WTF IS A PFD?

whisk on high for 30 seconds till stiff peaks form. kathie lee gifford dripping in a sequined anchor summer tank dress on a beautiful ship telling me all the fierce things carnival cruise line has to offer. i would imagine myself in my gloria vanderbilt bikini soaking up the sun while sipping on 5 or 6 alabama slammers in a coconut shell with an orchard holding my strawberry blonde locks in a french twist... a dozen tom sellecks splashing in the duck pond nearby. kikin' my way to the captain's table with a plate full of alsakan king crab legs, shrimp, and a twice baked potato dripping with sour cream and chives...then making my way to the disco tech where i would dance the night away in my violet halston wrap around dress. actually, i think i am mixing up a cup of saturday night fever with a cup of the love boat with two eggs and 1/4 cup of fantasy island and splash of pure vanila extract. demi more like a pitcher of strawberry pina coladas and a sheet of acid. TELL ME MORE KATHIE. will i meet the man of my dreams when we dock port in aruba? well, we all know to skip that island. local boys gone wild coming to netflix soon. in the early 90's i got my talons on a beta copy of the classic oscar award winning movie called overboard staring the brilliant goldie hawn. love her of course. her daughter, kate. she is like a tepid cup of tea with a soggy biscuit on the side. sounds like a good idea but not so much . then the waters got real choppy and i felt like jaws ripped my right arm off...HEY WAIT HOW AM I GOING TO BE ABLE TO DO JAZZ HANDS? edit scene. so it is more like mr. moby dick took a big ol' shit in my mouth. charmin 2-ply diamond weave is amazing and there is a coupon in better homes and gardens this month and it is on sale at the CVS. my ol' jewish gram mama called it shmatta. christopher, be a doll pick me up a roll of shmatta and don't forget to let your uncle taste your matzo balls on the way out. let's just say uncle jerry always came back for seconds and spit shine his bowl every time.
fast forward the 8 track to the here and now. there is an official cardinal rule in jangleville. we don't do cruises. don't get on a boat with your LV steamer trunks and set sail off to some fucked up third world country where natives are trying to sell you necklaces made out of broken shells on shoestrings. why? if kathie lee loves them why don't the residents of jangleville? one word: booze. our shit needs to be on solid ground and our talons need to be sunk firmly in our nests. we need to be bumpin' off parked cars on the way home from a night of 5 or 6 martinis and waking up on planet earth in a puddle of lettuce, glitter, and popcorn. NOT OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GULF OF MEXICO. HELLS TO THE NO. why do you keep asking why? we don't need to be "that girl" the one that is on the survillance camera all banged up up stoli playing bumper cars with the chaise lounge chairs then flipping over the railing of the ship on christmas night in her white nightgown. attention cruise members, we have a drunk vulcan whore overboard. please feel to visit our chocolate fantasy buffet at midnight and the disco will be open for an extra hour due to day lights savings time. actually, if your lucky you will be the "other girl" the one with a russian roofie in her cocktail and ends up pulling a britney spears and waking up face down in the berber only to find the new hubby did a triple inward pike dive off the balcony with his cuban cigar in his mouth. the german judge gives him a 9.8 and they call that dive back home the fidal castro flying banana saucer.
i will hold on for dear life to my childhood memories of kathie lee kickin her heels up on the leader deck? triple decker club sandwich? huh? and to the good ol' days when i used to put on my mom's blonde wig and roleplay that i was Julie McCoy and my next store neighbor's dad would be captain stubing....he would always want me to mop up the deck...and i would say where the hell is issac washington? shouldn't he be a janitor not a bartender? c'mon ain't 2009 obama ain't da white house yet.
all i know is that unless my winter 2009 jcrew catalog comes tomorrow and they start sewing personal floatation devices into there cruise line. i aint won't be sailing to ibiza on atlantis with a couple thousand gym bunnies and circuit kweens this february for my 40th. I am going to stick to laying in my cast iron tub sippin off my box of wine nestled on top of my toliet..love, exciting and new....come aboard, we are expecting you...oh fuck i dropped my iphone.
p.s. we don't need to be married to "that guy" either. the one that takes a paper bag of quarters to the slot machines a couple hours after he realizes you payced into the pacific to try and turn his luck around. that what a fried chicken foot is for, kids.