state of emergency

i am in Lebanon, PA for the weekend. boots all over the world.
stay tuned. things are going HD digital cable.
things are going to be crystal clear.

WINTER WEATHER ADVISORY

i just got a weather update on good morning america from JLC's front deck. He is calling for a messy mix of snow/sleet with dangerous driving conditions and a big heaping of icing on trees and roads. watch out for black ice, she is one big fat nasty black tranny. oh my oh my. i just repacked my suitcases from 3 to 1 huge black titanic steamer trunk. actually, it has wheels so i won't be re adjusting my shit all over my shoulders and breaking out in a sweat before i get to my final desitation on sunday which the JLC compound. I am venturing on the 315 is it? or 513? to philly today then driving out to Lancaster, PA to visit john john aka boots for some holiday cheer. tony is/was invited but i don't see him out and about in the daylight and i don't see him dealing with wintery weather either. his black ass probably melts quickier than the wicked witch of the eastern block. very touchy times overseas. there is problems i think with oil, guns, and i think we have a problem with a couple countries but their names escape me...they start with vowels, which is weird because i think of how a lot of our states start with the letter N. something to think about. it is a brain teaser or an ABC slushee...mmmmmmm i heart wawa ones with half coke and half cherry. very enjoyable. add a hoagie. GOLDEN, BABY.
i had dream about my childhood friend, nefertiti, last night. her family moved out from coney island. Her mom, Cristal, made the best matzo ball soup i have ever tasted and let me tell you i went thru a brief period back in the 90's where i only dated jewish boys...big noses...big........oh well, the whole no xmas tree and lights and glitter washes a lot of those dreams right down the drain. actually, sometimes i would have to get a little drano out to force that shit down my pipes.
anyway, back to nefertiti she looked like an italian bette milder in my eyes. we used to race inch worms on Central Ave in North Haledon. She introduced me to her friends, Strawberry Shortcake and Holly Hobby. I introduced her to the village of the Smurfs and I made magic by lightbulb and made her a birthday cakes from my easy bake oven. I blame that toy and my mother's death having me fend for food in the nest on why I am a fry cook at north cape may mcdonalds today. I HAD BIG DREAMS. I WAS GOING TO BE SOMEONE. I WAS GOING TO BE ON BROADWAY. I WAS GOING TO BE A MOVER AND A SHAKER. the only thing moving these days is my shit back n forth from the tin house to 309 howard...and the only thing shaking is mr. augustine's bullet full of my poison. if clay aiken can have a baby and be in spamlot. then golly i think this fag can make it too.....follow the glitter lettuce brick road. click my red crocs together 3 times. oh enough with the wizard of oz references, dorthory.
ok, back to my friend, Nef, I had a dream that she was had a sweat shop in Cape May and they were making cashmere and lambswool sweaters for jcrew. my heart was torn between draping a new sweater vest on or the wealthfare of these kids. i woke up sweating and screaming...i ran straight to my closet and put on my newest lambswool jcrew sweater and i rocked/cried myself back to sleep praying that 18yr old chinese people were sewing the suede patches on my cardies.
i am getting worked up again...with christmas so close everything is getting me misty. i was crying at a laxative commerical the other day. life goes on and we lose touch with a lot of people from our past. actually, they creep back in your life via facebook now. so no worries there. i guess it is fitting that i had a dream about neffie last night because i used to dress up in my mother's halston dresses and pearls..and she would take snapshots with JLC's polaroid camera. I used to hid them under my bed and i sometimes showed the boy down the street, steve them he enjoyed them A LOT. well, it is a sad day today because polaroid filed for chapter 11 this morning. I guess I will have to start using my webcam when I am in the South Jersey M 4 crossing dressing men chat room. It ain't 1979 anymore, it is going to be 2009. oh how i long for the days of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, apple juice, and riding a worm with wheels to the royal wife of Egypt's house.

