FORBIDDEN FRUIT COCKTAIL

RED, WHITE, AND BLACK N BLUE.

2010-07-05T12:18:00.004-04:00

we survived another 4th of july weekend at camp. we played a mean game of potato wars and i always lose. dick decker was on my team and he was too busy washing his BLT down with a 40 of colt 45 his head was not in the game. that is what she said, dot and lucille won the three legged race...they won a 20 oz roadie of dewers. i was never was good at basketball or baseball. i am more of a "jacks" kind of girl or paper dolls. actually, i really was good at shrinky dinking. you know who is amazing at that too is tony. he took his whole apartment and shrunk it into one room in chowder hall. cue the music and the sound the alarms. 5:45am all the campers got a surprise wake up call last week.....is tony makin' smores again out of the trash can? he loves his chocolate and he loves it even more on a graham cracker. we had about 130 people show up for the BBQ. we fried a lot of chicken. by 8pm you could smell the burnt onions in the frying pans all the way at the tin house. turn on the fry daddy, girls. we watched the fireworks out on sewell street and they last 9 minutes which is a record cause last year they were 6.5 minutes...we should tear down the church on the washington mall and put up a macys so we can get some good fireworks in cape may. actually we should make that church into a nightclub like limelight in nyc....god likes the deep fried oreos in wildwood more than our busted fudge factory...the virgin mary really knows how to pack a mean fudge.....that is what joesph said. i have not had a real meal in days....eatting scrapes over the garbage can the past 7 days...jillene just came in with a hoagie from westside and i totally vinced her and took half of it....i felt like one of the flying rats that munches on the catfood in the backyard. gross. i have to get back to work. yes, i am working on a monday but worth it...katie and violet are coming to cape may tomorrow....thank god. i just want to let you all know that we have "suck my dick decker" t shirts back in stock in XXL. i have to turn into oprah today she has girls on who choose guys over their gays....i don't know if i know any girls like that? oh wait.......happy july 5th biotches.

pennies from heaven? nickels from hell?

2010-07-01T12:13:00.009-04:00

i had a dream last night that i was adam lambert all glampussed up and then i woke face down in my twin bed without any sheets...still working on making my bed. mary jo could you be a doll and kiki down to the tin bin and freshen up my room before 4th of july weekend. i heard vince, my "professional" dishwasher and coon trapper, talking outside the tin house. i then realize that he was talking to my aunt patsy, aunt pauline, and cousin susan. wait were we front row at ms. lambert's concert? i rolled over and saw my aunt patsy peepin' thru the screen door. crusty eyed and still in a north wildwood dollar beer fog...i was mac n cheesin' on poosy hard last night...i think when i grow a beard i turn into a dyke and start making out with my gf's and i am all about big boobs. what the eyeliner?...i think my aunt patsy said we just got back from church and she would email me? tony told me last night that there was an ant in the microwave and he nuked it with his tea. it did not die. so, we are goin' to have this nuclear ant roamin' around the chalfonte? vince better set the trap. how much do you get for trappin' a monster ant? vince gets 45.00 dollars for catchin' a coon on the hotel property and 20.00 dollars for catchin' opossums. so, it would safe to say that ant must be worth at least 10.00? i don't need no ant stopping by the tin house to play a quick game of crazy 8's. i have to get back to work we open in 2 hours and i have not done any cooking yet? oh boy. i just got a note that a local came to breakfast last monday and we had pork roll and no baccon...so now we have to put bacon back on the breakfast buffet everyday and fried fish on friday, saturday, and sunday......here we go again and kiss my cutting my food cost down this season. the state of my fucking life. is it october yet? suck my dick decker, girls.

WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN, BITCHALISM?

2010-06-30T17:56:00.006-04:00

i cannot even believe it has been so long since i had a post on this. WTF? my cans of forbidden fruit cocktail are all dented and rusty with a mild hint of botchalism. i could not even remember the website link i had to google myself. crazy gay guy? that is more screwed up than DC comics changing wonder woman's outfit.....black leggings? really? that is for lazy housewives or 12 year old girls still rockin' UGG boots. boring and very 4 hawt minutes ago. biker's jacket, too? what the dyke? is she goin' to a melissa e concert. shut it down. bring back that sporty bathsuit filled with supa powers. what have i been doin since i last post. Madrid. Paris. San Francisco. Lake Tahoe, thank you Mrs. Butson. San Francisco part two: the cilantro files. Florida. Flo rida actually is not a bad place to visit family and close friends, but other than that every road looks the same and crack head root beer barrel has a store inside of it? well, that is kind of cute cause it sells ol' school candies. JLC bought some chocolate covered nuts. i like my nuts dipped in kozy shack, by the way. I fell out of love with my so called future cape may husband and best friend and now realize I don't even want to spend the rest of my life in Cape May so why would I ever get involved with someone who lives here. Jersey Shore Boys? Let's keep that shit on MTV. I changed my relationship status more than I put glitter on things. Single. Engaged. Single. Engaged. Single. Married. Widowed. My mother always said I looked amazing in black chanel dresses.
A dishwasher, a landscaper, and a taco truck prep cook all walk into a bar and...........

THE SHIT SHOW COMING 9/21/09.

2009-09-16T14:35:00.004-04:00

i have been working with a new director and a new producer. we had some lettuce issues with some of the main characters. so, some were let go and some new faces are coming. the locations have been scouted and the season premiere will be a mind flowin' cluster fuck. a roller coaster ride. a train wreck with some deadly results. sex, drugs, and mise en place baby. i am BAD ASS and i am bi sexual. well, i think there might be a fag or two. dykes not so much on the set. i don't know the stories will unfold. very top secret. very top shelf. so make yourself a french martini and get ready for THE SHIT SHOW.

SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY

2009-02-28T16:28:00.004-05:00

i am writing this blog from a secret location today because someone broke into my house and went thru my things last night while i was out with the girls. i cannot figure out what or if anything was taken? But, you can tell that they were looking for something. 1500 apple laptop still here. 350 watch still here. my 3 closets full of clothes in tact and that shit is priceless. peeps in one piece a bit shaken up. i brought him to george's today for pancakes and bacon he is doing much better. i begged and pleaded with christina to stay another night but she had unbreakable plans. i felt stupid calling the police. this is now 2 times in one week where i have felt very vulnerable. i feel like i am just waiting for the house of cards to fall with me in the middle. i was never good at 52 pick up and i am sure am one bitter queen of hearts. so, i have myself locked up at a friend's place while they are away and i have some one watching my place. i just hope i don't need a magenta weave to protect me from stray bullets in the parking lot of acme.

good speed.
be safe.
keep you enemies close.

SIGNS

2009-02-27T08:11:00.019-05:00

some might question where my dick is sometimes? i may sometimes push things to the limits. i watched the true hollywood story of janice dickinson and i felt like she was too much....is that callin' the supermodel whack? i mean sure back in my hay day runway days i did a lot of blow and booze. we did a lot of pill swappin' too. yeah know, i will trade you a malibu barbie for a strawberrry shortcake. did not really matter what they were it was more about....i hope i don't end up on the cover of the ny post or in bed with some random Z-lister. But, that all changed when i bought this fiber optic lady of guadalupe portrait from an old vegas show girl in berlin, new jersey. actually, i got it from a parking lot flea market. i so am going to get nailed by oprah when i go on to discuss my memoir. she is going to bitch slap me for over embellishin'. yeah know what oprah, everything looks better dipped in glitter...just like you look better in those big ol' diamond earrings...then "WE" both would forgot about how you hit 200 pounds again...shhhhhh, i won't tell anyone.... then you can make up some half ass online self help class and have your robot dr. wizard of oz tell everyone that it is as easy as 123. another 100 million in the bank, girl. $$$. then you and gail cane move to belize and live in the rainforest and come out of the damn closet.....i am jumping ahead. you first have to win and oscar and be vice president of the USA. Ok, back to the lady of guap. one night in the late 2000's. wtf? that does not sound as good as the late 80's....anyway, i saw a tear go down her cheek and i knew that she was crying out to me to get my life in order to stop dating unavailable assholes and to be a strong black woman. we don't got to be factory workers or lunch ladies....wait a fucking minute? i am thinking of that movie called Norma Linda Jackson where sally field went all black face and won an oscar. she really played ghetto to the "G" FYI: single ladies by beyonce. ABOUT LITTLE OL' ME. so, after that holy night, i vowed to go back to school and be single till Mr. Right came along and not settle for Mr. Right Now Will Do Because I Am Drunk As Hell. that would Mr. RNWDBIAD. was he in slumdog millionaire? i wanna sell slumdog hot dogs at the chalfonte hotel in a cart on the front porch and get one of those little indian kids to come sell them. we can put him on milk cart so he can reach the sauerkraut and relish. plus, we have better housing here than over there? to be honest, i don't really know where there is? i live at exit zero in nj we don't get indie movies here. HELLO NETFLIX, PEOPLE. I was going to pick up the mail for the hotel yesterday and on franklin street right next to my favorite family's house...shout out to the posse. i won't use their real last name because mama doesn't think this blog is for her eyes. it ain't everyone's cup of tea that is fuck sure. what? is pauly shore still alive? i have to go to the bathroom a lot this morning. WTF? i ate candy for the first time in weeks and i think my insides are telling me your not going to have a size 29 waist before june 1st eatting butterscotch krumpets, the raisin nette dancers, and a wawa iced coffee....really? really. i have a house guest. back the fuck up. back to my walk to the post. in a sea of washed out colors, i saw one beautiful bright yellow croctus smilin' at me. I SAID OH SHIT WINTER IS OVA. PAYCE. BRING ON MOTHA FUCKIN' SPRING, YO. HELLS TO THE YES, BOBBY B. that is my whitney houston. you should see me in my one man show this summer in the henry sawyer room it is called loose ends. it will be in the newsletter coming out march. i am doing the newsletter for the chalfonte this year. very glossy. lots of candid pics. lots of behind the scenes of the new renovations. the debut of my new column. this lip gloss is poppin', yo. i think everything happens for a reason and i think god or the virgin mary give us signs to lead us down the higher road in life...on the oh shit flip cup, last week the sign for the chalfonte hotel fell off the hotel in a wind storm after 130 years...what the hell does that mean? i don't know i have an email in to god asking what is in store for club chalfonte this summer and is the shit show gonna get picked up by NBC for another season.
in the name of the father.
in the name of the holy ghost.
in the name of fame...i wanna live forever....i wanna learn how to fly........
by the gay, i think i am totally getting ESPN and i am starting to see the future. weirds. RICE?

