round up the herd

i feel like noah. as in noah's ark. i am trying to make a bagel in my holly hobby oven and coffee before i take xtina's car to walmart. i am so hung over too. great. i am joining the circus. i will see ya monday. who i am? i am the bearded axe wound. take that, clowns.
P.S. I DON'T HEART CLOWNS.

WE ARE THE WORLD. WE ARE THE CHILDREN.

after i took my nightly sleeping pill which is a creamy buttery fruit filled snack which is only 80 calories. thanks dannon. you shall take this spiritual journey with me as i binge and purge the november "10" i gained while travelling the world being a missionary. take that jolie with your rainbow of fruit flavored babies. it looks like you spilt a bag of skittles out of your purse when i see you with all those kids. i wonder if she has a huge map on her wall and she and mr. pitt play darts and whoever hits the most osbcure run down town where people eat dirt and crickets is where the next "chosen one" will be from. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. over it. fuck and make real babies. next.
actually, it would be great if they made a remake of eight is enough with their family and they try to live in a middle class neighborhood and the real life game of chutes and ladders and how the 6 kids from 6 different tribes have to deal with bitchy soccer moms and vanilla bean kids with shiny convertibles. and when i say eight is enough. i mean it is ENOUGH, peeps.
i have always wanted to have a kid. i sometimes see two waspy gay guys with their ISTROLLER with wireless iphone/ipod attachments and my heart gushes for a little girl named pepper jon cleary or a boy named ian michael james cleary.....then i get a look behind the mosquito netting and realized the got their baby girl, bok choy from the same corporation most kweens get their soy sauce, Kokkiman. SUGAR SNAPS. actually, i will like to order a case of low sodium soy sauce because stephen has high blood pressure from work.
one of the main reasons i am up so early this friday is i am waiting for tickets to go on sale for the freedom concert in jangleville. i am following the voice of franklin graham aka billy graham's son. every since he spoke at george w bush's inauguration and his words about islam struck a chord on my apron strings, i have been follower. i usually like to be a leader but this is one exception when it is ok to be an indian and not a chief. or is king? or it queen? or top? or bottom? i am confused. more coffee, waitress.
during this time of year we need to put on our backpacks and hike god's trail to spread the word of peace and harmony. i know i won't be treking thru pennypack park in PA. A jogger found 5 beheaded goats lined up in a row with their blood drained and their hooves bound together with dental floss. say what? i know that everyone is on the vampire bandwagon with the huge $$$ of the twilight book series, but teenage girls should be running up their parents cell phone bills with texts, stealing booze from their stash, and having unprotected sex. I remember our old neighbors in Kinnelon, NJ were from the Bijago tribe in Africa and ten days before christmas they would slay a goat in the bottom of their empty in ground pool and then make goatinis and shish kabobs before putting tinsel on their 8ft douglas fir. I would whine and whine to JLC about why don't Irish people have any cool traditions? JLC would say shut up and eat your boiled ham and cabbage. I do not heart boiled meat.
it good to open up the lines of communication during this holiday season and we should all try to embrace our faith whatever it may be and try to be a "giver" not a "take take shake n bake" devil worshiper. well, sometimes you have to be a evil bitch. if there is only one tickle me elmo doll on the shelf at walmart. hell ya, push that nappy haired trailer park bitch out of the way. donate one of your coats that was in fashion 5 minutes ago that you bought all banged up on stoli from QVC.
drop off a can of spam at your local battered wives shelter. adopt a three legged cat from the shelter. I think Michael Jackson said it best, "we are the ones who make a brighter day so let's start giving."
Hey, if your too busy making martha stewart christmas tree cupcakes, picking out outfits to go the local christmas parade, and getting all boozey on poinsetta cocktails...then there is always next year!!!

http://www.samaritanspurse.org/index.php/Franklin_Graham/index/

http://www.myfoxphilly.com/myfox/pages/Home/Detail;jsessionid=8E79D090BA49FFA1A543E40D44050798?contentId=8006145&version=6&locale=EN-US&layoutCode=TSTY&pageId=1.1.1&sflg=1

