hold the lettuce

i am having one of those morning when you wake up and did not realize that you had a hoagie until you get to the kitchen and you see lettuce all over the floor and the greasy wrapper with the receipt taped to it that has a laundry list of toppings from pickles to extra mayo. not the look.
lost my vintage jcrew scarf.
hopefully left my credit/debit card at the last bar...time will tell.
kate's car is still in west cape may. at least a mile away.
good news got my first UE check.
PARTY ON BITCHES.
oh p.s. madonna is tonight.

S.O.S

something is wrong with this shit today. i keep losing half of my text.
drama.
going to practice my dance moves for madonna.
i know she loves it when i crawl on the floor and get kicked off the box.
xoxo
cmc

see ya soon...

CLUB GAY SANDWICHES NOT NAVY SEALS

i was going to dedicate this blog to informative things. i had a new tip for ya'll. i was going to start a new recipe of the week thing today and i was going to hand the JLC email of the week over to you on a tarnished silver polish. sorry there are no turks around to polish serving dishes, bitches. hey, that totally busta rhymes. actually, i was going to review some pop culture shit too. however, i was driving along the garden state parkway cyber highway this morning when i missed my exit and then i had to slam on the brakes when my nephew, ryan's 18yr old girlfriend, dana friend requested me on facebook...aka FB. i know your thinking what is a 36yr old gay male doing on FB. well, actually i am really an 18yr old girl in gay years...it is kind of like when you times your dog's age by 7 or is it 8.75? wait, i think that is sales tax? not sure. i tried out for mathletics in junior high, but i got benched and i was not handing out sippie cups of gatorade to the boys all winter. i grew up with a silver spoon in my mouth, not some damn spork.
once again, pictures makes a night where my visual kept fading to black and my audio kept dropping out of my headpiece....CRYSTAL CLEAR IN H.D. pre february 2009 digital cable turf war takeover... Dana has two albums on her FB where there are at least a dozen pictures of me making a sandwich of my 11yr old niece and my sister in law sister's sue aka cougar...i am like the gay lean turkey roll inbetween the acme brand white bread. lots of messy mayo in the middle. was i channelling my trailer park inner peeps...grinding up with family. very chipped beef and toast of me. where is my mullet wig and bad teeth? oh yeah, i left those in the back of the police car on halloween. oh shit. well, by the time you get to album two page 3...i am on the floor with dana attempting to do the worm or some ol' school break dance move....instead i look like i am in the WWF giving her a smackdown. not cute. oh well, at least all the straights had plenty to talk about the next day. Pat's brother is so crazy. I guess what they say is true about the gays there are all about the drama. make mine diet, please. so, i guess the next time i go the gay pride parade in riverdale, nj i better wear my running shoes and a helmet just in case half the town comes chasing after me with baseball bats and fire torches. i just want everyone to know i support navy seals and i understand that they are an endangered species.
P.S. I DO FEED THE ANIMALS AT THE ZOO.