HIT N RUN

2009-02-26T16:13:00.009-05:00

it has been 14 days since i last blogged. i feel like a teenage mom who gave birth at a bus stop on rt 47 and then threw my baby boy in a dumpster behind the burger king in rio grande. so many mixed emotions clouding me head. trying to rise above the sand and fog to make the right decision. i just did not think i could face everyone in cape may with a baby. the stares. the gossip. and don't get me started on what my local priest would think of me. oh shit. i fell in love with a local bartender who used to feed me free drinks and whispered sweet NOTHINGS in my ear about how i was like a best friend who he wanted to take the middle of the road with. OF COURSE, I LET HIM FUCK ME AND GET ME KNOCKED UP. my aunt marge always said, marry someone with less class than you. you will always will be prettier in the light. WTF? isn't that what botex and lifts are for? your suppose to marry someone who has a great relationship with their family, an amazing job and have enough lettuce to support your shoe fetish...shout out to fergie. HOLLA. if anything the only thing you should compromise on is their looks. it makes a lot of fucking sense if they are a tad on the ugly side.....then when that spotlight is burnin' a hole thru you....you will look like a fucking supermodel. will the real giselle stand UP?
so, this beyatch is back. i got a new 3G iphone glued to my side. i now own my personal gym. WTF? ya know what the clock is ticking..and this fag ain't gonna wake up one day 45 and wearing a XXL. jcrew don't come in that size. please, the only thing i am sleeping with these days is my dannon light n fit yogurt before 9pm. There is only 80 calories in it and I don't wake up feeling guilty about why the fuck i am sleeping over somebody's house that i am not having sex with or in a relationship with? angry? bitter? jaded? not really, just the simple true. i signed up to run the susan g komen race for the cure again in may. i have signed up to volunteer in NOLA to cook for 6 days. So, i guess I have been busy....but i should never be to busy to take a little time out of my day to blog. we all need our sugar. do they make sugar free gummy bears? i don't like sugar free jello it is has this foreign aftertaste....and not the turkish delight i love so much. you think you might give it a go then it slides down your throat and you ain't seein' it. kind of like when you get caught up in the moment and you let your older brother cum in your mouth. THAT IS NOT GOOD FOR BUSINESS. you are going to get shut down and the FOR RENT sign will be going up, ASAP. i was running today in cape may and i had this weird feeling that my ex boyfriend-best friend was going to pick me off with his jeep and i saw myself lying on the side of the road in a pool of blood in the dead of winter waiting for somebody to find me on the barren streets of cape may...then i snapped out of it and i laughed to myself. oh chris, he would never run you over with his car. why? because it is new and he would never want to dent it. he would rather just try to strangle you and throw your face into the counter in a room full of friends. sometimes you pick a candy out of the box and you bite into an awful orange creme filled chocolate. that is when you spit it out and wash your mouth out with kettle one. and say NEXT. i find it so much easier to fuck the ones with no class and never know their first names or cell numbers then try to do charity work. can you imagine me bringing that one home to JLC and me telling him he is like tom cruise in the movie, cocktail. really? really. let's leave the pity party to the poor people waiting on line for section 8 cheese and government bread. i do love a nice hearty soup in winter though. a nice minestrone. i should open a soup kitchen. screw that then i really would not have time to blog. i must go i have 10 more orders to fill before federal express comes picks up my battered wife gift baskets. sometimes you you have to turn lemonade into lemon souffle...and sometimes the only solution that makes sense is to run the mother fucker over with your jeep.
i am only getting my feet wet here children.
suck on this hard candy for awhile.
i will see ya tomorrow.
i never knew they made sour patch fags.
sometimes sweet and always bitter.
PAYCE BITCHES.
THIS TIME AROUND THERE WILL BE NO SURVIVORS.

CLEAN UP IN AISLE TWO

2009-02-12T13:13:00.007-05:00

.

every since getting back from my "holiday" wink. wink. things have been kind of off and on. i feel like i have been on a ferris wheel that the axle rod...a rod? needles? what? is about to pop and the whole thing is going to holy rollin' down the boardwalk into the streets of wildwood. i love cotton candy and caramel corn. nothing is worse than losin' a limb on the boardwalk...actually, maybe getting an STD from the mexican dishwasher, gil that you ride the 552 with each morning. it is hard to have fucking willpower when his mom makes the most bangin' empanadas. oh shit. i can smell the ground beef and sazon in his hair...hmmm papi....well, i turned 37 about a week ago...on the heels of being released from rehab...when the cape may county police found me with my d&g jeans around my ankles in a pool of diet red bull and vodka on the washington mall behind the ugly mug... it was time for me to be shipped off to promises in malibu in cali by JLC ..i spent almost a month sorting thru my demons with jcrew, lacoste, kettle one, and a man that i would like to settle down with and have 14 babies with... wash his shit stained fruit of the looms and every night have a rump roast ready every night at 6 when he rolls in from the train hot off the streets of madison avenue..the last part is a bit of a stretch...more like the shell station around the corner where he pumps gas. i also came face to face or is place to place? or is race in space? or fuck is it rice n beans..i still am comin' off the methadone...sorry for the sand and fog... i grew up poor and i was born not with a silver spoon in my mouth but more like a spork from wendys eattin' only off the dollar menu...there is just so much chili and bake potatoes one girl can eat before she ends up being called miss piggy or worse....hey are you in the macys thanksgiving day parade or are you a statistic?...a teenage pregnant girl....i thought it was a great idea when this black boy, big nig from camden asked me to get off in millville and smoke some crank....i did not know i would wake up 7 days later wandering around the dollar general with a bottle of outdated miracle whip and no frills shampoo in my hands with my iphone battery dead on arrival...really, i just want to go back to my old job pushing shopping carts at the north cape may acme..really? really, i want to try to go back into beauty school in the spring. i always dreamed of doing updos for weddings and bringing in my famous jello mold during the holidays for all the other beyatches...and standing around mr. coffee talking about how we pray the loans come thru for the new double wides....BUT, i don't wanna be that kind of girl...who says...why me? what if? why did you fuck my man, ma? i should be thankful for my beautiful blue eyes and i am glad my dad only beat with his belt and didn't come sneakin' in the back door for a bit of milk in the middle of the night. so, i am 4 days clean and sober....the clown make up is fading and the bearded lady is whistling womanizer....i hope that my valentine brings me a bottle of britney's perfume, believe on saturday...and i hope i don't have a repeat of last year when i woke up on a fishing boat off the coast of wildwood with two dirty scallop fisherman and a woman named jo. actually, once i was so high on redi whipped cream gases, i played a game of crazy 8's with my mr. coffee. caffeine free craisins and bananas in the raw.
DON'T JUDGE ME.
DON'T HATE ON ME.
I AM NOT PLAYA HATA.
I AM JUST A POOR JERSEY GIRL.

take that bon jovi and turn that into a summer classic.

EARLY RELEASE

2009-02-06T20:27:00.004-05:00

i just got my doctors ok to be released from rehab on sunday. so, i will be back in business. up and running with a 6 inch hoagie in one hand and a gallon of glitter in tote. i have had time to reflect on the past 36 years of my life and the murky pond scum is cleared and this swan is ready to snap the necks off all those little geese in the kiddie pool. sorry for the delay. i hope to have the shelves fully stocked with forbidden fruit cocktail by monday. recession or not. there will be no mark downs and nothing will be for sale. except my bitch ass.
P.S. i am in love with the queen of the supermarket.
a special thanks to mickey rourke for writing me every day i was in rehab. the monkey is off my back and i am having it turned into a fierce handbag. you can never have to many things drippin' off your limp wrists.
THE BITCH IS REBORN.
I SPIT THE NAILS OUT AND MY THORNY CROWN IS NOW A DOG COLLAR.
SEE YA AT SUNRISE.

B is for BREAK IT DOWN

2009-01-21T09:47:00.002-05:00

i am taking a break from this for a bit. i will be back soon don't worry. i am basking in the afterglow of the inauguration. plus, i am mapping out the rest of my winter vacations. i got one coming up, two just planned, and a big splash in april that involves my native peeps and a passport.

SHAMROCK SNAPS.

O is for OH SHIT

2009-01-20T20:30:00.000-05:00

OBAMA.

S.O.S

2009-01-19T15:09:00.007-05:00

the boat hit an iceberg called the diva lounge and let me tell you there are some choppy waves of drama crashing down on our deck. juicy aka kate and i have our tory birch lifevests on and i think we are going overboard. oh shit goldie hawn in FX. actually, we have to clean up after the xmas tree then we are abanadonin' this shit. i almost had a panic attack and blacked out in a mexican taco joint. tinga. tinga mucho pinga.

diet drama with lemon, please

anti freeze geese aging cream by ralph lauren

2009-01-16T10:25:00.005-05:00

i was up all night with the kids crying about the flock of geese getting turned into perdue ticker tape more like ground chicken confetti chili. i love sour cream and cheese on my chili. don't forget the scallions too. i heart mexicans and how they skillfully infusion beans, cheese, and minimum wage manual labor. i am working with a company out of philadelphia about opening a sandals resort style and/or club med style resort on the usa/mexico border. very third world feel. very boozey. lots of 600 thread count sheets and a lot more cruisin'. very glory hole in one. sex and the city meets taco bell? hmmmm, back to the drawing board and i have pinata making 101 at 1:30 pm at north cape may county college for the vocational work force of greater new jersey. try saying that with a mouthful of kashi, a cup of green tea in your hand, and a multi vitamin and a 1200 mg fish oil pill. i am so re fried fat camped out.
i am praying when we fly to san fran at the end of the month that there is a not peeps backlash and the airlines don't start racial profiling. i just keep thinkin' of that crazy sneaker bomber and how now everyone has to take off their shoes before they go thru security. are peeps going to have to fly with the cargo? are sales of peeps going to go down come this easter? are people going to think that every peep wants to fly into the engine of the plane and take it down into the nearest river. hopefully, there will be a miracle on howard street and some other group of animals will do something stupid to mankind to take the spotlight off peeps. maybe an alligator will shred a kid to pieces at disney world or maybe a tiger will hop the fence at the san diego zoo and take out a whole family of tourist from china. it is about 15 degrees here today in cape may, i am going to take the kids over to the local church and light a couple candles to pray for that fallen flock of geese and have faith that america will see peeps as the cuddley loving marshmallow filled confections we all grew up falling in love with. actually, what would be perfect is if a gang of pez held up a office building or connivance store and there was a hostage situation...that would bump the geese straight to the back page of the ny post.
p.s. there is a rumor going around those geese where canadian...that would explain A LOT!!!

a star is born

2009-01-15T11:42:00.007-05:00

it is 11:47am and i still in my pj's. i have no energy to anything and actually i really don't have to do or go anywhere today if i don't want. how many people can say that? take that, dr. phil. WTF? i guess i had talk show turrets just then. a very rare disease for unemployed gay guys. brutal. i am only unemployed till april. easter bonnet snaps. i love jelly beans. actually, i don't like hollow bunnies. that is like candy for the poor and i also don't like white chocolate bunnies, eggs, or crosses. i do like when they pipe jesus christ on the cross with royal icing. sometimes the fudge packin' factory on the washington mall uses pretzel nuggets as the nails and real rose thorns for the crown. steve and dan own that shop. steve is a dirty top into pig play and water sports. dan is a big ol' bottom who is into preschool roleplay and his knickname on the lower cape may rainbow flags are people too bowling league is the lincoln tunnel. girlfriend, if she collected a toll for every car that went thru there, she would be richer than howard hughes. oh shit. i watched the aviator via netflix. cute. long. cate blanchett was fierce. cut. edit. print.
i moved my office up to room one in 309. some will understand that and some will be WTF in fiesta font. if i were a font i would have to say right now i would be escalido streak. that is just how i am rollin' up to this shit today. www.fonts.com so, i bought this shampoo this week and it called drama clean. so, i got all up in my grey gardens that is what i call my claw talon tub, p.s.
i lathered. i rinsed. i repeated that powerwash. i got fresh with my facial scrub. anyway, i think there is some leave extract in it. i started trippin' my face off and my rubber duckie grew horns and was chantin' some voddoo cult shit in hebrew. i totally jumped back and hit my head against the window pane and for a minute i thought i was going overboard the railing of a carnival cruise ship with my vodka gimlet in one hand and my kathie lee fruit basket in da other. well, i pulled my shit together and i was totally doin' a jett t. and i am not liscensed to teach that dance in n.j. we don't allow that dance in jangleville at all. but, mable jones sometimes has house parties in the summer under her cyprus tree and we drink moonshine, pop roofie dolls, and do the jett t till the rooster sing up the sun. back to the poo, so i washed my hair with drama clean and i went over to the brown room last night. i thought it was suppose to shield me from drama. i am going to keep this on the sweet n low for ya'll so i don't offend anyone. this is blog is suppose to be helpful and educational. so, i am going to give a tip. if you think that layering makeup on your face like wet cement is going make your eyes pop and your lipsticks don't always need to match your sweaters. pins are statement pieces. i know a lot of clowns that live for brick red blush. i fill the cracks in my walls with spackle not maybelline casper concealer. i should be working at the chanel counter at macys. i need to dial up my katie in montclair. see if she wants to do tea and crumps at diva lounge with ms. b brown. liquid eyeliner snaps. where are those cute greyhounds, daddy? the bottom line is you should not throw cheap makeup in glass houses and leave caddy to you husband. OH BY THE WAY HE IS GAY and i never knew people could be hollow like a marked down white chocolate bunny crying on the sale rack at CVS. i guess i feel like an asshole for believing that my shampoo would fend off drama. i gotta go now i am having a can of fruit cocktail for lunch. i was told the heavy syrup is made with kettle one. i hope i don't too boozey and pass out before general hospital.
oh by the way way gay, casper was a friendly ghost. BOO.