UGLY DUCKLING ALWAYS GETS HER SWAN

i don't really know any nursery rhymes by heart. i do know a couple salt n pepa songs inside and out. yeah boyz. push it reallllll good, girls. as we approach the 25th, i guess my thoughts are on douglas fir scented candles, candy cane lane, and that dirty lil' elf who gave me the gift of the "clap" last year and it took a lot of creams and pills to clear that shit up. it was worse than hitting black ice on route 90 in my red toyota pick up truck on the way to buffalo with 5 boxes of glass christmas ornaments back in 2004. the car spun around like a top on meth banging the shit out of twink from boston. anygay, that is a true story. i did almost die one xmas season driving to buffalo to see my douche bag of a husband, no need to insert name. i called him from the side of the road. he was in the tub reading the paper and watching the news on our bathroom flat screen. my tears and cries for help and comfort were ignored and when i arrived back to buffalo we went out for wings and pizza. people from buffalo are very classy. actually, classy should be in bold cap letters dipped in gold glitter. i miss the days of playing the role of bree on desperate housewives. i miss them as much as i miss the time i almost drove our BMW X5 into the niagra river because she was talking to me..taunting me to come in for a quick dip. come on chris, the water is not that cold. you will be fine once you get in. you will forget all about the past. fast forward that movie that went straight to dvd. not every story can be a blockbuster and i have my fucking oscar on a rotating pedestal in my foyer going up to my penthouse on 309 howard street. take that meryl streep. she is so pushy and can be such a bitch after a couple vodka gimlets. oh shit.
i remember the first christmas after my mom died my dad got me one stinking present and it was a very ugly men's watch. i cried for days. more like months. i will never forget the christmas after JLC got married to FOMO and we had to dodge my grandma, betty the whole month of december because my dad could not tell her that he had married someone else with the dirt still fresh on my mother's grave. i think i got a colecovision that year. i heart donkey kong. i remember the christmas that i got chicken pox when i was in 8th grade and we had to cancel christmas because no one in the whole cleary family clan had it yet. i sat downstairs and my room and practiced my like a virgin dance moves. who knew i would be using them now on dancefloors up and down the east coast. AMAZING.
But when your a kid you think everything is a major production...a 2 hour afterschool special on ABC like that one where that kid has to live in that bubble. i understand that one. i heart living in the bubble i blew up with glitter, bananas and the help of mable jones' relaxer shampoo from jangleville. every christmas eve when i go back to jangleville, we see who can create the biggest bubble. reverend davis and his wife, carolyn won last year that is because they had the lord on their side and a fifth of crown royal. i just love going home for the holidays now. JLC carves the filet mignon for christmas brunch. the marble wet bar sink is overflowing with shrimp cocktail. FOMO and I don't share the good champagne with anyone else. CHEERS. I some how always end up with close to a thousand dollars in coin and gift cards. I guess christmas is a time to reflect on the past and say thanks to what we have today. I am so thankful I am not some homeless crack head living on the streets of buffalo with my cardboard condo...heating my can of pork n beans with my crack pipe lighter. actually, i am thankful i am not even near buffalo this time of year. So, as I prepare to put up my vintage pom pom silver christmas tree today and get ready for the christmas parade in the beautiful "mostly white" cape may, i feel like that ugly duckling who shed her dingy feather to be one of the fiercest swans in the pond. Actually, I am more like the nasty ol' hungry hawk that comes down and snaps that swans neck in two.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE. DON'T FORGET TO PISS ON EVERYBODYS PARADE.

www.suicidal.com

just remember you cannot replace a diamond with cut glass!

it is actually the 3rd day of christmas...wait. what is that song? about the maids a milking or is it farmers a slaughterin' or is 5 golden rings or is 5 brass knuckles? oh wait. is it 3 french hens or is it 3 ham hocks? i am fucked this morning. as christmas moves into the ez pass lane, i have a lot of things on my mind. i am worried about the guns n roses fued with dr. pepper. i love dr. pepper. i don't heart the calories, but dr. pepper said he would give everyone a free pop if guns n roses cd dropped by the end of 2008. well, that shit dropped right into the pool with the cosby kids. make sure you double wipe, we have a long ride up the GSP to the mall, peeps. i had to go on itunes this morning to check the status of britney's cd. it is number one on cd sales and her new single, circus is number one too. so, i can rest for now on that. but until next thursday when billboard.com posts the number one's it be a monkey on my back. i already got a few monkeys camping out back there. shopping. drinking. smoking. shooting. actually, i gave the needles a rest in the 80's. my skin ended up being more important than getting high people. actually, the advances in concealers these days is amazing race. something else flying around in my head is god. there is this music store in michigan where the employees of the store have seen the face of jesus in the grains of the wood on a guitar. SAY WHAT? isn't god suppose to be working with the suits and ties on wall street to clean up this recession that is cloggin' up our toliets and let me tell you i am not putting on my hunter wellies that were over a $100. 00 because my bathroom is flooded with shit, piss, and soggy charmin. NOT SEEIN' IT. NOT HEARIN' IT. NOT FEELIN' IT. jesus should not be hangin' out in some mid western state strummin' old led zepplin tunes with some hill billy stoners. he should be embracing the true meaning of christmas. LOTS OF HOLIDAY DECORATONS. EXPENSIVE GIFTS. BOOZY EGGNOG AND REINDEERS THAT REALLY KNOW HOW TO FLY. snaps to rudolph. i will play your reindeer games anytime. the only red nose i know that lights up is ted kennedy's and that was pre tumor times. I am drowning in a sea of questions and doggie paddlin' very poorly towards the answers...and i just caught by mother nature peein' in the ocean. i started unpacking my suitcase from my november 6th trip to florida this morning. i have 2 other trips to unpack too. something i don't have to worry about is my angel network is not looking out for me because JLC threw a bottle of mouth wash in my bag for me as a surprise. usually he throws in condoms and lube in my bag. more like a chasity belt made of steel. it looks like it came from costco's or some bulk place. it is about 120 oz of citrus germ killer. but, then by the note attached to it i have to start frettin' that the cleary family elm has a history of tree rot. should i be worried that i am going to be mistaken a fag that's house is on wheels? are people going to think my 1 carat each diamond studs are really only smoke and mirrors...and a lot of cut glass? well, my prince albert is 100 percent real bling, assholes. christmas is suppose to be the most wonderful time of the year. i am starting to think satan is playing a mean game of twister with me and i am the fattiest person in the game.

