RED, WHITE, AND BLACK N BLUE.

we survived another 4th of july weekend at camp. we played a mean game of potato wars and i always lose. dick decker was on my team and he was too busy washing his BLT down with a 40 of colt 45 his head was not in the game. that is what she said, dot and lucille won the three legged race...they won a 20 oz roadie of dewers. i was never was good at basketball or baseball. i am more of a "jacks" kind of girl or paper dolls. actually, i really was good at shrinky dinking. you know who is amazing at that too is tony. he took his whole apartment and shrunk it into one room in chowder hall. cue the music and the sound the alarms. 5:45am all the campers got a surprise wake up call last week.....is tony makin' smores again out of the trash can? he loves his chocolate and he loves it even more on a graham cracker. we had about 130 people show up for the BBQ. we fried a lot of chicken. by 8pm you could smell the burnt onions in the frying pans all the way at the tin house. turn on the fry daddy, girls. we watched the fireworks out on sewell street and they last 9 minutes which is a record cause last year they were 6.5 minutes...we should tear down the church on the washington mall and put up a macys so we can get some good fireworks in cape may. actually we should make that church into a nightclub like limelight in nyc....god likes the deep fried oreos in wildwood more than our busted fudge factory...the virgin mary really knows how to pack a mean fudge.....that is what joesph said. i have not had a real meal in days....eatting scrapes over the garbage can the past 7 days...jillene just came in with a hoagie from westside and i totally vinced her and took half of it....i felt like one of the flying rats that munches on the catfood in the backyard. gross. i have to get back to work. yes, i am working on a monday but worth it...katie and violet are coming to cape may tomorrow....thank god. i just want to let you all know that we have "suck my dick decker" t shirts back in stock in XXL. i have to turn into oprah today she has girls on who choose guys over their gays....i don't know if i know any girls like that? oh wait.......happy july 5th biotches.

pennies from heaven? nickels from hell?

i had a dream last night that i was adam lambert all glampussed up and then i woke face down in my twin bed without any sheets...still working on making my bed. mary jo could you be a doll and kiki down to the tin bin and freshen up my room before 4th of july weekend. i heard vince, my "professional" dishwasher and coon trapper, talking outside the tin house. i then realize that he was talking to my aunt patsy, aunt pauline, and cousin susan. wait were we front row at ms. lambert's concert? i rolled over and saw my aunt patsy peepin' thru the screen door. crusty eyed and still in a north wildwood dollar beer fog...i was mac n cheesin' on poosy hard last night...i think when i grow a beard i turn into a dyke and start making out with my gf's and i am all about big boobs. what the eyeliner?...i think my aunt patsy said we just got back from church and she would email me? tony told me last night that there was an ant in the microwave and he nuked it with his tea. it did not die. so, we are goin' to have this nuclear ant roamin' around the chalfonte? vince better set the trap. how much do you get for trappin' a monster ant? vince gets 45.00 dollars for catchin' a coon on the hotel property and 20.00 dollars for catchin' opossums. so, it would safe to say that ant must be worth at least 10.00? i don't need no ant stopping by the tin house to play a quick game of crazy 8's. i have to get back to work we open in 2 hours and i have not done any cooking yet? oh boy. i just got a note that a local came to breakfast last monday and we had pork roll and no baccon...so now we have to put bacon back on the breakfast buffet everyday and fried fish on friday, saturday, and sunday......here we go again and kiss my cutting my food cost down this season. the state of my fucking life. is it october yet? suck my dick decker, girls.

WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN, BITCHALISM?

i cannot even believe it has been so long since i had a post on this. WTF? my cans of forbidden fruit cocktail are all dented and rusty with a mild hint of botchalism. i could not even remember the website link i had to google myself. crazy gay guy? that is more screwed up than DC comics changing wonder woman's outfit.....black leggings? really? that is for lazy housewives or 12 year old girls still rockin' UGG boots. boring and very 4 hawt minutes ago. biker's jacket, too? what the dyke? is she goin' to a melissa e concert. shut it down. bring back that sporty bathsuit filled with supa powers. what have i been doin since i last post. Madrid. Paris. San Francisco. Lake Tahoe, thank you Mrs. Butson. San Francisco part two: the cilantro files. Florida. Flo rida actually is not a bad place to visit family and close friends, but other than that every road looks the same and crack head root beer barrel has a store inside of it? well, that is kind of cute cause it sells ol' school candies. JLC bought some chocolate covered nuts. i like my nuts dipped in kozy shack, by the way. I fell out of love with my so called future cape may husband and best friend and now realize I don't even want to spend the rest of my life in Cape May so why would I ever get involved with someone who lives here. Jersey Shore Boys? Let's keep that shit on MTV. I changed my relationship status more than I put glitter on things. Single. Engaged. Single. Engaged. Single. Married. Widowed. My mother always said I looked amazing in black chanel dresses.
A dishwasher, a landscaper, and a taco truck prep cook all walk into a bar and...........