GUNS N WILD ORCHIDS

2009-01-14T10:47:00.003-05:00

someone 'roof" ed my champ at the golden globes. i don't know if it was the boss or beauty and the beast aka mickey mouse rourke. he never forgot that i stole the show in wild orchid back in late 80's or was it 90's. i don't know but i woke up in drew barrymore's pool on a raft shaped like a watermelon on tuesday. yes, i missed 24 hours and superstars of dance. WTF. my left foot was in the pool the whole time so it looks like box of raisinettes. NOT CUTE. i think i may lose a toe nail or not. i have doogie comin' over to look at my talons in a bit. i was so upset that i made up for last night by having an extra helping of ina's apple pear crisp. i think jeffery tainted the fresh nutmeg with drano. i have been backed up since and i feel like i am dodging a wrecking ball every time i move my head. i don't care what anyone says some twat and i when i say that i mean a gentle pussy. i should be more clear. anyway, some bitch put down their nuvaring on my coffee table and left a ring on my imported oak table from malawi. it was gift from madge when she step n fetched david from a banana tree there. it was hard to get him to let go. kids from their have italian sausage fingers their. so forgive me if i have not been able to get to my office to blog. i am at LAX right now and I flying into A.C. I have to go a steam carpet cleaner convention at harrah's and i may go to the casino just to chain smoke winstons and put back a 12 pack of coors lights. CANS NOT BOTTLES. I am going to clearwater for the superbowl and I am staying at the kegs n eggs guesthouse. it is 340 a night with a keg in every room and an egg any style buffet with a fountain of ketchup and a toaster that shoots whole wheat 40 feet in the air. amazing race.
do you know how many licks to get to the center of toostie roll pop?
P.S. it is pet friendly. hello, peeps.
GO HAWKS GO. or is it crows? wait, eagles? or beagles? all the same animal bird or fowl?

AWAY GAME

2009-01-11T14:46:00.003-05:00

i am attending the 27th annual beef n beer fest in jangleville, nj. i will be back on monday morning to tie on one with my blog. is it spring, yet?

THE DARK CANE

2009-01-09T13:19:00.009-05:00

th heating unit is back up on his feet and walking with a cane. you have to be really careful when you take those haunted ghost tours thru cape may that you look both ways when crossing the streets because locals here love to pick off tourists one by one with their bumpers..the townies sometimes are lost in the sauce all banged up driving home from the bars taking out gingerbread fences, generations of tulips, and ol' bettys with frosted tips and XXL cape may sweatshirts from the rodeo drive of the east, the washington mall. helen, there is a christmas shop that has the most beautiful balls. they are so big too. p.s. i know we are jews but i am getting a tree next year.
before i forget i totally am in love with rutabagas. so far, it is my veggie of 2009. plaid and complex, they are basically swedish fish but if they were a yellow turnip root veggie. huh? boil them. roast them. throw them in a stew. enough said. on to my important things. i was just reading that NJ is going to start using the silver alert. it is amber's brother and it is an alert that goes up when a senior citizen goes missing. WTF? so, say your grandfather jon takes the car to the walmart goes to buy some good n plenty on a rollback and then forgets he drove and ends up on the 552 to atlantic city then meets up with a puerto rican tranny hooker named guaya, then hits the seafood buffet at trumps then goes over to borgota to play slots...you can put out an alert. actually, it is kind of like batman...governor corzine goes on top of the talliest building in nj and shines a wheelchair sign in the sky..and then everyone knows some old crow flew the coop. i know people go bananas when there are amber alerts but i don't know if silver alerts make it to anderson cooper's desk. he is too busy on manhunt.net trying to book a vacation for the weekend. we don't really have a need for silver alert in cape may because we lock all the senior big daddy kanes in a prison called victorian towers. why you say? it frees up traffic on the streets, no long lines at the acme with them writing checks, and overall the people on the street you pass are prettier. helen, everyone down here are so beautiful...it must be the salt air. so, the next time your uncle ron who used to make you play dr. behind his shed goes out to rent the dark knight at blockbuster and does not come back. you can press "S" on your phone for a silver alert or you can pray that he wanders down to exit zero. we will take real good care of him and drop ya a postcard with the lighthouse on it.
diet drama sidebar: the dog that met me in the alley yesterday when i was on pumpkin patrol is the contractors dog. i was told by NG that her name is snickers. well, i almost stepped on one of her candy bars in the back alley today. my nikes are allergic to peanuts and nougut and they sure the hell ain't allowed at fat camp.

FIRE N ICE

2009-01-08T15:17:00.005-05:00

i have not blogged since sunday due to my return to cape may on monday to find out that 309's heating unit shit the bed. she was only ten but she looked about 20. lots of fine lines and wrinkles. so, i spent 2 nights in west cape may. root canal. good summary, cmc. now, i am on day two dancing to the space heater shuffle. no blue collar men in sight. it could be a lot worse. it could be 20 degrees not 40. it could be cloudy not sunny. it could be camden not cape may. i could be white trash not ghetto gay. i could be black not white. i meant grey is the new black. calm down everyone. i was going to have a 3 week fat camp in cape may before san fran but that is not going to happen. i got the icalendar up and i am picking outfits in my head. screw this icebox full of stale ice cubes and acme fiesta blend frozen veggies. gotta go back to work building igloos with a bunch of trout lovin' Eskimos. do you think penguins are gay? they always look so nice and they runway perfect. fish food for thought. time to go defrost my talons, have to catch something for dinner. oh, the icicles on top of the house today. a fucking dog came after me behind 309 while i was trying to look at a bunch of old pumpkins from halloween that the squirrels having been bowling for seeds with. he was big, brown, and barky. YUCK. i hid out in the screened in porch till he left. hermes and marc j should start making lots of handbags out of dogs. cause i am over them. especially the loud ones. i would like a pair of 6inch pumps made out of collie fur please. i think i am going to have hummus tonight with a side of PETA....oh shit..the earth ain't round and our nature isn't to be GREEN. thank god or madonna or obama that i am in good spirits are i would be one raging pot of stewed tomatoes boiling over on my holly hobby stove.
payce out, yo.

LE PETIT COCHON

2009-01-04T17:32:00.008-05:00

4 inches into 2009 and i had to squeeze into da wellies to wet vac the last three days up. mop n glo, next phase. i decided to erase my last 3 blogs due to the lack of effort and thought. all the glitter wore off. 10 days without a smoke and or a drink fucks with your head. MAJOR. mrs. jack daniels and the marlboro man are holding the strings and i am flopping around the cardboard stage forgetting my lines and my dance moves are weak. sorry, debbie allen. i will get it down before jan 20th. i promise. i also promise to use promise on my toast every morning. better health in 2009. CHECK.
rum cake. sour cream coffee cake. soft center chocolates. ruffle chips and dip. hummus and bagel chips. swiss colony chocolate covered toffee. chicken salad sandwiches. potato skins. do i need to go on? do you get my point? really?
could not be a better time to join the susan g komen race for the cure again. thank god. i officially start training for that on tuesday. future blog teaser.
JLC unveiled his latest vacation plans over sheppards pie, calves livers, and corned beef and cabbage at the harbor house in piermont, new york. fierce town a hopscotch, jump, and a skip from cousin's place in closter. JLC and FOMO are on the Q2 from NY to ENGLAND. 23 days at sea. has he not been watching the news about people paycin' over cruiseships???. JLC said those people get stoned and don't know how to use the railings on the ships, properly. of course, they don't. JLC MANUAL ON BOAT SAFETY IN THE WORKS. I told him I was going to San Fran for my birthday and he snapped back at me via email that during this uncertain financial times one should think twice about lavish trips. really? 3 nights or 23 nights? actually, what i spend in a year is what my dad spends in a month. SNAP. is the Q2 by marriott? can you use the special password? and the password is shoelace. oh shit, i meant shoe horn.
i had one of those "if only i had " moments today. i have a lot of them when it comes to things like if only i had not worn my lacoste gloves to the bar, my fingers would not be human ice pops. if i only i had not used my bed as my glitter station. i would not have woken up with an eye infection and my contact lens stuck to the inside of my eyelid. if i only i had not forgiven him back in spring...OOOOPS....that one has to remain in the hope chest under my bed and keep beating me with the key. over and over and over and over again. i love groundhogs day.
i was going over to my aunt riri's house around 11am. by the time i got my moneymaker up to go it was going on 11:30. my cousin gave me a shopping bag of odds n ends some red peppers 98 cents a pound on sale, yams, hot/cold pad. you get the point. then she throw some cocktail franks on a sheet tray and wrapped them in tin foil and said bring these over too....when the kids get out of church at 1, we can have those over at riri's. well, jp took the red car so i just decided to walk over. it is only one block away. so, i grabbed the grocery bag and had the weiners in the other hand. i was thinking to myself as i was walking that i needed the exercise and was having a jane fonda moment...more like richard simmons on dope. well, i was quickly thrown out of that banana bubble by these loud barks. i turned to the right and this huge ass great dane was coming toward me. i just stopped and came to terms that i was going to fucking get bit. i kept saying to myself i am going to get bit. bit. bit bit. bit. that mother fucker came for me and hit a patch of ice in the road and slide right past me. the owner screamed his name and the dog stopped. looked at me. looked at his owner in his yard. he screamed his name again.i cannot even tell you what his name? no clue. then the dog ran. i was almost a gamey gay chicken leg.....excuse me, jcrew makes these sweatpants not milkbones and these ain't no cocktail franks. these mother fucking baby dicks are pigs in a blanket. so, yo pass me the guldens yo and get back in your cage and chew on that pigs ear. don't make me get out my cell and ring up that dog whisper on your black ass...and shit child, i don't think covergirl makes teeth mark concealer for thighs. better call up tyra and ask her america's next tired ass model b list cover girl if walgreens is going to be carrying that shit in 2009.
p.s. time to pack up the lacoste. red. yellow. green. time to go. all aboard the 552. holla.

resolution 2: visit more of the usa. first stop, chicago.

oh by way, does the chalfonte hotel have ham hocks wrapped in puffy pastry served with a blood orange honey mustard sauce? note to terry. wedding menu brainstorm. the gays always thinkin'.