SNORE A BORA BORA ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

in the past month of so i am starting to take on very ugly personality traits or my body is starting to show true signs that it in serious need of a new waxin' with a botox n glow and an IV of nasal spray. after 36 years and 20 of those years owning fredrica french fry, my beautiful sheba diva of a midnight black cat...who by the way had her front paws declawed but still used to run up trees only to fall off half way up....pure animal planet entertainment for a 7 year old girl. back to what i was trying to spit up...i realizing that i may now be allergic to cats...say what? i know. i had a fit over on sixth avenue a couple times...sneezing uncontrollable till a gallon of snot flew out onto my wool jcrew crewneck....do you know how hard it is to get mucus out of lambswool? it ain't pretty...then i was visiting my friend kate and she unleashed her 3 pussies from the back porch...i felt like somebody threw attic insulation in the heating vents and millions of glass bread crumbs were stuck to my contac lens...JLC told me your body is constantly changing....really? i did not notice all the lines in my forehead, grey hair, and the raccoon eyes pitching tents and setting up a senior citizen fat camp on my head.
i ain't having this next shat either.....to the most recent episode and it has me tossing and turning in my pj's. i was informed yesterday that i have started snoring as loud as lioniel richie...i don't actually what that means? But, if it makes your sleepover buddy retreat the fort and head for the lumpy slipcovered sofa...that ain't pretty. i was informed that if you are drunk that is one thing but snoring is not for the SOBER. so, last night i had another slumber party and i was panicing if a chainsaw was going to pop out of my right nostril and start chopping up stephen's elm trees for firewood. i kept saying sleep on your back, don't go on your side and most def. don't face him with your fog horn mouth. i think i did a bit better...i only got a couple taps in the middle of the night to shut the fuck up. i did wake up a couple of times from a bad dream that stephen opened a candy shop on the washington mall...and was so mean that he threw penny candy at people...i ain't saying shit about that...read into that whatever way you like, beyatches. it must have not been that bad because i did not wake up to an empty sleeping bag this morning.
what is next? i am going to be allergic to tuna fish in oil? horses? pansies and tulips?
better yet...i am going to start wetting the bed or sleeping walking onto broadway in my spider pig underoos? all i have to say is if that i start crapping my pjs and am allergic to vodka i am buying a one way first class ticket to bora bora and i am going to be a beachcomber and live off coconuts and plankton.

experienced limbo players only need apply

the temp dropped into the 40's today with the wind it feels like it is 20. feeling the effects of off season. i left for vacation with a fresh coat of bleach on the kitchen floor, so i did not really have much down time in cape may....opened fridge today to a bottle of ketchup and mustard. acme was a mid day trek battling the winds. i cleaned up the penthouse a bit and organized some of my things....made some soup and felt very beige so i watched 5 episodes of 30 rock.....after last night trying to watch eagle vs shark..only made it into minute 18. then, watching the movie bug....which sent me into a deep twisted sleep of having a nightmare that i got tied up with saran wrap and tortured....need to lay off the dots candy and cadbury candy bars..and the dodgey left over jersey corn that i froze.
P.S. it is not good to freeze fresh corn, it tastes like rotten slim jims. yuck. so, made soup for one for lunch. chicken for one is on deck for din dins. i put my time in west cape may and the hourglass ran out of sand for now.....so, it is time to tread thru icey waters till friday when kate will arrive from montclair and we will juicy it up till madonna. thank god she decided to take my advice and play atlantic city before thanksgiving. we must give her much thanks...and thank whoever came up wth canned cranberry sauce....GENIUS. time to slip into my long johns and get the limbo stick out before 5pm.......how low can you go???? and is it still cheating if no one is playing the game with you?

ANTI FREEZE

got back to cape may yesterday after an 18 day holiday that had me up the ladders to kinnelon then down the chutes to clearwater, florida. i returned back to 309 howard street this morning to find my halloween stuff still out. time to pack up the glitter witches and pumpkins STAT. still have tons of unpacked boxes from the tin house and the penthouse is littered with piles of clothes. i decided to not let me A.D.D. strangle me and start too many projects today. it is bit chili fries down here today and it feels like snow...shhh, don't say that three times in row... miss the flip flops and sunshine of florida already. there is something to be said about living in a warm place in the winter. i rode back to cape may from philly with my boss, NG, yesterday. i was still banged up from cocktails and a late night of madonnarama at pure. it is hard to get a fag off the dancefloor when they are remixin' the shit of out of every madge song one after the other. i felt like i was gonna overdose on those beats. call 911, beyatch.... preparing for the real thing on satuday night in atlantic city. tears, screams, and heavy clapping will be much needed. gotta get my 385.00 in. i am a bit scattered and on overload today..so, there is not too much meat on this blog bone. i skipped sunday. why? because jesus and the virgin mary said i could take a day off...plus, i got de-puffer cream in my eye and it felt like some puerto rican banshee girl slashed my eyelid with a box cutter. the streets here are empty, no cars or randoms walking around. the trolley goes by with a couple tourists getting in some shots.....and as you look down beach drive all you see are the traffic lights blinking "red" a true sign that mother is whipping a nasty batch of cookies and it is time to start packing my steamer trunks for my next trip. audi 5000.