THE SHIT SHOW COMING 9/21/09.

i have been working with a new director and a new producer. we had some lettuce issues with some of the main characters. so, some were let go and some new faces are coming. the locations have been scouted and the season premiere will be a mind flowin' cluster fuck. a roller coaster ride. a train wreck with some deadly results. sex, drugs, and mise en place baby. i am BAD ASS and i am bi sexual. well, i think there might be a fag or two. dykes not so much on the set. i don't know the stories will unfold. very top secret. very top shelf. so make yourself a french martini and get ready for THE SHIT SHOW.

SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY

i am writing this blog from a secret location today because someone broke into my house and went thru my things last night while i was out with the girls. i cannot figure out what or if anything was taken? But, you can tell that they were looking for something. 1500 apple laptop still here. 350 watch still here. my 3 closets full of clothes in tact and that shit is priceless. peeps in one piece a bit shaken up. i brought him to george's today for pancakes and bacon he is doing much better. i begged and pleaded with christina to stay another night but she had unbreakable plans. i felt stupid calling the police. this is now 2 times in one week where i have felt very vulnerable. i feel like i am just waiting for the house of cards to fall with me in the middle. i was never good at 52 pick up and i am sure am one bitter queen of hearts. so, i have myself locked up at a friend's place while they are away and i have some one watching my place. i just hope i don't need a magenta weave to protect me from stray bullets in the parking lot of acme.


good speed.
be safe.
keep you enemies close.

SIGNS

some might question where my dick is sometimes? i may sometimes push things to the limits. i watched the true hollywood story of janice dickinson and i felt like she was too much....is that callin' the supermodel whack? i mean sure back in my hay day runway days i did a lot of blow and booze. we did a lot of pill swappin' too. yeah know, i will trade you a malibu barbie for a strawberrry shortcake. did not really matter what they were it was more about....i hope i don't end up on the cover of the ny post or in bed with some random Z-lister. But, that all changed when i bought this fiber optic lady of guadalupe portrait from an old vegas show girl in berlin, new jersey. actually, i got it from a parking lot flea market. i so am going to get nailed by oprah when i go on to discuss my memoir. she is going to bitch slap me for over embellishin'. yeah know what oprah, everything looks better dipped in glitter...just like you look better in those big ol' diamond earrings...then "WE" both would forgot about how you hit 200 pounds again...shhhhhh, i won't tell anyone.... then you can make up some half ass online self help class and have your robot dr. wizard of oz tell everyone that it is as easy as 123. another 100 million in the bank, girl. $$$. then you and gail cane move to belize and live in the rainforest and come out of the damn closet.....i am jumping ahead. you first have to win and oscar and be vice president of the USA. Ok, back to the lady of guap. one night in the late 2000's. wtf? that does not sound as good as the late 80's....anyway, i saw a tear go down her cheek and i knew that she was crying out to me to get my life in order to stop dating unavailable assholes and to be a strong black woman. we don't got to be factory workers or lunch ladies....wait a fucking minute? i am thinking of that movie called Norma Linda Jackson where sally field went all black face and won an oscar. she really played ghetto to the "G" FYI: single ladies by beyonce. ABOUT LITTLE OL' ME. so, after that holy night, i vowed to go back to school and be single till Mr. Right came along and not settle for Mr. Right Now Will Do Because I Am Drunk As Hell. that would Mr. RNWDBIAD. was he in slumdog millionaire? i wanna sell slumdog hot dogs at the chalfonte hotel in a cart on the front porch and get one of those little indian kids to come sell them. we can put him on milk cart so he can reach the sauerkraut and relish. plus, we have better housing here than over there? to be honest, i don't really know where there is? i live at exit zero in nj we don't get indie movies here. HELLO NETFLIX, PEOPLE. I was going to pick up the mail for the hotel yesterday and on franklin street right next to my favorite family's house...shout out to the posse. i won't use their real last name because mama doesn't think this blog is for her eyes. it ain't everyone's cup of tea that is fuck sure. what? is pauly shore still alive? i have to go to the bathroom a lot this morning. WTF? i ate candy for the first time in weeks and i think my insides are telling me your not going to have a size 29 waist before june 1st eatting butterscotch krumpets, the raisin nette dancers, and a wawa iced coffee....really? really. i have a house guest. back the fuck up. back to my walk to the post. in a sea of washed out colors, i saw one beautiful bright yellow croctus smilin' at me. I SAID OH SHIT WINTER IS OVA. PAYCE. BRING ON MOTHA FUCKIN' SPRING, YO. HELLS TO THE YES, BOBBY B. that is my whitney houston. you should see me in my one man show this summer in the henry sawyer room it is called loose ends. it will be in the newsletter coming out march. i am doing the newsletter for the chalfonte this year. very glossy. lots of candid pics. lots of behind the scenes of the new renovations. the debut of my new column. this lip gloss is poppin', yo. i think everything happens for a reason and i think god or the virgin mary give us signs to lead us down the higher road in life...on the oh shit flip cup, last week the sign for the chalfonte hotel fell off the hotel in a wind storm after 130 years...what the hell does that mean? i don't know i have an email in to god asking what is in store for club chalfonte this summer and is the shit show gonna get picked up by NBC for another season.
in the name of the father.
in the name of the holy ghost.
in the name of fame...i wanna live forever....i wanna learn how to fly........
by the gay, i think i am totally getting ESPN and i am starting to see the future. weirds. RICE?