THE LIST

2008-12-30T22:50:00.005-05:00

dirty kettle one martinis straight up no olives. jack and cokes. car bombs. mary kates. and whatever rocky road i turn down i seem to have this medical condition where i lose my shit before i get home. i know that a lot of people donate coats this time of year and that there is a box to put old eyeglasses for oprans at the abortion clinic in rio grande and to come to think of it they collect unwanted cell phones at walmart for battered woman who have a bit of a nose candy problem and issues with their baby daddies. all the pregnant single ladies, put you crack pipes UP. so, as we go to apply a fresh coat of paint on god's casa and i think obama is going to be slapping some paint up on dat white house, too.
here is the list of things i donated this year to the less fortunate due to my hot mess misfortune ass. drum roll please.

1. green lands end down vest.
2. jcrew crew track coat
3. one green jcrew flip flop.
4. lacoste baseball hat.
5. navy blazer.
6. black lands end down vest
7. laccoste winter gloves.
8. jcrew scarf.
9. brown h&m hoody
10. jcrew hoody.
11. jack spade wallet. actually got the wallet back minus the 80. 00 dollars.

can you guess what one of my resolutions for 2009 is going to be? TRUST.

i am not going to get all tree sap on you and gush and mush over the new year blah blah. just keep it real. try to be true to yourself and remember if there is a bitch in the room be a bigger one. SNAP.

P.S. can i write these items off on my taxes.

33 CENT REWARD

2008-12-29T22:57:00.008-05:00

i do not know where the real christopher michael cleary is at this moment in time. i have got my glue gun out and pasted his profile pic from facebook on every milk carton in the bergen county area. actually, just the a&p in closter, nj. i accented his baby blues with robins egg extra fine martha stewart glitter. duh? i think he has stockholm syndrome from the large amounts of sugar and sodium from the extended stay on walnut street. i will find him. i will shave off his beard. i will make him eat kashi. i will fat free him. i will light and fit his ass. shave it too? i will steam his veggies. i will make him burn his tent and join fat camp again. you better get his chubby girl sleeping bag. cmc will rise from the ashes and be reborn again. as a bunch of bananas?
wait, i think i see jesus christ in my grilled cheese. oh shit, that is just a bread n butter pickle.
oops, my bad mary.

WTF IS A PFD?

2008-12-29T22:11:00.018-05:00

whisk on high for 30 seconds till stiff peaks form. kathie lee gifford dripping in a sequined anchor summer tank dress on a beautiful ship telling me all the fierce things carnival cruise line has to offer. i would imagine myself in my gloria vanderbilt bikini soaking up the sun while sipping on 5 or 6 alabama slammers in a coconut shell with an orchard holding my strawberry blonde locks in a french twist... a dozen tom sellecks splashing in the duck pond nearby. kikin' my way to the captain's table with a plate full of alsakan king crab legs, shrimp, and a twice baked potato dripping with sour cream and chives...then making my way to the disco tech where i would dance the night away in my violet halston wrap around dress. actually, i think i am mixing up a cup of saturday night fever with a cup of the love boat with two eggs and 1/4 cup of fantasy island and splash of pure vanila extract. demi more like a pitcher of strawberry pina coladas and a sheet of acid. TELL ME MORE KATHIE. will i meet the man of my dreams when we dock port in aruba? well, we all know to skip that island. local boys gone wild coming to netflix soon. in the early 90's i got my talons on a beta copy of the classic oscar award winning movie called overboard staring the brilliant goldie hawn. love her of course. her daughter, kate. she is like a tepid cup of tea with a soggy biscuit on the side. sounds like a good idea but not so much . then the waters got real choppy and i felt like jaws ripped my right arm off...HEY WAIT HOW AM I GOING TO BE ABLE TO DO JAZZ HANDS? edit scene. so it is more like mr. moby dick took a big ol' shit in my mouth. charmin 2-ply diamond weave is amazing and there is a coupon in better homes and gardens this month and it is on sale at the CVS. my ol' jewish gram mama called it shmatta. christopher, be a doll pick me up a roll of shmatta and don't forget to let your uncle taste your matzo balls on the way out. let's just say uncle jerry always came back for seconds and spit shine his bowl every time.
fast forward the 8 track to the here and now. there is an official cardinal rule in jangleville. we don't do cruises. don't get on a boat with your LV steamer trunks and set sail off to some fucked up third world country where natives are trying to sell you necklaces made out of broken shells on shoestrings. why? if kathie lee loves them why don't the residents of jangleville? one word: booze. our shit needs to be on solid ground and our talons need to be sunk firmly in our nests. we need to be bumpin' off parked cars on the way home from a night of 5 or 6 martinis and waking up on planet earth in a puddle of lettuce, glitter, and popcorn. NOT OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GULF OF MEXICO. HELLS TO THE NO. why do you keep asking why? we don't need to be "that girl" the one that is on the survillance camera all banged up up stoli playing bumper cars with the chaise lounge chairs then flipping over the railing of the ship on christmas night in her white nightgown. attention cruise members, we have a drunk vulcan whore overboard. please feel to visit our chocolate fantasy buffet at midnight and the disco will be open for an extra hour due to day lights savings time. actually, if your lucky you will be the "other girl" the one with a russian roofie in her cocktail and ends up pulling a britney spears and waking up face down in the berber only to find the new hubby did a triple inward pike dive off the balcony with his cuban cigar in his mouth. the german judge gives him a 9.8 and they call that dive back home the fidal castro flying banana saucer.
i will hold on for dear life to my childhood memories of kathie lee kickin her heels up on the leader deck? triple decker club sandwich? huh? and to the good ol' days when i used to put on my mom's blonde wig and roleplay that i was Julie McCoy and my next store neighbor's dad would be captain stubing....he would always want me to mop up the deck...and i would say where the hell is issac washington? shouldn't he be a janitor not a bartender? c'mon ain't 2009 obama ain't da white house yet.
all i know is that unless my winter 2009 jcrew catalog comes tomorrow and they start sewing personal floatation devices into there cruise line. i aint won't be sailing to ibiza on atlantis with a couple thousand gym bunnies and circuit kweens this february for my 40th. I am going to stick to laying in my cast iron tub sippin off my box of wine nestled on top of my toliet..love, exciting and new....come aboard, we are expecting you...oh fuck i dropped my iphone.
p.s. we don't need to be married to "that guy" either. the one that takes a paper bag of quarters to the slot machines a couple hours after he realizes you payced into the pacific to try and turn his luck around. that what a fried chicken foot is for, kids.

10 STIGWOOD AVENUE

2008-12-28T21:28:00.012-05:00

1992 was a rollercoaster ride for me...white knucklin' the safety bars going up the rickety wooden tracks. clickety clack. clickety clack. my car about to reach the top and drop 500 ft into the bermuda pink triangle. my cuz, john paul calls wooden rollercoasters "woodies" he is an avid six flags frequent rider and he has a map of the usa over his bunk beds and he thumbtacks all the amusement parks he has been too. he spends all winter collecting scrap metal from run down cars and camps out at the local junk yards for pipes, wires, and ol' tools...then spends the summers zig zaggin it thru the redwood forests in search of the ultimate coast. once, we were driving down rt 47 in his pickup and he saw a fridge on the side of the road. brakes locking. rubber burning. smacking my face into the dashboard so hard i chip my front tooth. my good diamond encrusted brass tooth. the amazing part he clocked it with his glass eye. actually, the world's oldest roller coaster in the world is in lakemont park in altoona, pa. I can see Leap The Dips rollercoaster from my house. ride that one to space mountain, sarah palin.
what year was it? oh yeah, 1992. NBC was wrapping up its last season of my bbf, the cosby show. i loved mr. hux's colorful sweaters. lisa bonet later went on to marry lenny kravitz. HELLO? enough said. it put a little bit of hope and sparkle into my baby blues and i thought i am going to move up from cart boy and i am going to be the asst. manager of the deli counter of the north cape may acme one day..and own a double wide trailer and find me a big ol' dark and handsome italian stallion to live happily ever after. SHREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETCH. sorry, i was daydreaming and starting weaving over the double yellow line and the 552 was comin' down the way from A/C. pull over by those bushes, i gotta drop the cosbys off at da pool. the summer of 1992 was magical. i started sleeping with my best friend's older brother. nothing beats the ice cream truck more than meeting on hot summer night on the back roads of pequannock, nj. bjs from BJ in the front seat of his shiny black jeep wrangler. off roadin' in the burbs. fuck those long lines at six flags. i built my own woodie and it was not out of leggos, jeffery. can i get a what? what? give a shout out to all my single lady giraffes all up in my toys r us parkin' lot. put your hooves up..... tail gatin' with barbie, ken, and the posse sizzlin' up burgers over the easy bake and doin' keg stands with those bad ass cabbage patch kids.
GO EAGLES GO.
i got double penetration in the summer of 92 when god created MELROSE PLACE. hello, a magical apartment complex built around beautiful people and an in ground pool. and the emmy goes to jesus christ. I feel like I am living in a modern real life version of the cosbys live on melrose place. HOWEVER, the skillet sistas ain't no doctors. they sure as hell go see a lot of them. i am sure they graduated from the 4 grade back in 1920. yeah, right. ABC 123. do they give out honorary degrees for being bitter old nasty bitches? All the beautiful people don't hang out in front of a pool filled with sparkling crystal clear 85 degree water..... they hang out in a fire rat trap called chowder. where you could catch herpes, a cheap vodka buzz, and head lice all in one trip. actually, i am throwing the word beautiful around very loosely. tony usually is in the back alley of the chalfonte smoking a true cigarette beating down the staff with "the ugly stick"
let's form a single line and believe me you all will get your turn. staff dinner is at 4:45 and first rule of thumb is MAKE SURE to wash your hands and dick after a night in CHOWDA. i must be going i have to plug in 10 stigwood avenue into my GPS. i am going to celebrate the last day of Kwanzaa with the huxtibles. we are going to skin a goat in the back of their brownstone and i pray to god that lucille is bringing those world famous rolls. i am sure dot and her children will come empty handed again.
SOMETHINGS NEVER CHANGE.

SPEED MY PLOW, TOM?

