SPEED MY PLOW, TOM?

just spent the last two hours weeding my way thru over 90 channels with my aunt riri trying to find something half way decent on tv. NBC was replaying the Beijing opening ceremony. WTF? who wants to see that shit over again. oh my god, i was so busy camping in ohio i missed the Chinese ballet interpreting a tsunami while leona lewis sings bleeding love. i need that as much i need a extra egg roll on my poo poo platter. oh shit. super size that side of white rice, Soon Yee.
There were fucking two sandra bullock movies on. two fucking bad ones. i am trying to remember if she was in any good movies? who or what made her famous.? PAUSE. i am going to google her ass and see what she was good in because right now i have no clue. i think it was speed. actually, this movie called the lake house is on with mr. reeves in it too. some crazy ass shit where they talk to each other thru letters that time travel thru this mailbox at the lake house? OMG. now i get the title. well, it is total crap. i am going to write a movie where i time travel thru my iphone to tomorrow and make a loaf of banana bread. then, when i wake up i can have banana bread ready for when i have my morning coffee...NOW IF THAT IS NOT A SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER..i don't know what is? take that dark knight. i want the next batman installment to have a villian that throws deadly banana peels at batman and they are like boomarangs too. interesting? who should play that character? feedback, please. i then got to the pay per view channels and their is a 30 minute movie called anal crazed. really? oh aunt riri let's watch this soft gay porn to kill the time. we are trying out weekend aides for my aunt. so, i called doris in from kenya and she said she likes anal crazed. but she is buck wild over anal beads on speed starring sandy bullock. i handed off the remote to my aunt at 9pm and i fled back to walnut street.
i am watching ron popeil on dvd explaining all the amazing uses of the 5-tray electric food dehydrator i got for xmas from my brother, greg. you just put the banana slices on one of the trays or up to 5. or you can mix/match fruit cocktail or meats actually, i would leave room for a tray of glitter. then you just "SET IT AND FORGET IT" Ronnie is fricking genius. i am going to be up so late tonight because next on my list is to watch the pocket fisherman dvd. I am going to visit my cousins in tennesse and we always have to catch our dinner. i know it sounds so backwoods and you feel like you should be riding down the river with huckleberry Finn. i try to go along with it and roll up a pair of d&g jeans and wear a vintage patchwork flannel from jcrew. i draw the line when it comes to suckin on a piece of wheat and fucking my cousin, melissa. however, i am flexible and i could give my cousin, doug a quick blowjob behind the mulberry bush before we portion out the trout to 6oz filets. So, if you were wondering what I was doing this new year's eve, you now know. i am playing the part of tom sawyer at cape may stage and i will be sippin on moonshine and playin madonna on my washboard at the after party in the villas.

TICK TOCK TICK TOCK. I ONLY GOT 4 MINUTES TO CATCH AN STD.

MS. SPEARS I THINK WE HAVE A PROBLEM

i am having a britney moment. i shaved my head. i am driving around with one of bbf's at 1am in jersey looking for starbucks. i am bustin' windows and pimpin' the ho's and creepin' the peeps.
actually, i am just tired and had a long day on the orient express to woodbury commons and my sugar coma was serious today.
more to follow.
tick tock to 2009.
resolutions are growing, like a dog in heat.
yeah, boyz.

CHRISTMAS FRUIT CAKE

every year my uncle jerome brings a watermelon from west virginia up for christmas. we cut open glad trash bags up and line the living room floor. mama hangs the watermelon from some ol' fishing line and we get a broom stick out. we take turns breakin up that big ol' piece of juicy fruit. once it breaks open and smashes into bits and pieces on da floor. everyone races to collect as many watermelon seeds as possible. whoever has the most seeds is going to have good luck in the coming year and good health. actually, my great aunt lucille thompson told me it means the youngest child is going to get knocked up and the oldest is going to die poor without a man. there is 10 minutes left to christmas and i have sticky hands from the watermelon. i was the winner today with 34 watermelon seeds, i guess i am going to wake up january 1 2009 collecting unemployment and no dick in my bed. oh wait, that already came true. happy birthday jesus. i will remember to get you an ice cream cake next year.

