RECIPE FOR CMC: ONE PART HOT TO TWO PARTS MESS

i am officially a blogger junkie. i am in philly right now stopped at the starbucks on walnut to tap into my mac book to do a quickie before i check into diva headquarters...the marriott hotel. i tried to blog via my iphone on the bus but i could not get into the text part of this shit.there was an asian girl that i had very bad thoughts going on in my lollipop...then she became my bbf because she was into my 4 apple products going on in my greyhound cubby hole.. there must be something in the lo mein lately or the duck sauce has roofies in the orange dye # 5 because once again there is a video out there of me boozed up and dancing. actually, it was at my nephew, ryan's going away to the navy bye bye see ya in 6 yrs or so. i don't know but they had two hoagies that were as long as some guy's...really? actually, they were at least 20 feet. i know i heart that much cold cuts gettin' together for a good cause. GO ARMY. anyway, my dad was macked out in his new 100 % percent cashmere blazer from brooks brothers....i was cummin' in my cashmere/wool cargo pants. my sister in law, cindy, said they were 80's...say what, beyattttch?
anyway, i was drippin' in black shirt. black tie. black shirt. everyone is fricking jeans and no frills vacation spot t shirt. like port jervis and shit with fish and wilderness scenes...i ran into some random peeps from my old thornton drive days..i have not seen them in about 30 years. i miss living in north haledon. fooling around in the red barn behind steven's house with the boys. marc and gary too. oh shit. there were a lot of gays up on that block. i actually don't think i have ever told anyone that shit. oooops..i just let the labadoodle out of my purse....oh shit..i am spitting up pearls and cum. so actually, i hit the card table bar and jackie daniels was perched there waving to me...meanwhile, back on the roof of the riverdale civic center...in 3 hours i was wearing a plastic navy hat, having my 11 year niece limewire madonna....then i was dancing to 4 minutes with my nephew's friends tick tock tick tock...ONE PART HOT. TWO PART MESS. one of the 18yr old boys had the sickiest body. i wasn't seeing it and was instant oatmeal a fucking daddy at 37. really, i used to be a twinkie boy chicken...actually, i look good for my age. i look young. actually, i just bought $110 an oz face serum. so that take that fuckin tyra. i am sick of being a supermodel. i am a big a fish in a small pond and i want to get off this merry go around..and i want to be playing with steven, marc, and gary in the sandbox on thorton drive.
p.s. sorry mom i think i am going to hell. i will send a postcard i promise.

smothered pork chops

i have and still want to write a book. ever since i was a little tater tot playing with matchbox cars and strawberry shortcake dolls i have etch a sketched the book sleeve bio of me, the perfect lady in waiting a quick modge podge of my life. grew up a latch key kid with homo tendencies, creative and was vaccumming and pledgin' the family work work since the age of 6, business school in upstate new york, The Culinary Institute of America "the best fucking one in the USA, actually,"
my shining moment being asked to on The Rosie O Donnell Show, took some time off to experiment with clubs and drugs, fell into a destructive relationship ditch which took five years with a dodgey compass and some weak twine to pull myself out of that tar pit...to be reborn a follower of the lord in cape may and give back to fight the evils of cancer and help small children and animals. Christopher Cleary is now living in his Philadelphia loft with his partner of 5 years with their two dogs and writing his memoir to come out in the distant future.
OH SHIT. I got a little craisins there and carried away with that..i don't think i even had the eye-hand cordination back in the 70's to even spell my intials let alone spew out that crap....blow big bubbles my mom always said..then you can fit more dreams in them. i just totally lied. i just made that shit up.i should start writing cards for hallmark. don't you hate it when you trying to find the perfect way to tell someone that there an asshole and you don't want it too fluffy with two many watercolor birds and turtles on the front....and then you don't want to be too comic strip where the person thinks your only kidding and that your really don't wish you never met them.
there is a market out there. ya just have to bitch slap it.

