i don't really know any nursery rhymes by heart. i do know a couple salt n pepa songs inside and out. yeah boyz. push it reallllll good, girls. as we approach the 25th, i guess my thoughts are on douglas fir scented candles, candy cane lane, and that dirty lil' elf who gave me the gift of the "clap" last year and it took a lot of creams and pills to clear that shit up. it was worse than hitting black ice on route 90 in my red toyota pick up truck on the way to buffalo with 5 boxes of glass christmas ornaments back in 2004. the car spun around like a top on meth banging the shit out of twink from boston. anygay, that is a true story. i did almost die one xmas season driving to buffalo to see my douche bag of a husband, no need to insert name. i called him from the side of the road. he was in the tub reading the paper and watching the news on our bathroom flat screen. my tears and cries for help and comfort were ignored and when i arrived back to buffalo we went out for wings and pizza. people from buffalo are very classy. actually, classy should be in bold cap letters dipped in gold glitter. i miss the days of playing the role of bree on desperate housewives. i miss them as much as i miss the time i almost drove our BMW X5 into the niagra river because she was talking to me..taunting me to come in for a quick dip. come on chris, the water is not that cold. you will be fine once you get in. you will forget all about the past. fast forward that movie that went straight to dvd. not every story can be a blockbuster and i have my fucking oscar on a rotating pedestal in my foyer going up to my penthouse on 309 howard street. take that meryl streep. she is so pushy and can be such a bitch after a couple vodka gimlets. oh shit.
i remember the first christmas after my mom died my dad got me one stinking present and it was a very ugly men's watch. i cried for days. more like months. i will never forget the christmas after JLC got married to FOMO and we had to dodge my grandma, betty the whole month of december because my dad could not tell her that he had married someone else with the dirt still fresh on my mother's grave. i think i got a colecovision that year. i heart donkey kong. i remember the christmas that i got chicken pox when i was in 8th grade and we had to cancel christmas because no one in the whole cleary family clan had it yet. i sat downstairs and my room and practiced my like a virgin dance moves. who knew i would be using them now on dancefloors up and down the east coast. AMAZING.
But when your a kid you think everything is a major production...a 2 hour afterschool special on ABC like that one where that kid has to live in that bubble. i understand that one. i heart living in the bubble i blew up with glitter, bananas and the help of mable jones' relaxer shampoo from jangleville. every christmas eve when i go back to jangleville, we see who can create the biggest bubble. reverend davis and his wife, carolyn won last year that is because they had the lord on their side and a fifth of crown royal. i just love going home for the holidays now. JLC carves the filet mignon for christmas brunch. the marble wet bar sink is overflowing with shrimp cocktail. FOMO and I don't share the good champagne with anyone else. CHEERS. I some how always end up with close to a thousand dollars in coin and gift cards. I guess christmas is a time to reflect on the past and say thanks to what we have today. I am so thankful I am not some homeless crack head living on the streets of buffalo with my cardboard condo...heating my can of pork n beans with my crack pipe lighter. actually, i am thankful i am not even near buffalo this time of year. So, as I prepare to put up my vintage pom pom silver christmas tree today and get ready for the christmas parade in the beautiful "mostly white" cape may, i feel like that ugly duckling who shed her dingy feather to be one of the fiercest swans in the pond. Actually, I am more like the nasty ol' hungry hawk that comes down and snaps that swans neck in two.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE. DON'T FORGET TO PISS ON EVERYBODYS PARADE.
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