2008-12-27T21:07:00.001-05:00

just spent the last two hours weeding my way thru over 90 channels with my aunt riri trying to find something half way decent on tv. NBC was replaying the Beijing opening ceremony. WTF? who wants to see that shit over again. oh my god, i was so busy camping in ohio i missed the Chinese ballet interpreting a tsunami while leona lewis sings bleeding love. i need that as much i need a extra egg roll on my poo poo platter. oh shit. super size that side of white rice, Soon Yee.
There were fucking two sandra bullock movies on. two fucking bad ones. i am trying to remember if she was in any good movies? who or what made her famous.? PAUSE. i am going to google her ass and see what she was good in because right now i have no clue. i think it was speed. actually, this movie called the lake house is on with mr. reeves in it too. some crazy ass shit where they talk to each other thru letters that time travel thru this mailbox at the lake house? OMG. now i get the title. well, it is total crap. i am going to write a movie where i time travel thru my iphone to tomorrow and make a loaf of banana bread. then, when i wake up i can have banana bread ready for when i have my morning coffee...NOW IF THAT IS NOT A SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER..i don't know what is? take that dark knight. i want the next batman installment to have a villian that throws deadly banana peels at batman and they are like boomarangs too. interesting? who should play that character? feedback, please. i then got to the pay per view channels and their is a 30 minute movie called anal crazed. really? oh aunt riri let's watch this soft gay porn to kill the time. we are trying out weekend aides for my aunt. so, i called doris in from kenya and she said she likes anal crazed. but she is buck wild over anal beads on speed starring sandy bullock. i handed off the remote to my aunt at 9pm and i fled back to walnut street.
i am watching ron popeil on dvd explaining all the amazing uses of the 5-tray electric food dehydrator i got for xmas from my brother, greg. you just put the banana slices on one of the trays or up to 5. or you can mix/match fruit cocktail or meats actually, i would leave room for a tray of glitter. then you just "SET IT AND FORGET IT" Ronnie is fricking genius. i am going to be up so late tonight because next on my list is to watch the pocket fisherman dvd. I am going to visit my cousins in tennesse and we always have to catch our dinner. i know it sounds so backwoods and you feel like you should be riding down the river with huckleberry Finn. i try to go along with it and roll up a pair of d&g jeans and wear a vintage patchwork flannel from jcrew. i draw the line when it comes to suckin on a piece of wheat and fucking my cousin, melissa. however, i am flexible and i could give my cousin, doug a quick blowjob behind the mulberry bush before we portion out the trout to 6oz filets. So, if you were wondering what I was doing this new year's eve, you now know. i am playing the part of tom sawyer at cape may stage and i will be sippin on moonshine and playin madonna on my washboard at the after party in the villas.

TICK TOCK TICK TOCK. I ONLY GOT 4 MINUTES TO CATCH AN STD.

MS. SPEARS I THINK WE HAVE A PROBLEM

2008-12-26T22:56:00.000-05:00

i am having a britney moment. i shaved my head. i am driving around with one of bbf's at 1am in jersey looking for starbucks. i am bustin' windows and pimpin' the ho's and creepin' the peeps.
actually, i am just tired and had a long day on the orient express to woodbury commons and my sugar coma was serious today.
more to follow.
tick tock to 2009.
resolutions are growing, like a dog in heat.
yeah, boyz.

CHRISTMAS FRUIT CAKE

2008-12-25T23:37:00.000-05:00

every year my uncle jerome brings a watermelon from west virginia up for christmas. we cut open glad trash bags up and line the living room floor. mama hangs the watermelon from some ol' fishing line and we get a broom stick out. we take turns breakin up that big ol' piece of juicy fruit. once it breaks open and smashes into bits and pieces on da floor. everyone races to collect as many watermelon seeds as possible. whoever has the most seeds is going to have good luck in the coming year and good health. actually, my great aunt lucille thompson told me it means the youngest child is going to get knocked up and the oldest is going to die poor without a man. there is 10 minutes left to christmas and i have sticky hands from the watermelon. i was the winner today with 34 watermelon seeds, i guess i am going to wake up january 1 2009 collecting unemployment and no dick in my bed. oh wait, that already came true. happy birthday jesus. i will remember to get you an ice cream cake next year.

CHRISTMAS EVE OR ADAM AND STEVE

2008-12-24T14:23:00.000-05:00

nothing says christmas like blissmas in the lovely town of maplewood. ms. k and mr. m throw a hell of a party. like to give a shout out to everyone that was wearing pearls last night. P.S. that was half the joint. christmas cords were in effect. santa's little helper was licking scraps of food of the floor. the rugs kept getting fucked up. that is a sign of a great sioree. the food was ol' school traditional hearty tasty food. no fucking cheese ball dyed the color of port wine and yellow dye #3. fierce crab cakes. a dip that i thought had lemon in it. actually that was my kettle and soda that had 5 lemons in it. MY MARTINI HAS 9 OLIVES IN IT. the only good thing about fruit in your cocktail is it tracks how many drinks you have. other than that, it is bad news and the only thing worse is when you wake up in the alley of the washington mall with your pants around your ankles. NOW THAT IS BAD ICE. don't mistake that with black ice. that is dot burton's son, who is a trannie drag queen coke whore "working" up in atlantic city. atlantic city is such a beautiful place. yeah, if your fucking high on crack whistling dixie thru your one chipped tooth.
SUGAR SNAP PEAS.
back to kissmissbliss. we took family photos in front of the tree. genie always cries tears of joy that she has a father that doesn't work in the dept of sanitation swingin off the back of a truck slinging other's people's recyclables. yeah, i am trying to be green this year. screw that shit. screw that whole foods organic food, eggs, milk, dish soap, toxic free bullshit. bring me a box of radon covered bananas and serve them to me on a Styrofoam plate and wash it with hot water. leave the water on. then throw the plate out of your car window while your driving your diesel VW to HOME DEPOT. support big business. i am leaving out the best part of the event they had ol' school smithfield style country ham. the one that is a salt lick. a baby fetus from a dodgey farmer's daughter abortion. banana nut crunch, beyatches. everyone was humpin the shit out of it. i just have to watch dot soak that shit all summer so we don't get along. we sit at different lunch tables and never play jacks together on the playground. i wear lacoste. she wears sears.
i have been out to eat 3 times today and is only 2pm. i heart jlc. he ironed my pillowcases and followed my socks and hung up my white t shirt to dry. he is waiting me on to get the ruler out to measure the table cloth to make sure it is the same length on the dining room table. sounds like my kind of xmas. he always told me he sent out 125 xmas cards in usa. 75 international. he has been getting zillions of cards, packages, and emails from priests in ireland. don't ya love that. he is upstairs peeling 4 pounds of fresh jumbo shrimp for the raw bar at cleary xmas.
i have to end this now because i have this tradition where i go down to the homeless shelter, the one where all those people live who have lost their houses and $$$ due to fire, water, or crack. i want to help out and reach out my hand to them during this time of year. i just reach out my hand to throw my cigarette out and i drive right by to hit starbucks drive-thru. maybe next year i won't litter and help somebody less fortune out. in the meantime, where is a mirror to check my lipgloss? never know who ya gonna run into in your hometown at the holidays.
p.s.s.s MOTHER NATURE GET OUT YOUR DARK GREEN CRAYON EARTH IS LOOKING A LITTLE SHABBY CHIC AND I HATE THAT LOOK.

PARDON ME?

2008-12-23T14:04:00.001-05:00

i only really had to get 6 small gifts for my nephews and nieces. minus one in the navy. cannot send gifts from target or hollister to boot camp. actually, there should be a target on every military base so while their are training how to shoot anything that moves overseas they take that built up angst out by buying some archer farm crackers or some choxie truffles or a new video game for their Wii.
i could not find anything for one of my nephews and one of my nieces so i am attaching my name to JLC/FOMO gifts. gingerbread snaps.
i got the kadie, mark, genie, and taylor "blissmas" party tonight in maplewood. p.s. i am spending the night. i pray to the menorah that i remain on my feet and at no point do i end up laying or rolling or sitting on the floors of their house. fucking hot egg nog mess, CMC.
as the clock tick tocks and the days of 2008 disappear. i am thankful for a lot of things more so then say in the middle of a year when i am self asborded. always saying ME. MYSELF. I. always looking for anything shiny to catch my reflection. carrying the attitude i am gonna fuck you over before you fuck me. actually, that is the gay verison of tag.
I am thankful I am not living in Buffalo, NY these days. 1. erie county is not the look. 2. mother nature car bombed them with ice and snow this week. I am thankful that I am not a sixth grader in mansfield, texas. Why? I am one sloppy joe when it comes to eatting my cookies on the 552. well, these kids got cookie crumbs on the bus ride home and the bus driver told them that he was going to slit their wrists if they did not admit to being the cookie monsters. now that is some good tv. subplot in high school musical 4? always thinkin' mr. disney. i am thankful that i have been home for only 2 days and i have been out to eat 7 times. i feel like such a fat blue pig as i sit right here BUT i just have to drive my mental rental over to target, bed, bath, and beyond, and pathmark and see that they are a lot people out their drowning in a sea of carmel corn, cupcakes, and brown gravy. i am sure they are a lot of people who are making new year's resolutions to lose weight in 2009. SURE THEY ARE. is there any hope over 200 pounds? isn't that the sequel to will smith's 8 pounds starring Oprah????? cmc's resolutions 1. size 30 waist.
DEMI MOORE TO COME. I am thankful that President Bush pardoned Fugees Producer and Rapper John Forte who was serving a 14yr sentence for possession of 31 pounds of liquid cocaine. a nice christmas message to all the peeps livin' in the hood. why go to school? why get a job? why use birth control? why not carry fire arms? why not? don't need to why you have a slim chance some white man high up the hill may save the day.
the last thing i am thankful is that none of carlie simon's cds will be in my stockings this year. i liked her better when she had stage fright and stayed in her banana bubble on martha's vineyard
"i had some nightmares they were crack vials in my couch, crack vials in my couch. you so fucking strung out you probably think this song is about you."
8 days to start your life over with a fresh coat off rust proof paint, kids.

light starch and hanger, Ho Min.

2008-12-22T14:47:00.000-05:00

buffalo chicken dip filled the air. the blue spruce was singin' silent night. mother nature hung crystals on all the tree branches and the lawns were wrapped in snowy blankets. lebanon, pa was it's a wonderful life 2.0 i thought i was borrowing the iron to bring back to the mansion to iron my wool/cashmere patchwork limited edition jcrew slacks. INCORRECT. they were having an ironing station at the party. right next to the dining room table filled with a glorious selection of savories and sweets, i would have a picnic table set up with a iron, spray n starch, and ironing board. guests could line up and i would wrinkle free everything from xmas sweaters, oxfords, pants, and a portable steamer next to the tree for fine silks and cocktail dresses/skirts.
OMG WTF BBQ.
GTFO.
GFY.
FOAD.
i am cereal, no one puts bambino in da corners, papi.
JLC just threw a snowball at me..."you shouldn't wear your hat in the house...your gonna lose all your hair" then he just turned the lights up in the room so high that my eyes are twitchin'. home sweet and sour home. pass me the miso soup and don't hog all the pork friend rice, you MSG whore. i just rubbed my eyed and realized i never blended in my prep-h under my eyes before i went out xmas shopping so i probably look like a piece of fried chicken tea bagged my eyes all day. i guess you could call that a dot burton pearl necklace? oh shit and those pearls are 100 percent dipped, bitch.
FOMO COCKTAIL BREAK: we just cracked open the champagne and i am sippin it in the living room as i type and she puts the first box labeled "good balls" up on the tree. i wonder where we keep the bad balls?
ok, so my iron is all heated up and i am behind my station at on east high street. ok people line up in a single file. make sure you have a ticket for me....ok people single file. NO PUSHING. if you start pushing. you will lose your turn and have to go to the back of the line. ok, take your pants off. hey no back talking. ok, sir you want a nice pleat in your trousers. please let's only have one line. tony can you go and get me another bottle of spray n starch. christina, be a dear and go get another case of hangers. after 3 hours of constant pressing and de wrinkling i was set free to drink, eat, be merry? no, i then i was assigned to dirty paper plates, empty glasses, and scanning the floors for lost canapes and christmas cookie crumbs duty. i thought it was a given that tony was going to be a busser and server for the party being the only token "black"....actually the only minority at the party. well, there were some gays there.....they like to think of themselves as the queens of the crop..but we all know they are like bottom feeders sucking every other plankton off. pig play and water sports. rejoice and amen. it could be worse i could be living in zimbanwe standing along a road in matabeleland, barefoot stuffing my pockets with corn kernels that have blown off the truck that are made for animal feed but stuffing in my pocket like they are gold coins.
AND I AIN'T MAKING THAT PART UP. I read about them on the front page of the new york times... what a wonderful world we live in? only in america can a baby be born with a tumor in the side of her head but then they operate and find out that she had a mcdonalds happy meal in that tumor. a little mr. potato head with exchangable hands and feet and funny noses too or what was it a slinky or maybe a shrinky dink? i get my happy meal toys mixed all the time.
gosh darn shucks.
NOW THAT IS BANANAS FOSTER POTATO AU GRATIN.