CHRISTMAS EVE OR ADAM AND STEVE

nothing says christmas like blissmas in the lovely town of maplewood. ms. k and mr. m throw a hell of a party. like to give a shout out to everyone that was wearing pearls last night. P.S. that was half the joint. christmas cords were in effect. santa's little helper was licking scraps of food of the floor. the rugs kept getting fucked up. that is a sign of a great sioree. the food was ol' school traditional hearty tasty food. no fucking cheese ball dyed the color of port wine and yellow dye #3. fierce crab cakes. a dip that i thought had lemon in it. actually that was my kettle and soda that had 5 lemons in it. MY MARTINI HAS 9 OLIVES IN IT. the only good thing about fruit in your cocktail is it tracks how many drinks you have. other than that, it is bad news and the only thing worse is when you wake up in the alley of the washington mall with your pants around your ankles. NOW THAT IS BAD ICE. don't mistake that with black ice. that is dot burton's son, who is a trannie drag queen coke whore "working" up in atlantic city. atlantic city is such a beautiful place. yeah, if your fucking high on crack whistling dixie thru your one chipped tooth.
SUGAR SNAP PEAS.
back to kissmissbliss. we took family photos in front of the tree. genie always cries tears of joy that she has a father that doesn't work in the dept of sanitation swingin off the back of a truck slinging other's people's recyclables. yeah, i am trying to be green this year. screw that shit. screw that whole foods organic food, eggs, milk, dish soap, toxic free bullshit. bring me a box of radon covered bananas and serve them to me on a Styrofoam plate and wash it with hot water. leave the water on. then throw the plate out of your car window while your driving your diesel VW to HOME DEPOT. support big business. i am leaving out the best part of the event they had ol' school smithfield style country ham. the one that is a salt lick. a baby fetus from a dodgey farmer's daughter abortion. banana nut crunch, beyatches. everyone was humpin the shit out of it. i just have to watch dot soak that shit all summer so we don't get along. we sit at different lunch tables and never play jacks together on the playground. i wear lacoste. she wears sears.
i have been out to eat 3 times today and is only 2pm. i heart jlc. he ironed my pillowcases and followed my socks and hung up my white t shirt to dry. he is waiting me on to get the ruler out to measure the table cloth to make sure it is the same length on the dining room table. sounds like my kind of xmas. he always told me he sent out 125 xmas cards in usa. 75 international. he has been getting zillions of cards, packages, and emails from priests in ireland. don't ya love that. he is upstairs peeling 4 pounds of fresh jumbo shrimp for the raw bar at cleary xmas.
i have to end this now because i have this tradition where i go down to the homeless shelter, the one where all those people live who have lost their houses and $$$ due to fire, water, or crack. i want to help out and reach out my hand to them during this time of year. i just reach out my hand to throw my cigarette out and i drive right by to hit starbucks drive-thru. maybe next year i won't litter and help somebody less fortune out. in the meantime, where is a mirror to check my lipgloss? never know who ya gonna run into in your hometown at the holidays.
p.s.s.s MOTHER NATURE GET OUT YOUR DARK GREEN CRAYON EARTH IS LOOKING A LITTLE SHABBY CHIC AND I HATE THAT LOOK.

PARDON ME?

i only really had to get 6 small gifts for my nephews and nieces. minus one in the navy. cannot send gifts from target or hollister to boot camp. actually, there should be a target on every military base so while their are training how to shoot anything that moves overseas they take that built up angst out by buying some archer farm crackers or some choxie truffles or a new video game for their Wii.
i could not find anything for one of my nephews and one of my nieces so i am attaching my name to JLC/FOMO gifts. gingerbread snaps.
i got the kadie, mark, genie, and taylor "blissmas" party tonight in maplewood. p.s. i am spending the night. i pray to the menorah that i remain on my feet and at no point do i end up laying or rolling or sitting on the floors of their house. fucking hot egg nog mess, CMC.
as the clock tick tocks and the days of 2008 disappear. i am thankful for a lot of things more so then say in the middle of a year when i am self asborded. always saying ME. MYSELF. I. always looking for anything shiny to catch my reflection. carrying the attitude i am gonna fuck you over before you fuck me. actually, that is the gay verison of tag.
I am thankful I am not living in Buffalo, NY these days. 1. erie county is not the look. 2. mother nature car bombed them with ice and snow this week. I am thankful that I am not a sixth grader in mansfield, texas. Why? I am one sloppy joe when it comes to eatting my cookies on the 552. well, these kids got cookie crumbs on the bus ride home and the bus driver told them that he was going to slit their wrists if they did not admit to being the cookie monsters. now that is some good tv. subplot in high school musical 4? always thinkin' mr. disney. i am thankful that i have been home for only 2 days and i have been out to eat 7 times. i feel like such a fat blue pig as i sit right here BUT i just have to drive my mental rental over to target, bed, bath, and beyond, and pathmark and see that they are a lot people out their drowning in a sea of carmel corn, cupcakes, and brown gravy. i am sure they are a lot of people who are making new year's resolutions to lose weight in 2009. SURE THEY ARE. is there any hope over 200 pounds? isn't that the sequel to will smith's 8 pounds starring Oprah????? cmc's resolutions 1. size 30 waist.
DEMI MOORE TO COME. I am thankful that President Bush pardoned Fugees Producer and Rapper John Forte who was serving a 14yr sentence for possession of 31 pounds of liquid cocaine. a nice christmas message to all the peeps livin' in the hood. why go to school? why get a job? why use birth control? why not carry fire arms? why not? don't need to why you have a slim chance some white man high up the hill may save the day.
the last thing i am thankful is that none of carlie simon's cds will be in my stockings this year. i liked her better when she had stage fright and stayed in her banana bubble on martha's vineyard
"i had some nightmares they were crack vials in my couch, crack vials in my couch. you so fucking strung out you probably think this song is about you."
8 days to start your life over with a fresh coat off rust proof paint, kids.