http://sandiego.craigslist.org/csd/mis/942208204.html

COINSTAR IS THE ANTI CHRIST

it is official. the country is in a recession. i was just at the acme and i had to buy acme brand bran flakes instead of kashi cereal because i ever since katie couric told me last night it was official i have been spending money like i was collecting unemployment and getting money from my babies daddy. actually, i do sell a bit of crystal meth on the side but that is only to pay for the buses back and forth for my offseason trips. you know how much it cost to go back and forth. shit! it cost as much as a 12 pack of miller chill, a pack of kools, a blunt, and a some holiday chips. don't even get me started on my diaper and formula bills, peeps. So, your hearing it now from the gay horses mouth, i am cutting my spending. i am not buying any jcrew online. i am not buying any extra christmas decorations, i am making a lot of homemade christmas gifts, and i am going to charging half price for blow jobs and rim jobs thru the holidays. so, boys line up and get it while your can. i will be slashing prices on up this shit all december. i will throw in some water sports too and that makes a great stocking stuffer for johnny and timmy. i also will be putting an extra sweater and some heavy socks and keeping the heat a tad lower during these winter months. my blue balls might be a bit more icey but for fuck sake i will have more coin in the bank. why? because we are in a recession and tons of people are out of work. black people are getting killed by holiday shoppers at walmart. excited toy shoppers are getting shot to death at toys r us. WE NEED TO WAKE UP. we need to start smelling the no frills brand coffee. we to cut coupons from the sunday paper. we need to skip a day of taking a shower. buy a bottle stoli and drink in the dark and alone instead of going out with friends and spending 10.oo a pop for a martini.
I feel that this blog is the perfect place to help voice the cries of the american people. the average everyday working people from every main street and dirt road thru out america.
I say now and into 2009, reep what you sow. I actually have to wrap this shit up and pulish my blog because jcrew is having 30 percent off holiday sale and i am so getting this $250.00 bomber hat for this winter season, it is going to look sick with the new lacoste tech line coat i ordered last week. plus, i have to order my xmas card pics from snapfish, i think i lost count at 75 cards. i also want to order my new gucci cologne on sephora.com because they just started carrying it. it is 70. but it is free shipping over 50.00. the icing on the 7 layer recession proof cake is i saw these barack obama plates that you can order from tv and they are only making them for 65 days and then they destroy the mold. they will look amazing on the wood panelling in my den and they are like 19.99 and they throw in a gold plated dollar coin with his mug on it too. So, I think that is not frivalish spending. THAT IS CALLED AN INVESTMENT. because in 4 years i sell that chipped plate at my yard sale for at least a buck fifty..i mean $1.50, beyatches. BUT, until then i will hang that plate next to my rosa parks 4 piece plate set and my honeymooners ones. I love it when uncle sam gives me a huge helpin' of good ol fashion USA apple pie. I will have to puke it up after because I am watching my hourglass figure. But, hey isn't it the thought that counts the most.
P.S. roll your own damn change and stay away from the coinstar machine at your local market

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EIWmIJpNnSQ

FUDGE PACKER

suitcases packed and i am leaving one day late. i have a tummy ache. feel like i am going to puke from working myself up about public transportation. 20 bus leaves in 25 minutes. i am going to back to cape may. i could stay in closter forever. but have to get back to making sandcastle discos and glitter reindeer. stay tuned for the mayhem and the circus drops tuesday.

CMC PLAYLIST

1. circus by ms. britney spears
2. alarma by DJ Sertac
3. forgive me by leona lewis (azriel drake does almighty anthem mix)
4. bust your windows by jasmine sullivan
5. try on my own by whitney houston(arenna unreleased mix)
6. miles away by madonna(dj andler standing ma remix)
7. i stay in love by mariah carey(ralphi's melodic club vox)

short and sweet

i took an 80 dollar cab ride last night.
enough said.