20 percent off all christmas items

2008-12-21T20:37:00.001-05:00

i am too busy stuffing my face with chocolate covered macaroons and sippin on tea. i just went out to get xmas gifts for the kids. i only found two gifts. i have 4 to go. hello, it is the 23rd tomorrow. rental car was made extra special from a guest appearance by JLC. i just don't feel like bloggin' today. i wil put it on the back burner next to my mulled wine and the bunny i am cooking.

TILT

2008-12-21T20:01:00.000-05:00

game over. at jlc's. took me 5.5 to get here. pj's on and wondering why scrubs is coming to abc. i don't enjoy that one. dad had a stylist put his outside lights up. he sent my xmas card from his house to his house so i would have it before xmas. he took me out for a tasty cake din dins and toasted my diet coke for his birthday present. HEART HIM AGAIN. P.S. arts and crafts was cancelled due to snow and tree is not up because of arts/crafts work area. i hate the phrase the pay it forward. really? i really hate when some kween says gay it forward. my great uncle jerry used to say fuck it dogstyle. actually, that was my aunt jean and i think it was more like smell yo dick. sorry my mind is like mushy canned pears from my beautiful weekend in lebanon visiting bootsy collins, mama boots, and baby boots. i met so many great peeps and the stories are endless and glory hole ious. ginger snap. i will have a nice porter house blog for you tomorrow. some hot juicy meat you can get your mouth around. FUCK THIS TOFU BULLSHIT FLUFF. AIN'T HAVING IT.

state of emergency

2008-12-20T12:59:00.000-05:00

i am in Lebanon, PA for the weekend. boots all over the world.
stay tuned. things are going HD digital cable.
things are going to be crystal clear.

WINTER WEATHER ADVISORY

2008-12-19T08:16:00.000-05:00

i just got a weather update on good morning america from JLC's front deck. He is calling for a messy mix of snow/sleet with dangerous driving conditions and a big heaping of icing on trees and roads. watch out for black ice, she is one big fat nasty black tranny. oh my oh my. i just repacked my suitcases from 3 to 1 huge black titanic steamer trunk. actually, it has wheels so i won't be re adjusting my shit all over my shoulders and breaking out in a sweat before i get to my final desitation on sunday which the JLC compound. I am venturing on the 315 is it? or 513? to philly today then driving out to Lancaster, PA to visit john john aka boots for some holiday cheer. tony is/was invited but i don't see him out and about in the daylight and i don't see him dealing with wintery weather either. his black ass probably melts quickier than the wicked witch of the eastern block. very touchy times overseas. there is problems i think with oil, guns, and i think we have a problem with a couple countries but their names escape me...they start with vowels, which is weird because i think of how a lot of our states start with the letter N. something to think about. it is a brain teaser or an ABC slushee...mmmmmmm i heart wawa ones with half coke and half cherry. very enjoyable. add a hoagie. GOLDEN, BABY.
i had dream about my childhood friend, nefertiti, last night. her family moved out from coney island. Her mom, Cristal, made the best matzo ball soup i have ever tasted and let me tell you i went thru a brief period back in the 90's where i only dated jewish boys...big noses...big........oh well, the whole no xmas tree and lights and glitter washes a lot of those dreams right down the drain. actually, sometimes i would have to get a little drano out to force that shit down my pipes.
anyway, back to nefertiti she looked like an italian bette milder in my eyes. we used to race inch worms on Central Ave in North Haledon. She introduced me to her friends, Strawberry Shortcake and Holly Hobby. I introduced her to the village of the Smurfs and I made magic by lightbulb and made her a birthday cakes from my easy bake oven. I blame that toy and my mother's death having me fend for food in the nest on why I am a fry cook at north cape may mcdonalds today. I HAD BIG DREAMS. I WAS GOING TO BE SOMEONE. I WAS GOING TO BE ON BROADWAY. I WAS GOING TO BE A MOVER AND A SHAKER. the only thing moving these days is my shit back n forth from the tin house to 309 howard...and the only thing shaking is mr. augustine's bullet full of my poison. if clay aiken can have a baby and be in spamlot. then golly i think this fag can make it too.....follow the glitter lettuce brick road. click my red crocs together 3 times. oh enough with the wizard of oz references, dorthory.
ok, back to my friend, Nef, I had a dream that she was had a sweat shop in Cape May and they were making cashmere and lambswool sweaters for jcrew. my heart was torn between draping a new sweater vest on or the wealthfare of these kids. i woke up sweating and screaming...i ran straight to my closet and put on my newest lambswool jcrew sweater and i rocked/cried myself back to sleep praying that 18yr old chinese people were sewing the suede patches on my cardies.
i am getting worked up again...with christmas so close everything is getting me misty. i was crying at a laxative commerical the other day. life goes on and we lose touch with a lot of people from our past. actually, they creep back in your life via facebook now. so no worries there. i guess it is fitting that i had a dream about neffie last night because i used to dress up in my mother's halston dresses and pearls..and she would take snapshots with JLC's polaroid camera. I used to hid them under my bed and i sometimes showed the boy down the street, steve them he enjoyed them A LOT. well, it is a sad day today because polaroid filed for chapter 11 this morning. I guess I will have to start using my webcam when I am in the South Jersey M 4 crossing dressing men chat room. It ain't 1979 anymore, it is going to be 2009. oh how i long for the days of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, apple juice, and riding a worm with wheels to the royal wife of Egypt's house.

virginias is for lovers. decembers is for fools

2008-12-18T08:01:00.000-05:00

up at the crack of dawn. AGAIN. i had a little pre xmas ho ho ho hostess cupcake and cocktail thang with the wednesday group at the brown room. it was very lovely. i was so hung ova yesterday but i entered the kettle one iron man and had 3 seniors and two juniors. NG, how you feeling this glorious morning? i am riding on thin ice and my skates are not dorthory hams, they are brian botanos on gin n juice and a hit of crack. enough about my monkeys.
my birthday was a smashing hit. i got the engagement ring from tiffany's from the Mr. it is platinum with a smart ring of diamonds but not too tony sopranos meets my so-called life. oh shit, let's give a shout out to an ol' school show. that was the shnizzle, nigga. i cannot even tell you how many emails, texts, and calls i got yesterday wishing me the best as i enter into a new chapter of my life. the 40's. i remember it like yesterday turning 10 and getting out my hot glue gun and glittering away fomo's vogue magazines and sniffin' at the guy's underwear ads. now those are some childhood memories to lock in the hope chest. yeah, get me some gasoline and will send it out to sea and torch that shit. anygay, the florist showed up 4 times with a variety of flowers and one tacky arrangement from you know who! SNAP. then, i got dressed to the 9's. more like the 4.5's and went to my birthday party at congress hall. it was amazing race. is that show even on still?
everyone was there. kate and paul from montclair. katie and brandon from clearwater. baracky and michelle from chicago. tom and katie from l.a. smurfette and papa smurf from the left side of my brain. the cake was amazing. 3 layers of golden chiffon wrapped in chocolate ganache and dripping with 24k gold leaf bananas. a tear is running down my china doll face right now. RICE? rice a roni the san fran doggie treat. san fran is on the stove still, just simmering children. FYI.
lots of laughs. lots of cocktails. lots of good times. now onto more important things. what could be more important than christopher michael's birthday?
i am only 36 years old and my birthday is february 4th 1972. you can write to the paterson hospital if need be. i know what was my parents fucking thinking having me born in that dumpy city. not the look, mr. lagerfield. actually, MY BLOG TURNED 40 YESTERDAY. it was the 40th installment.i did not turn 40 and december 17th is JLC's birthday. i think i will have to start writing disclaimers on my emails and blogs. well, thank you for all the best wishes and i actually had an excellent day. i did get engaged but we are going to get married in greece this spring. so, don't expect a huge wedding at congress hall with all the blah blah blah...i know i know it sounds like a copycat wedding. but we both have dicks and i am not wearing white.
happy pre birthday jesus. isn't he like 400 in church years on the 25th of december?

episode 40

2008-12-17T11:30:00.000-05:00

the scene opens with grey skies and a bit of chili fries in the air...me standing on columbia street in a full length chanel gown, hair in an up do by edward kohl. swimming in diamonds and soaking wet with pearls. my lipstick is brick red...the trees start to whistle...i start to break out in song...mamma mia don't ever let you go? the soundtrack then goes into womanizer....victorian dancers come out of nowhere we do a lavish dance number in the streets...i am not at all concerned that my buy one get one free express salads will get crushed i just keep on dancing...the gas laterns on howard street are filled with disco balls. i blink and everyone is gone..i am in my clothes from last night...still smelling like pizza and wings....coffee, cigarettes, and booze ooozing out of my pores...vision impaired. eyes bleeding. outfits to match. gifts to wrap. fudge to pack. netflix to watch. i am a very stylish girl. busy body queen bee on the prowl. time to buzz my way up to the hive and kick this shit into 5th gear. i wonder if santa is gonna be white or black this year? last year he was black, but actually it was two guys from wildwood breaking and entering for a cup of flour to make christmas cookies for their kids. oh what a winter wonderland. i wish snowflakes were pink mixed with glitter. note to mother nature: get your shit together and start making things happen.
the music dies and the scene fades to black.
exit stage left, beyatches.
i know your all going to be on your tip toes for episode 41.
P.S. JLC if you have been secretly watching my shit show...HAPPY 77th BIRTHDAY PAYCE.
i know mom is up in heaven with her feet up on her otto watching with a big bowl of p corn and a ice cold kettle one martini extra dirty and dry. CHOW CHOW FOR NOW.

A MIRACLE ON ROUTE 47.