light starch and hanger, Ho Min.

buffalo chicken dip filled the air. the blue spruce was singin' silent night. mother nature hung crystals on all the tree branches and the lawns were wrapped in snowy blankets. lebanon, pa was it's a wonderful life 2.0 i thought i was borrowing the iron to bring back to the mansion to iron my wool/cashmere patchwork limited edition jcrew slacks. INCORRECT. they were having an ironing station at the party. right next to the dining room table filled with a glorious selection of savories and sweets, i would have a picnic table set up with a iron, spray n starch, and ironing board. guests could line up and i would wrinkle free everything from xmas sweaters, oxfords, pants, and a portable steamer next to the tree for fine silks and cocktail dresses/skirts.
OMG WTF BBQ.
GTFO.
GFY.
FOAD.
i am cereal, no one puts bambino in da corners, papi.
JLC just threw a snowball at me..."you shouldn't wear your hat in the house...your gonna lose all your hair" then he just turned the lights up in the room so high that my eyes are twitchin'. home sweet and sour home. pass me the miso soup and don't hog all the pork friend rice, you MSG whore. i just rubbed my eyed and realized i never blended in my prep-h under my eyes before i went out xmas shopping so i probably look like a piece of fried chicken tea bagged my eyes all day. i guess you could call that a dot burton pearl necklace? oh shit and those pearls are 100 percent dipped, bitch.
FOMO COCKTAIL BREAK: we just cracked open the champagne and i am sippin it in the living room as i type and she puts the first box labeled "good balls" up on the tree. i wonder where we keep the bad balls?
ok, so my iron is all heated up and i am behind my station at on east high street. ok people line up in a single file. make sure you have a ticket for me....ok people single file. NO PUSHING. if you start pushing. you will lose your turn and have to go to the back of the line. ok, take your pants off. hey no back talking. ok, sir you want a nice pleat in your trousers. please let's only have one line. tony can you go and get me another bottle of spray n starch. christina, be a dear and go get another case of hangers. after 3 hours of constant pressing and de wrinkling i was set free to drink, eat, be merry? no, i then i was assigned to dirty paper plates, empty glasses, and scanning the floors for lost canapes and christmas cookie crumbs duty. i thought it was a given that tony was going to be a busser and server for the party being the only token "black"....actually the only minority at the party. well, there were some gays there.....they like to think of themselves as the queens of the crop..but we all know they are like bottom feeders sucking every other plankton off. pig play and water sports. rejoice and amen. it could be worse i could be living in zimbanwe standing along a road in matabeleland, barefoot stuffing my pockets with corn kernels that have blown off the truck that are made for animal feed but stuffing in my pocket like they are gold coins.
AND I AIN'T MAKING THAT PART UP. I read about them on the front page of the new york times... what a wonderful world we live in? only in america can a baby be born with a tumor in the side of her head but then they operate and find out that she had a mcdonalds happy meal in that tumor. a little mr. potato head with exchangable hands and feet and funny noses too or what was it a slinky or maybe a shrinky dink? i get my happy meal toys mixed all the time.
gosh darn shucks.
NOW THAT IS BANANAS FOSTER POTATO AU GRATIN.

20 percent off all christmas items

i am too busy stuffing my face with chocolate covered macaroons and sippin on tea. i just went out to get xmas gifts for the kids. i only found two gifts. i have 4 to go. hello, it is the 23rd tomorrow. rental car was made extra special from a guest appearance by JLC. i just don't feel like bloggin' today. i wil put it on the back burner next to my mulled wine and the bunny i am cooking.

TILT

game over. at jlc's. took me 5.5 to get here. pj's on and wondering why scrubs is coming to abc. i don't enjoy that one. dad had a stylist put his outside lights up. he sent my xmas card from his house to his house so i would have it before xmas. he took me out for a tasty cake din dins and toasted my diet coke for his birthday present. HEART HIM AGAIN. P.S. arts and crafts was cancelled due to snow and tree is not up because of arts/crafts work area. i hate the phrase the pay it forward. really? i really hate when some kween says gay it forward. my great uncle jerry used to say fuck it dogstyle. actually, that was my aunt jean and i think it was more like smell yo dick. sorry my mind is like mushy canned pears from my beautiful weekend in lebanon visiting bootsy collins, mama boots, and baby boots. i met so many great peeps and the stories are endless and glory hole ious. ginger snap. i will have a nice porter house blog for you tomorrow. some hot juicy meat you can get your mouth around. FUCK THIS TOFU BULLSHIT FLUFF. AIN'T HAVING IT.