HIT N RUN

it has been 14 days since i last blogged. i feel like a teenage mom who gave birth at a bus stop on rt 47 and then threw my baby boy in a dumpster behind the burger king in rio grande. so many mixed emotions clouding me head. trying to rise above the sand and fog to make the right decision. i just did not think i could face everyone in cape may with a baby. the stares. the gossip. and don't get me started on what my local priest would think of me. oh shit. i fell in love with a local bartender who used to feed me free drinks and whispered sweet NOTHINGS in my ear about how i was like a best friend who he wanted to take the middle of the road with. OF COURSE, I LET HIM FUCK ME AND GET ME KNOCKED UP. my aunt marge always said, marry someone with less class than you. you will always will be prettier in the light. WTF? isn't that what botex and lifts are for? your suppose to marry someone who has a great relationship with their family, an amazing job and have enough lettuce to support your shoe fetish...shout out to fergie. HOLLA. if anything the only thing you should compromise on is their looks. it makes a lot of fucking sense if they are a tad on the ugly side.....then when that spotlight is burnin' a hole thru you....you will look like a fucking supermodel. will the real giselle stand UP?
so, this beyatch is back. i got a new 3G iphone glued to my side. i now own my personal gym. WTF? ya know what the clock is ticking..and this fag ain't gonna wake up one day 45 and wearing a XXL. jcrew don't come in that size. please, the only thing i am sleeping with these days is my dannon light n fit yogurt before 9pm. There is only 80 calories in it and I don't wake up feeling guilty about why the fuck i am sleeping over somebody's house that i am not having sex with or in a relationship with? angry? bitter? jaded? not really, just the simple true. i signed up to run the susan g komen race for the cure again in may. i have signed up to volunteer in NOLA to cook for 6 days. So, i guess I have been busy....but i should never be to busy to take a little time out of my day to blog. we all need our sugar. do they make sugar free gummy bears? i don't like sugar free jello it is has this foreign aftertaste....and not the turkish delight i love so much. you think you might give it a go then it slides down your throat and you ain't seein' it. kind of like when you get caught up in the moment and you let your older brother cum in your mouth. THAT IS NOT GOOD FOR BUSINESS. you are going to get shut down and the FOR RENT sign will be going up, ASAP. i was running today in cape may and i had this weird feeling that my ex boyfriend-best friend was going to pick me off with his jeep and i saw myself lying on the side of the road in a pool of blood in the dead of winter waiting for somebody to find me on the barren streets of cape may...then i snapped out of it and i laughed to myself. oh chris, he would never run you over with his car. why? because it is new and he would never want to dent it. he would rather just try to strangle you and throw your face into the counter in a room full of friends. sometimes you pick a candy out of the box and you bite into an awful orange creme filled chocolate. that is when you spit it out and wash your mouth out with kettle one. and say NEXT. i find it so much easier to fuck the ones with no class and never know their first names or cell numbers then try to do charity work. can you imagine me bringing that one home to JLC and me telling him he is like tom cruise in the movie, cocktail. really? really. let's leave the pity party to the poor people waiting on line for section 8 cheese and government bread. i do love a nice hearty soup in winter though. a nice minestrone. i should open a soup kitchen. screw that then i really would not have time to blog. i must go i have 10 more orders to fill before federal express comes picks up my battered wife gift baskets. sometimes you you have to turn lemonade into lemon souffle...and sometimes the only solution that makes sense is to run the mother fucker over with your jeep.
i am only getting my feet wet here children.
suck on this hard candy for awhile.
i will see ya tomorrow.
i never knew they made sour patch fags.
sometimes sweet and always bitter.
PAYCE BITCHES.
THIS TIME AROUND THERE WILL BE NO SURVIVORS.