virginias is for lovers. decembers is for fools

up at the crack of dawn. AGAIN. i had a little pre xmas ho ho ho hostess cupcake and cocktail thang with the wednesday group at the brown room. it was very lovely. i was so hung ova yesterday but i entered the kettle one iron man and had 3 seniors and two juniors. NG, how you feeling this glorious morning? i am riding on thin ice and my skates are not dorthory hams, they are brian botanos on gin n juice and a hit of crack. enough about my monkeys.
my birthday was a smashing hit. i got the engagement ring from tiffany's from the Mr. it is platinum with a smart ring of diamonds but not too tony sopranos meets my so-called life. oh shit, let's give a shout out to an ol' school show. that was the shnizzle, nigga. i cannot even tell you how many emails, texts, and calls i got yesterday wishing me the best as i enter into a new chapter of my life. the 40's. i remember it like yesterday turning 10 and getting out my hot glue gun and glittering away fomo's vogue magazines and sniffin' at the guy's underwear ads. now those are some childhood memories to lock in the hope chest. yeah, get me some gasoline and will send it out to sea and torch that shit. anygay, the florist showed up 4 times with a variety of flowers and one tacky arrangement from you know who! SNAP. then, i got dressed to the 9's. more like the 4.5's and went to my birthday party at congress hall. it was amazing race. is that show even on still?
everyone was there. kate and paul from montclair. katie and brandon from clearwater. baracky and michelle from chicago. tom and katie from l.a. smurfette and papa smurf from the left side of my brain. the cake was amazing. 3 layers of golden chiffon wrapped in chocolate ganache and dripping with 24k gold leaf bananas. a tear is running down my china doll face right now. RICE? rice a roni the san fran doggie treat. san fran is on the stove still, just simmering children. FYI.
lots of laughs. lots of cocktails. lots of good times. now onto more important things. what could be more important than christopher michael's birthday?
i am only 36 years old and my birthday is february 4th 1972. you can write to the paterson hospital if need be. i know what was my parents fucking thinking having me born in that dumpy city. not the look, mr. lagerfield. actually, MY BLOG TURNED 40 YESTERDAY. it was the 40th installment.i did not turn 40 and december 17th is JLC's birthday. i think i will have to start writing disclaimers on my emails and blogs. well, thank you for all the best wishes and i actually had an excellent day. i did get engaged but we are going to get married in greece this spring. so, don't expect a huge wedding at congress hall with all the blah blah blah...i know i know it sounds like a copycat wedding. but we both have dicks and i am not wearing white.
happy pre birthday jesus. isn't he like 400 in church years on the 25th of december?

episode 40

the scene opens with grey skies and a bit of chili fries in the air...me standing on columbia street in a full length chanel gown, hair in an up do by edward kohl. swimming in diamonds and soaking wet with pearls. my lipstick is brick red...the trees start to whistle...i start to break out in song...mamma mia don't ever let you go? the soundtrack then goes into womanizer....victorian dancers come out of nowhere we do a lavish dance number in the streets...i am not at all concerned that my buy one get one free express salads will get crushed i just keep on dancing...the gas laterns on howard street are filled with disco balls. i blink and everyone is gone..i am in my clothes from last night...still smelling like pizza and wings....coffee, cigarettes, and booze ooozing out of my pores...vision impaired. eyes bleeding. outfits to match. gifts to wrap. fudge to pack. netflix to watch. i am a very stylish girl. busy body queen bee on the prowl. time to buzz my way up to the hive and kick this shit into 5th gear. i wonder if santa is gonna be white or black this year? last year he was black, but actually it was two guys from wildwood breaking and entering for a cup of flour to make christmas cookies for their kids. oh what a winter wonderland. i wish snowflakes were pink mixed with glitter. note to mother nature: get your shit together and start making things happen.
the music dies and the scene fades to black.
exit stage left, beyatches.
i know your all going to be on your tip toes for episode 41.
P.S. JLC if you have been secretly watching my shit show...HAPPY 77th BIRTHDAY PAYCE.
i know mom is up in heaven with her feet up on her otto watching with a big bowl of p corn and a ice cold kettle one martini extra dirty and dry. CHOW CHOW FOR NOW.

