cleary family clan had it yet. i sat downstairs and my room and practiced my like a virgin dance moves. who knew i would be using them now on dancefloors up and down the east coast. AMAZING.
But when your a kid you think everything is a major production...a 2 hour afterschool special on ABC like that one where that kid has to live in that bubble. i understand that one. i heart living in the bubble i blew up with glitter, bananas and the help of mable jones' relaxer shampoo from jangleville. every christmas eve when i go back to jangleville, we see who can create the biggest bubble. reverend davis and his wife, carolyn won last year that is because they had the lord on their side and a fifth of crown royal. i just love going home for the holidays now. JLC carves the filet mignon for christmas brunch. the marble wet bar sink is overflowing with shrimp cocktail. FOMO and I don't share the good champagne with anyone else. CHEERS. I some how always end up with close to a thousand dollars in coin and gift cards. I guess christmas is a time to reflect on the past and say thanks to what we have today. I am so thankful I am not some homeless crack head living on the streets of buffalo with my cardboard condo...heating my can of pork n beans with my crack pipe lighter. actually, i am thankful i am not even near buffalo this time of year. So, as I prepare to put up my vintage pom pom silver christmas tree today and get ready for the christmas parade in the beautiful "mostly white" cape may, i feel like that ugly duckling who shed her dingy feather to be one of the fiercest swans in the pond. Actually, I am more like the nasty ol' hungry hawk that comes down and snaps that swans neck in two.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE. DON'T FORGET TO PISS ON EVERYBODYS PARADE.

www.suicidal.com

just remember you cannot replace a diamond with cut glass!

it is actually the 3rd day of christmas...wait. what is that song? about the maids a milking or is it farmers a slaughterin' or is 5 golden rings or is 5 brass knuckles? oh wait. is it 3 french hens or is it 3 ham hocks? i am fucked this morning. as christmas moves into the ez pass lane, i have a lot of things on my mind. i am worried about the guns n roses fued with dr. pepper. i love dr. pepper. i don't heart the calories, but dr. pepper said he would give everyone a free pop if guns n roses cd dropped by the end of 2008. well, that shit dropped right into the pool with the cosby kids. make sure you double wipe, we have a long ride up the GSP to the mall, peeps. i had to go on itunes this morning to check the status of britney's cd. it is number one on cd sales and her new single, circus is number one too. so, i can rest for now on that. but until next thursday when billboard.com posts the number one's it be a monkey on my back. i already got a few monkeys camping out back there. shopping. drinking. smoking. shooting. actually, i gave the needles a rest in the 80's. my skin ended up being more important than getting high people. actually, the advances in concealers these days is amazing race. something else flying around in my head is god. there is this music store in michigan where the employees of the store have seen the face of jesus in the grains of the wood on a guitar. SAY WHAT? isn't god suppose to be working with the suits and ties on wall street to clean up this recession that is cloggin' up our toliets and let me tell you i am not putting on my hunter wellies that were over a $100. 00 because my bathroom is flooded with shit, piss, and soggy charmin. NOT SEEIN' IT. NOT HEARIN' IT. NOT FEELIN' IT. jesus should not be hangin' out in some mid western state strummin' old led zepplin tunes with some hill billy stoners. he should be embracing the true meaning of christmas. LOTS OF HOLIDAY DECORATONS. EXPENSIVE GIFTS. BOOZY EGGNOG AND REINDEERS THAT REALLY KNOW HOW TO FLY. snaps to rudolph. i will play your reindeer games anytime. the only red nose i know that lights up is ted kennedy's and that was pre tumor times. I am drowning in a sea of questions and doggie paddlin' very poorly towards the answers...and i just caught by mother nature peein' in the ocean. i started unpacking my suitcase from my november 6th trip to florida this morning. i have 2 other trips to unpack too. something i don't have to worry about is my angel network is not looking out for me because JLC threw a bottle of mouth wash in my bag for me as a surprise. usually he throws in condoms and lube in my bag. more like a chasity belt made of steel. it looks like it came from costco's or some bulk place. it is about 120 oz of citrus germ killer. but, then by the note attached to it i have to start frettin' that the cleary family elm has a history of tree rot. should i be worried that i am going to be mistaken a fag that's house is on wheels? are people going to think my 1 carat each diamond studs are really only smoke and mirrors...and a lot of cut glass? well, my prince albert is 100 percent real bling, assholes. christmas is suppose to be the most wonderful time of the year. i am starting to think satan is playing a mean game of twister with me and i am the fattiest person in the game.

http://sandiego.craigslist.org/csd/mis/942208204.html

COINSTAR IS THE ANTI CHRIST

it is official. the country is in a recession. i was just at the acme and i had to buy acme brand bran flakes instead of kashi cereal because i ever since katie couric told me last night it was official i have been spending money like i was collecting unemployment and getting money from my babies daddy. actually, i do sell a bit of crystal meth on the side but that is only to pay for the buses back and forth for my offseason trips. you know how much it cost to go back and forth. shit! it cost as much as a 12 pack of miller chill, a pack of kools, a blunt, and a some holiday chips. don't even get me started on my diaper and formula bills, peeps. So, your hearing it now from the gay horses mouth, i am cutting my spending. i am not buying any jcrew online. i am not buying any extra christmas decorations, i am making a lot of homemade christmas gifts, and i am going to charging half price for blow jobs and rim jobs thru the holidays. so, boys line up and get it while your can. i will be slashing prices on up this shit all december. i will throw in some water sports too and that makes a great stocking stuffer for johnny and timmy. i also will be putting an extra sweater and some heavy socks and keeping the heat a tad lower during these winter months. my blue balls might be a bit more icey but for fuck sake i will have more coin in the bank. why? because we are in a recession and tons of people are out of work. black people are getting killed by holiday shoppers at walmart. excited toy shoppers are getting shot to death at toys r us. WE NEED TO WAKE UP. we need to start smelling the no frills brand coffee. we to cut coupons from the sunday paper. we need to skip a day of taking a shower. buy a bottle stoli and drink in the dark and alone instead of going out with friends and spending 10.oo a pop for a martini.
I feel that this blog is the perfect place to help voice the cries of the american people. the average everyday working people from every main street and dirt road thru out america.
I say now and into 2009, reep what you sow. I actually have to wrap this shit up and pulish my blog because jcrew is having 30 percent off holiday sale and i am so getting this $250.00 bomber hat for this winter season, it is going to look sick with the new lacoste tech line coat i ordered last week. plus, i have to order my xmas card pics from snapfish, i think i lost count at 75 cards. i also want to order my new gucci cologne on sephora.com because they just started carrying it. it is 70. but it is free shipping over 50.00. the icing on the 7 layer recession proof cake is i saw these barack obama plates that you can order from tv and they are only making them for 65 days and then they destroy the mold. they will look amazing on the wood panelling in my den and they are like 19.99 and they throw in a gold plated dollar coin with his mug on it too. So, I think that is not frivalish spending. THAT IS CALLED AN INVESTMENT. because in 4 years i sell that chipped plate at my yard sale for at least a buck fifty..i mean $1.50, beyatches. BUT, until then i will hang that plate next to my rosa parks 4 piece plate set and my honeymooners ones. I love it when uncle sam gives me a huge helpin' of good ol fashion USA apple pie. I will have to puke it up after because I am watching my hourglass figure. But, hey isn't it the thought that counts the most.
P.S. roll your own damn change and stay away from the coinstar machine at your local market

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EIWmIJpNnSQ