stripper pole and dinner date etiquette

it has been raining all day in north jersey at the jlc compound...as i sit here sippin a cup of tea letting my two diner trips deposit fat into my tummy i have been mulling over my performances at various venues in the florida area." how much time do you spend on the runway? do you try to incorporate your dance partners style or do you flip it down and just go ol' school freestyle? do you grind the person on the box with you if they are ugly? and/or female? is crawling on the catwalk considered a little too atlanta ghetto banshee black girl hoochie? if you spill your drink on your partner while straddling the pole is that considered a risk factor...just like if you play football you might get tackled..break a limb and get some grass stains on your outfit...actually, i think the NFL scotch guards their stuff real good. and how many times can you flash your "on vacation" card to the bouncer when he escorts you off the box? i say at least 10 times and after that 10th hole punch you should get a free shot of starbucks espresso or an irish car bomb...that is all i am saying...memberships has its rewards these days.
that then brings me back to a tiny little dish of drama i was served up last wed. night in philly. i went to dinner with a friend who i briefly dated last year. i was staying with some friends that night before i flew out to florida.so, i thought it would be nice to catch up with him over cocktails and some rations before i went to their apartment.
it started off cute. martinis flowin'..cheese platter goin'...well, 5 or 6 tinis deep the conversation started to get a bit funky..and i was hearin' that i was thoughtless, living in a bubble down in cape may, blah blah..well, that did not help wash down my beef oxtail over mac/cheese honey.
a couple more cocktails later, we were in the pouring rain walking to his car and he is yelling like a school girl....WHAT ABOUT MY NIGHT? WHAT ABOUT WHAT I WANT TO DO? WHATI AM JUST A FILLER TO YOU? actually, the icing on the queer cupcakes was when he raced off from 0 to 60 in his car with all of my stuff in the car...including my new apple macbook....p.s. this is a respected professional business man from philly...i think someone is blowing some bubbles thru a crazy straw in his parts..i know all my bleeders are on the edge of their seats thinking..OH MY GOD DID YOU GET YOUR STUFF BACK???? oh please, his drunk ass drove right around the block..you know i was ready to call the police and give them the 411. shit, no is going to fuck up my plans to visit my bbf in clearwater.... bottom feeder line is he thought i was going to go back to his place so he could get laid....really? really. it boils down to etiquette and what is classy? and what is white trash? and what is just down right a fucking hot mess! I guess I am going to have to check with emily post, miss manners, and www.gaydinnerdates.com whether a dozen martinis and a perfectly braised piece of meat means pull out your cock and legs over head, boy and is the boxes and catwalks at clubs there for you to act like a complete jerk off or should we just reserve them for the professional strippers who are working to pay their rent, put captain crunch on the table for their 3 kids, and support their coke habit at age 19.
life is a mystery....... and hello, madonna said that shit

BULLETS SOLD SEPARATE

i hate packing to go away. always bring way too many outfits. i try to pick a theme such as heroin chic rugby playa, jcrew on smack, and one of my favorites baby phat newark drug dealer with a splash of upper class irish american brooks brother style...and i have a dance off with packing a mock turtleneck, sports bra, and a fanny pack for those "what if" situations. what happens if i go away and everyone is dressing down in lesbian L.L. bean couture....excuse me taxi driver, can we make a stop at the local army/navy store and home depot. i forgot my flannel coat and my shit kickers..packing to go home can be just as annoying...trying to keep your dirty underwear, smelly socks, and sandy bathing suits away from that silk blouse you got a chance to runway. HINT: save a a plastic shopping bag and pack those dirty knickers and that spam slider stained t shirt in there. actually, you can just mix whites and colors together and wash everything when you get home. i totally understand a fresh bounty fresh start.
i hate to say goodbye. i don't know if it is deep rooted in my bone marrow from my mother dying when i was 9 and my dad starting up a speed dating service at 2 thornton drive looking for candiates for the next "mommy" ok, ladies...line up along the hedges in single file. please have your applications fully completed, resumes and references are smiled upon, and a photo I.D. is required. well, don't get me started on how that all played out. another time. another blog, oh shit. So, I pack abandonment issues in my titanic steamer trunk aka my "BAGGAGE"
so, i try to make it quick during depatures.... a random hug without a full bear hug embrace, a pathetic peck on the cheek, a high speed rant...call ya, text ya, email ya, see ya soon, thanks again, love ya, mean it beyatch.
i sit in front of gate a in the tampa airport. treadin in the riptide wondering what the fuck i am going to do with the next 5 months off...go back to the sand crack of my ass, cape may and pick up my script from the studio. it is so hard playing the gay lead in this dramedy!! an epic tragedy of "sweeps time" proportions...i think my character is in for a real pager turner this season...i wake up out of my booze infested coma and stop blowing smoke screens of a being a "relationship with the man of my dreams"... i adopt the baby i have always craved and become a famous author.
HOLD UP.
MY SHOW DOES NOT GO THAT FAST.
THAT IS GOING TO TAKE AT LEAST TWO SEASONS TO UNFOLD.
actually, there are rumors all over the net that my character gets killed off in the season opener.
oh well...i am at exactly 50 pounds with my suitcase and i am not paying Continental another penny. so, the gun will have to go back into the end table, i will snooze for another 365.. and i will have to remember to not pack that extra pair of shoes next time..gotta bail my flight is boarding.