2008-12-16T08:31:00.000-05:00

hands down i was in the dumps yesterday. it was a number 3 combo meal: tired with two sides: boys and so so glitter fries. i was staring off into airport space most of the day. by the time i got on the 552 my eyes were burning from being up on the road before the sun came up yesterday to go to the airport with katie. gf, i feel for you because that drive is not the look. all the priests bring the side by side shakes and boys to the yard...oh shit, sing it....SING IT LOUD MOTHA FUCKA. can i get a what? what? can i get a HOLY ROLLA PAPA WAS A ROLLING STONE....nothing like breaking out into song in your coffee cup..shit, hit the brakes.... just when i thought there was no hope. I got on the 552 and let me tell ya it was like a big helping of ghetto sugar free fat free pudding. i think yesterday at the pudding bar they had butterscotch and german chocolate. sometimes they put too much coconut on top. so, i usually go lite on that. gets all stuck in my dentures and i usually don't have any floss with me, so i have to find something in my fanny pack to pick that shit out with. it turns into a chore. not cute.
back to the 227 i mean 552. there was a wigga aka black nig on the bus who was cryin' about how he was so hungry trying to get down to north cape may...yo, B i am so hungry yo that i feel my ribs comin thru my back....those people have to pack smart sensible treats for long trips like michelle's spiced nuts and katie's peppermint brownies..I THOUGHT EVERYONE KNOWS THAT. then, he was bitchin about how a friend sayin' they eat all his food at his place...YO, I BRING MY OWN CHIPS and SO DO YOU. he ends up eatting the chips we leave there. REALLY? i never realized that chips were a staple household item. well, when your wearing a dirty wifebeater, your "sweat" pants are 10x too big for you and your talking about getting off at the booze bus stop to pick up a 6 pack and some pretzels..i guess chips are a meal. i cannot fucking imagine what they consider holiday chips?????? it is probably filet mignon and shrimp cocktail to them. P.S. i don't heart six pack beer drinkers. 1.cans. 2.bloated on malt and hops 3. cans.
next stop, an oreo couple with a irish coffee baby. they had more shit than you could imagine. breaking down this huge stroller, then a car seat-baby carry on seat, two huge diaper bags.....p.s. they were a nasty print. nothing cute or maybe a nice burberry plaid...they looked like a tacky lunch bag for your hautre ghetto coutre brown bag processed cheese slice and boiled ham sandwich on acme white bread. OOOOOH NOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOO. the girl, who had a bit of a junk drawer when she came by my seat...she was soooooo out of breath..i was like "oh honey, you need an H20 tank. actually, i meant O2. oh my gawd, did you see oprah on the cover O for january. she is fat and thin. that is bananas. slim jim and bob's big boy. hmmmm, interesting.
there were some other scabs in the melting pot too, but i have to take this shit off of boil and let it simmer and get on with my day. let me just say that by the end of the 552, god shot me up with biggest needle of liquid crack and i was feeling no pain stumbling back to 309 howard street. i think FOX should do a show where they take millionaires who ride in limos, private jets, and helipcoters and make them take the 552 to from cape may to atlantic city. oh shit. now that is some good tv. i am back in my warm fuzzy banana bubble.....for now. the monkey is gonna jump back on my back friday. need to get my shots and stock up on raid. where else in the world can you ride next to a mexican dishwasher reading the lastest issue of mexico playboy where the playmate is dressed like a skanky slutty legs up in the air 24-7 virgin mary?
ONLY IN AMERICA.
ONLY ON THE 552.
FIGHT FOR THE RELEASE OF OUR TROOPS AND FREE PORN.

FROSTED FLAKES

2008-12-15T07:31:00.000-05:00

i feel the ground trembling and the house of cards is about to crumble. when the dust settles the only one standing will be the queen of hearts. time to call your bluff.

caffeine and lifetime

2008-12-14T10:19:00.001-05:00

there is nothing like waking up on a sunday morning not swimming in a kiddie pool of jack n cokes, kettle ones n soda, and cigarettes. i can keep my swimmies and two piece high school musical 2 bikini for next trip up stream to ybor city. i never have been to a flea market where they sell booze, corn dogs and sex toys all in the same parking lot. amazing race. we stopped for lunch at panera. i had a red bull in a bread bowl. they hold a lot soup, by the way. i am finishing off my last full day in florida at the pinellas county country club where the dress code is sporty spice chic and having killer shrimp with some of the locals. perfection. a game for all ages. i have to get back to the litter box or the sandtrap formally known as cape may tomorrow. why? i don't really know. actually, it is to get my costumes for the next act. how many weeks left before i have to go back to work? shhhhh. shut your mouth.

DEWERS N SMITHFIELD HAM

2008-12-13T13:33:00.000-05:00

i never realized that lesbians had so much drama in their life. i thought they were fun loving flower power people sitting around braiding braclets out of hemp and singing carol king songs. " i liked to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony...blah blah blah....UNTIL, i met my cousin, mercedes maria lisa, in the lobby of the marriott marina hotel in downtown tampa, florida. she started ranting off about one in the navy, one in the army, one from the cheesecake factory , and one in a pear tree. did you know that you can transfer from one cheesecake factory to the other? i did not know you could cross state lines. actually, i think you need to go thru a corporate training program because depending on the region determines the flavors of chesecake. i know that when i went to the CF in costa rica they had a lot with bananas. ok back to LOGO. holy shit. brandon aka diva below the mason dixon line. is that like the jar or is it like the college george mason or.....had his 2nd xmas fit of the day. 1. over katie wanting to wrap the xmas presents for the stockings. really? really. i am going to debate that shit when i go to debate club back in north cape may at the VFW hall. go cape may cougars. don't get that mistaken for middle age girls who like younger guys. they are pumas. fit #2 over not being able to fit adult size elf tights for the xmas bar bike tour. i heart florida beef n beer blasts and old men over 65 who like to go out for early bird din dins at 430pm. i am so getting a sugar daddy dipped in glitter, lettuce, and popcorn.
back on ellen's ranch...my cousin, met this girl from jacksonville florida on the 3rd day she had her myspace. well, fast forward five hot mess minutes later she was packing up her wifebeaters and skate or die sneakers and moving to florida. someone get that girl a safety pin and pop her banana bubble. well, they never moved in together because her gay dreamcatcher home depot lightbulb went off and she found out the chic was a 35 loser with no job. no coins in da bank. no life. somewhere in the carpet munching puddin' there was a couple girls that looked like young skater boys. really? really. yes, i saw some camera phone pics. and yes, camera pics make you look more butch and add 8oz to you face. SNAP.
i am so glad that i met up with my cousin, mercedes maria lisa, because she opened a whole new can of tuna fish in oil to my eyes. have you ever googled google? it comes up goggle. actually, i am late because james lipton is interviewing me on inside the gay actors studio. the topic is my new documentary on bananas. it is very riveting and a tear jerker. i get a bunch of bananas and hand them out to homeless people. i am a mother fucking giver, people. so start giving this kwanza and the only time you should be getting something for nothing is when uncle charlie is jacked up on cocaine and dewers plowing the shit out of your ass. actually, i heart it when i my uncle billy used to teabag me. SCREW MISTLETOE.

STRAWBERRY FIELDS FOREVER

2008-12-12T08:59:00.000-05:00

i am reading a book called, how to get along with boys while drinking coffee in clearwater, florida on vacation. indy, the wendling dog, is howling at the today show. why? because he had been following the story about that little girl who went missing in florida and they founds some bones behind her house yesterday. i just had to give him a bacon strip to calm his nerves. it is going to be very touch and go with him today. the clouds are a thick roux this morning. i feel like i am still in cape may. NOT CUTE.
the book suggests how to eat certain foods....NUTS: use your fingers. do not crack hard-shelled nuts with your teeth. besides being dangerous, it looks bad.
actually, i would rather have greasy fingers while eatting my fried chicken sometimes if only the the jerk off sitting across from me would disappear into odorless vapors.
my grandfather, john...my mother's father...actually, i don't even know if that was his name? oh my god, now that looks bad. my grandpa was a bit boozey. he once drove me in his chocolate colored impala to pick up my brother, johnny, at his school. well, gramps got lost and we ended up on newark pompton turnpike in wayne, nj. well, we skipped over the double yellow lines and smacked right into the telephone pole. johnny's face bounced off the dashboard and his nose started raining blood...and i slide under the back seat and my legs were stuck under there. what does a grandfather do? he gets out and runs away down the highway......the guy at the gas station calls 911 thinking that we were kidnapped. pops was having a couple beers at lunch and was afraid he was going to get arrested....REALLY? really. we got a police escort home to 2 thorton drive. my mother went out to dunkin doughnuts and got a dozen for the family. when my brother, johnny opened them up they were ALL strawberry glazed with sprinkles. i was in heaven staring at all the pinky sugary confections winking back at me. my 3 brothers were all whining about why they all were strawberry. my mother looked over at me with a smirk on her face and just said flat out BECAUSE....... grandpa came home a bit later with JLC we never talked about what happened and i actually don't know if he ever got in trouble. that is the irish catholic way...you ignore everything in life that makes you uncomfortable....oh my god, i think a light bulb just went off in my head... i am sure JLC called in a favor with some judge or police chief. he was whipping up his magic even back in the 70's. ok, i have to go now because i am playing the black sheep in the xmas pageant down at the colored folks church in dunedin, florida. i will try my hardiest not to dry hump any of the other animals in the flock.
it is dangerous and it looks bad.
P.S. the story about grandpa fields is 100 true. shocked? i am not making shit up in my head again.

DISCO TEABAGS

2008-12-11T09:46:00.000-05:00

one of my darling friends sent me an e card last night that said i hope you wake up on top of man not a pile of woman's fashion magazines this new year's eve day. EXACTLY. that is the celery root of all my problems. i am sick of jerking off to british vogue every night.
is it a problem that i am buying my own xmas presents and writing love and best wishes from someone else? do i need a christmas time out because i sent out 75 xmas cards and i probably only really like 12 of those people? so, as i sit on my love seat on christmas eve with my plate full of homemade toasted coconut marshmallows and hot cocoa. i will pray that santa will bring me something that doesn't require two AA batteries and comes wraps in shiny paper. I want peace in the middle east, I want a black president in the white house, and I want a quaker dyke on my box of my oatmeal.
P.S. and i want gay guys to get their heads out of their asses and throw their baggage and steam trunks out in the fucking trash. pat, i would like to buy a vowel. A, please. I would like to solve the puzzle.

ASSHOLE.

552 + 319 + 66 = MONTCLAIR

2008-12-10T19:53:00.000-05:00

i don't have anything funny to say or write.

EXIT STAGE LEFT

2008-12-09T13:15:00.000-05:00

i am busy casting local celebrities for my charlie brown christmas play that i will put on at the villas VFW hall. i have frank ferris slated to play charlie brown. maria lisa is going to play lucy. patric is on board to play pig pen. i am going to the petsmart to look at who in the hell with play snoopy. i have 75 xmas cards to do today and they have 4 steps to them and they must go out before i leave in the morning. i have to pack all my odds and ends for the 3 bus rides to get to montclair. mace and pepper spray, CHECK. i also have to scotch guard my clothes before i go to florida because i end up sweeping the floors of the gay bars down there with my fashion. oh shit. i still am recovering from the last supper and 309 still smells like ol' fowl and feed. so, i must keep this short and sweet n low. hope eveyone is enjoying these joyous times and not getting to much gas from this recession.
take a beano and call me in the morning.
P.S. i also have to help work out those factory workers in chicago who are having a sit in for their pensions. i am telling you a gal friday's job is never done.

the last supper

2008-12-08T07:39:00.000-05:00

let me just say that da vinci was not in the wine cellar at the washington inn last night. jesus might have been there but i kept hearing something in the bread basket but it was a bit muffled from the savory snacks being wrapped in fresh linen. the twelve apostles were there or the motley crew or the hen house or the circus came back to town. you can always tell when it is acomin' you hear that piercing music box sound, the earth shivers from the march of the elephants....and by the way the air is full of the smell of hay, cotton candy, and donkey shit. i heart a hot number 2. can you super size my fries though. i am eating for two, papi. i think jesus gave a shout out to his apostles peeps and said at that din din "one of you bitches is going to come for me and try to cut me with your box cutter"
i will give that award to dot. she showed up in her christmas sweatshirt. vutton, of course. earring by chanel. lipstick by avon. the color of that stick "blackened brown suga plum fairy chipped beef"
all the girls are featuring it. she was announcing to the world that she came with no money. she has no money. she only got one unemployment check since october. that skillet is cracked and needs to hang itself up on the wall for good. whatta mean you don't serve fried chicken anymore, bobby? i think there is a KFC in north cape may. actually, the twelve apostle, lucille phoned her dinner in because she was home in bed with a lazy eye. she had to go get the dewers build up on her left eye scrapped in philly. mama dot made a eye patch for her out of a piece of dried fat back and butcher's twine. once she got over the musty smell, she resumed the role of black ice the bitchiest black pirate on the eastern seaboard. you should met her pet parrot. she is one mean buzzard. i think her name is shirley. THE END.
mother nature is whippin up a mean batch of cookies down here. it is code blue. which means the police scoop up the homeless people so they don't turn into human creamsicles in the gutters or under the bridges or in their cardboard apts. also, i learned at 4am this morning after i woke up out of dead sleep and turned the news on to go back to bed. there is only one company in the usa that makes wire hangers for dry cleaners. and they are fist fucking the merchants by jacking up the prices. i always hated when a wire hanger was hiding out in my closet mixed up with all the popular kids. i would rip him right off the playground and break both his hands and feet. now, i think i am going to let them stay and enjoy the merry go round and take a kiki in the sandbox. and you never know if jesus will need a wire hanger to beat down the apostle who ends up stabbin' him in the back with a dull butter knife. mary jo can you pass me the butter, please.