A MIRACLE ON ROUTE 47.

hands down i was in the dumps yesterday. it was a number 3 combo meal: tired with two sides: boys and so so glitter fries. i was staring off into airport space most of the day. by the time i got on the 552 my eyes were burning from being up on the road before the sun came up yesterday to go to the airport with katie. gf, i feel for you because that drive is not the look. all the priests bring the side by side shakes and boys to the yard...oh shit, sing it....SING IT LOUD MOTHA FUCKA. can i get a what? what? can i get a HOLY ROLLA PAPA WAS A ROLLING STONE....nothing like breaking out into song in your coffee cup..shit, hit the brakes.... just when i thought there was no hope. I got on the 552 and let me tell ya it was like a big helping of ghetto sugar free fat free pudding. i think yesterday at the pudding bar they had butterscotch and german chocolate. sometimes they put too much coconut on top. so, i usually go lite on that. gets all stuck in my dentures and i usually don't have any floss with me, so i have to find something in my fanny pack to pick that shit out with. it turns into a chore. not cute.
back to the 227 i mean 552. there was a wigga aka black nig on the bus who was cryin' about how he was so hungry trying to get down to north cape may...yo, B i am so hungry yo that i feel my ribs comin thru my back....those people have to pack smart sensible treats for long trips like michelle's spiced nuts and katie's peppermint brownies..I THOUGHT EVERYONE KNOWS THAT. then, he was bitchin about how a friend sayin' they eat all his food at his place...YO, I BRING MY OWN CHIPS and SO DO YOU. he ends up eatting the chips we leave there. REALLY? i never realized that chips were a staple household item. well, when your wearing a dirty wifebeater, your "sweat" pants are 10x too big for you and your talking about getting off at the booze bus stop to pick up a 6 pack and some pretzels..i guess chips are a meal. i cannot fucking imagine what they consider holiday chips?????? it is probably filet mignon and shrimp cocktail to them. P.S. i don't heart six pack beer drinkers. 1.cans. 2.bloated on malt and hops 3. cans.
next stop, an oreo couple with a irish coffee baby. they had more shit than you could imagine. breaking down this huge stroller, then a car seat-baby carry on seat, two huge diaper bags.....p.s. they were a nasty print. nothing cute or maybe a nice burberry plaid...they looked like a tacky lunch bag for your hautre ghetto coutre brown bag processed cheese slice and boiled ham sandwich on acme white bread. OOOOOH NOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOO. the girl, who had a bit of a junk drawer when she came by my seat...she was soooooo out of breath..i was like "oh honey, you need an H20 tank. actually, i meant O2. oh my gawd, did you see oprah on the cover O for january. she is fat and thin. that is bananas. slim jim and bob's big boy. hmmmm, interesting.
there were some other scabs in the melting pot too, but i have to take this shit off of boil and let it simmer and get on with my day. let me just say that by the end of the 552, god shot me up with biggest needle of liquid crack and i was feeling no pain stumbling back to 309 howard street. i think FOX should do a show where they take millionaires who ride in limos, private jets, and helipcoters and make them take the 552 to from cape may to atlantic city. oh shit. now that is some good tv. i am back in my warm fuzzy banana bubble.....for now. the monkey is gonna jump back on my back friday. need to get my shots and stock up on raid. where else in the world can you ride next to a mexican dishwasher reading the lastest issue of mexico playboy where the playmate is dressed like a skanky slutty legs up in the air 24-7 virgin mary?
ONLY IN AMERICA.
ONLY ON THE 552.
FIGHT FOR THE RELEASE OF OUR TROOPS AND FREE PORN.

FROSTED FLAKES

i feel the ground trembling and the house of cards is about to crumble. when the dust settles the only one standing will be the queen of hearts. time to call your bluff.

caffeine and lifetime

there is nothing like waking up on a sunday morning not swimming in a kiddie pool of jack n cokes, kettle ones n soda, and cigarettes. i can keep my swimmies and two piece high school musical 2 bikini for next trip up stream to ybor city. i never have been to a flea market where they sell booze, corn dogs and sex toys all in the same parking lot. amazing race. we stopped for lunch at panera. i had a red bull in a bread bowl. they hold a lot soup, by the way. i am finishing off my last full day in florida at the pinellas county country club where the dress code is sporty spice chic and having killer shrimp with some of the locals. perfection. a game for all ages. i have to get back to the litter box or the sandtrap formally known as cape may tomorrow. why? i don't really know. actually, it is to get my costumes for the next act. how many weeks left before i have to go back to work? shhhhh. shut your mouth.