HAPPY VETERANS DAY

it is a national holiday or wait is it state holiday? i don't know but I had to work this morning. I had to answer 6 or 7 random questions about shit online and then the NJ dept of labor is going to send me my check. I know I was thinking the same thing...WHY I AM NOT OFF TODAY??? everyone else is. if the homeless people are taking a day off from panhandling so that the vets can get some extra poppy sales..then i should be get time and a half this tuesday 11/11/2008. now if that does not scream USA, i does not know what does? actually, organic batter blasters does. if you have not seen it? you must google that hot spray mess and watch the demo video. it looks easier than it seems and it don't make 20 something pancakes..you end up scorchin' half of them and pitchin' them in the trash...and you don't even want a damn pancake...more work on this holy ....ist of days.... anyway, i thought it was really a vets day and all the dr's that take care of all the sick and baby animals had a day off to pat themselves on the back for saving lifes. but then i ran into this guy who lost his leg in the war who had a cup holder with a mountain dew and an oxygen tank on the back of his medical go cart....was the mountain dew diet, you ask? NO, it was not. it should be a diet pop..I went to an upscale beer bar last night called independent in st. petes..that serves wine, too. i was told by the man working that this sample tastes like bananas and nuts. say what? i heart those two items and together i actually heart them even more..it is like a rainbow of fruit flava...however, i don't think there is anything classy or "TADA" about beer. G to H to E to T to T to O. I said I was going to keep this shit short today because it was a holiday.
I am
I am leaving Clearwater to return to NJ tomorrow morning. I love vacations for another reason. Makes you realize how much you really hate your life and how your in a loveless relationship and you need to eat more green veggies. oh well. fuck it. maybe next time i will buy two poppies in front of the market from the dr. morganstein (that is famous gay doggie dr. in clearwater.) I know we have a vet in cape may that is a fag too. it is such a small world. walt disney was so spot on with that ride and he loved pancakes too.

section 8 and government cheese, 100% processed drama

i spent half the morning in florida while katie is molding young apostles minds how to divide 7 dashes of holy water into 365 bodies of christ while brandon protects and serves the local waters off florida and around too. i think? i don't know if the gulf of mexico, is part of their turf. i think maybe the cops on blow-up rafts protect that..i know that they do on the intercoastal section and at seaworld...back to how i spent my morning..i was trying to balance hot coffee, facebook updates, iphoto shop, paying attention to the dog, and oh yeah calling nj dept of labor to see if my unemployment kicked in yet. fricking busy signal about 30 times. iphones don't have redial. say what? i know, killin' me with that shit. short story long..it is up and running and i file tomorrow morning. it is a long winter till work starts again in april. sometimes you have to decide between a new lacoste bag or a block government cheddar straight from the camden dairy farms? some months you are skinnier than others. we usually turn our trailer around to face northeast. better sunlight and stretches the life of our propane tanks.
one more full day in florida and then up north to JLC's again for a brief stint. i just got back from a quick bike ride to the market..i decided to pick up a perdue fryer chicken and some of the fixing..cranberry, chicken stock, carrots, cookie dough, and M&M's...well, i could not remember the combo to the bike lock..it is a birthday..and i was going thru number combos with the sun roasting my bird and my irish ass...i was emailing katie at the school on my phone..i finally got remembered it...thanks dennis. i decided to stop for smokes at the CVS..well, the weight of the groceries in the basket... almost sent me flying into the propane re-fill station next the shopping carts in front of CVS. don't you get that shit at the hardware store or at some dodgey gas station with a 250lb man covered in grease and a whistling tooth.?? i managed to bring the bike to a hault.....and then i get to the doors of the CVS to see a huge bright neon orange sign from the local fire dept. saying this CVS has no fire alarms or sprinklers at this time. OH SHIT.

"GAY OUT OF TOWNER BLOWS UP CVS DUE HIS 8 POUND CHICKEN ON HIS GIRL BIKE"

a sprig of cilantro with one teaspoon of crushed roofies

actually, we were going to go to this one restaurant but actually there was a bride standing guard at the door. so, we went to this mexican place..i had the number 3 combo...which was a lot of shredded meat, cheese, and iceberg. brandon had a cuban that had ham, steak, chicken, cheese and a sliced hot dog. yes, a fricking hot dog. that is banana nut crunch, peeps. oh i forgot that there was a fried egg up on that trunk.. the tex mex community really know to combine their meat by-products. is that a cuban, fidel? mirtha said it was called cuban car bomb in east l.a.... we had to take a pit stop on sharondale to battle some heartburn.

TIP OF THE DAY:
HEARTBURN HAYTTA REMEDY

take a tablespoon of baking soda with a half glass of warm water.
tastes like you just got plowed by a huge wave in the atlantic, but it breaks that shit down in your chest, STAT.

the dunedin, florida wine and music festival was cutes. lots of random drunks on the street, overflowing trash cans, a hammered leather faced woman resisting her husbands efforts to get her unstuck from the atm machine. can you fricking move so i can get some bar cabbage, pleassssse.
just like moses parted the red sea..a vision of golden locks and this one was major. i met michelle. the infamous realtor who brings her own jelly shots to the bar, sometimes says she is black via cell phone to advance her bar status. i cannot even put it in words how crazy 8's she is but i will say that a guy came up to us and asked for an extra chair at the chic filet boom boom box room and i said sure..he gave us the thumbs up sign...michelle says.....WHAT DID YOU SAY? YOU WANT TO STICK YOUR THUMB UP MY FRIENDS BUTT? oh shit. her brother is gay too and he looks like the hot backstreet boy with the black hair. google him on your iphone. i did. tasty cakes. actually, there is a pancake mix that comes in a spray can...she said it is in the thing that you know with the door..the freezing part. really? i think all gay people know each other because we all have a really hard time wearing watches on our limp wrists.

TUNA TA-DA....giving a shout out to the mercy vocational high school cookbook....snaps.