RAYON MAFIA

2008-12-07T08:15:00.000-05:00

brooke shields was not available to do the show. i had to endure a 3 hour christmas parade with a million fire trucks with xmas lights thrown on them. a bunch of fags. i putting that nicely and loosely. hot apple knocker cider. and a partridge in a pear tree.

check back soon.

round up the herd

2008-12-06T10:07:00.000-05:00

i feel like noah. as in noah's ark. i am trying to make a bagel in my holly hobby oven and coffee before i take xtina's car to walmart. i am so hung over too. great. i am joining the circus. i will see ya monday. who i am? i am the bearded axe wound. take that, clowns.
P.S. I DON'T HEART CLOWNS.

WE ARE THE WORLD. WE ARE THE CHILDREN.

2008-12-05T07:28:00.000-05:00

after i took my nightly sleeping pill which is a creamy buttery fruit filled snack which is only 80 calories. thanks dannon. you shall take this spiritual journey with me as i binge and purge the november "10" i gained while travelling the world being a missionary. take that jolie with your rainbow of fruit flavored babies. it looks like you spilt a bag of skittles out of your purse when i see you with all those kids. i wonder if she has a huge map on her wall and she and mr. pitt play darts and whoever hits the most osbcure run down town where people eat dirt and crickets is where the next "chosen one" will be from. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. over it. fuck and make real babies. next.
actually, it would be great if they made a remake of eight is enough with their family and they try to live in a middle class neighborhood and the real life game of chutes and ladders and how the 6 kids from 6 different tribes have to deal with bitchy soccer moms and vanilla bean kids with shiny convertibles. and when i say eight is enough. i mean it is ENOUGH, peeps.
i have always wanted to have a kid. i sometimes see two waspy gay guys with their ISTROLLER with wireless iphone/ipod attachments and my heart gushes for a little girl named pepper jon cleary or a boy named ian michael james cleary.....then i get a look behind the mosquito netting and realized the got their baby girl, bok choy from the same corporation most kweens get their soy sauce, Kokkiman. SUGAR SNAPS. actually, i will like to order a case of low sodium soy sauce because stephen has high blood pressure from work.
one of the main reasons i am up so early this friday is i am waiting for tickets to go on sale for the freedom concert in jangleville. i am following the voice of franklin graham aka billy graham's son. every since he spoke at george w bush's inauguration and his words about islam struck a chord on my apron strings, i have been follower. i usually like to be a leader but this is one exception when it is ok to be an indian and not a chief. or is king? or it queen? or top? or bottom? i am confused. more coffee, waitress.
during this time of year we need to put on our backpacks and hike god's trail to spread the word of peace and harmony. i know i won't be treking thru pennypack park in PA. A jogger found 5 beheaded goats lined up in a row with their blood drained and their hooves bound together with dental floss. say what? i know that everyone is on the vampire bandwagon with the huge $$$ of the twilight book series, but teenage girls should be running up their parents cell phone bills with texts, stealing booze from their stash, and having unprotected sex. I remember our old neighbors in Kinnelon, NJ were from the Bijago tribe in Africa and ten days before christmas they would slay a goat in the bottom of their empty in ground pool and then make goatinis and shish kabobs before putting tinsel on their 8ft douglas fir. I would whine and whine to JLC about why don't Irish people have any cool traditions? JLC would say shut up and eat your boiled ham and cabbage. I do not heart boiled meat.
it good to open up the lines of communication during this holiday season and we should all try to embrace our faith whatever it may be and try to be a "giver" not a "take take shake n bake" devil worshiper. well, sometimes you have to be a evil bitch. if there is only one tickle me elmo doll on the shelf at walmart. hell ya, push that nappy haired trailer park bitch out of the way. donate one of your coats that was in fashion 5 minutes ago that you bought all banged up on stoli from QVC.
drop off a can of spam at your local battered wives shelter. adopt a three legged cat from the shelter. I think Michael Jackson said it best, "we are the ones who make a brighter day so let's start giving."
Hey, if your too busy making martha stewart christmas tree cupcakes, picking out outfits to go the local christmas parade, and getting all boozey on poinsetta cocktails...then there is always next year!!!

http://www.samaritanspurse.org/index.php/Franklin_Graham/index/

http://www.myfoxphilly.com/myfox/pages/Home/Detail;jsessionid=8E79D090BA49FFA1A543E40D44050798?contentId=8006145&version=6&locale=EN-US&layoutCode=TSTY&pageId=1.1.1&sflg=1

UGLY DUCKLING ALWAYS GETS HER SWAN

2008-12-04T09:42:00.001-05:00

i don't really know any nursery rhymes by heart. i do know a couple salt n pepa songs inside and out. yeah boyz. push it reallllll good, girls. as we approach the 25th, i guess my thoughts are on douglas fir scented candles, candy cane lane, and that dirty lil' elf who gave me the gift of the "clap" last year and it took a lot of creams and pills to clear that shit up. it was worse than hitting black ice on route 90 in my red toyota pick up truck on the way to buffalo with 5 boxes of glass christmas ornaments back in 2004. the car spun around like a top on meth banging the shit out of twink from boston. anygay, that is a true story. i did almost die one xmas season driving to buffalo to see my douche bag of a husband, no need to insert name. i called him from the side of the road. he was in the tub reading the paper and watching the news on our bathroom flat screen. my tears and cries for help and comfort were ignored and when i arrived back to buffalo we went out for wings and pizza. people from buffalo are very classy. actually, classy should be in bold cap letters dipped in gold glitter. i miss the days of playing the role of bree on desperate housewives. i miss them as much as i miss the time i almost drove our BMW X5 into the niagra river because she was talking to me..taunting me to come in for a quick dip. come on chris, the water is not that cold. you will be fine once you get in. you will forget all about the past. fast forward that movie that went straight to dvd. not every story can be a blockbuster and i have my fucking oscar on a rotating pedestal in my foyer going up to my penthouse on 309 howard street. take that meryl streep. she is so pushy and can be such a bitch after a couple vodka gimlets. oh shit.
i remember the first christmas after my mom died my dad got me one stinking present and it was a very ugly men's watch. i cried for days. more like months. i will never forget the christmas after JLC got married to FOMO and we had to dodge my grandma, betty the whole month of december because my dad could not tell her that he had married someone else with the dirt still fresh on my mother's grave. i think i got a colecovision that year. i heart donkey kong. i remember the christmas that i got chicken pox when i was in 8th grade and we had to cancel christmas because no one in the whole cleary family clan had it yet. i sat downstairs and my room and practiced my like a virgin dance moves. who knew i would be using them now on dancefloors up and down the east coast. AMAZING.
But when your a kid you think everything is a major production...a 2 hour afterschool special on ABC like that one where that kid has to live in that bubble. i understand that one. i heart living in the bubble i blew up with glitter, bananas and the help of mable jones' relaxer shampoo from jangleville. every christmas eve when i go back to jangleville, we see who can create the biggest bubble. reverend davis and his wife, carolyn won last year that is because they had the lord on their side and a fifth of crown royal. i just love going home for the holidays now. JLC carves the filet mignon for christmas brunch. the marble wet bar sink is overflowing with shrimp cocktail. FOMO and I don't share the good champagne with anyone else. CHEERS. I some how always end up with close to a thousand dollars in coin and gift cards. I guess christmas is a time to reflect on the past and say thanks to what we have today. I am so thankful I am not some homeless crack head living on the streets of buffalo with my cardboard condo...heating my can of pork n beans with my crack pipe lighter. actually, i am thankful i am not even near buffalo this time of year. So, as I prepare to put up my vintage pom pom silver christmas tree today and get ready for the christmas parade in the beautiful "mostly white" cape may, i feel like that ugly duckling who shed her dingy feather to be one of the fiercest swans in the pond. Actually, I am more like the nasty ol' hungry hawk that comes down and snaps that swans neck in two.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE. DON'T FORGET TO PISS ON EVERYBODYS PARADE.

www.suicidal.com

just remember you cannot replace a diamond with cut glass!

2008-12-03T10:26:00.000-05:00

it is actually the 3rd day of christmas...wait. what is that song? about the maids a milking or is it farmers a slaughterin' or is 5 golden rings or is 5 brass knuckles? oh wait. is it 3 french hens or is it 3 ham hocks? i am fucked this morning. as christmas moves into the ez pass lane, i have a lot of things on my mind. i am worried about the guns n roses fued with dr. pepper. i love dr. pepper. i don't heart the calories, but dr. pepper said he would give everyone a free pop if guns n roses cd dropped by the end of 2008. well, that shit dropped right into the pool with the cosby kids. make sure you double wipe, we have a long ride up the GSP to the mall, peeps. i had to go on itunes this morning to check the status of britney's cd. it is number one on cd sales and her new single, circus is number one too. so, i can rest for now on that. but until next thursday when billboard.com posts the number one's it be a monkey on my back. i already got a few monkeys camping out back there. shopping. drinking. smoking. shooting. actually, i gave the needles a rest in the 80's. my skin ended up being more important than getting high people. actually, the advances in concealers these days is amazing race. something else flying around in my head is god. there is this music store in michigan where the employees of the store have seen the face of jesus in the grains of the wood on a guitar. SAY WHAT? isn't god suppose to be working with the suits and ties on wall street to clean up this recession that is cloggin' up our toliets and let me tell you i am not putting on my hunter wellies that were over a $100. 00 because my bathroom is flooded with shit, piss, and soggy charmin. NOT SEEIN' IT. NOT HEARIN' IT. NOT FEELIN' IT. jesus should not be hangin' out in some mid western state strummin' old led zepplin tunes with some hill billy stoners. he should be embracing the true meaning of christmas. LOTS OF HOLIDAY DECORATONS. EXPENSIVE GIFTS. BOOZY EGGNOG AND REINDEERS THAT REALLY KNOW HOW TO FLY. snaps to rudolph. i will play your reindeer games anytime. the only red nose i know that lights up is ted kennedy's and that was pre tumor times. I am drowning in a sea of questions and doggie paddlin' very poorly towards the answers...and i just caught by mother nature peein' in the ocean. i started unpacking my suitcase from my november 6th trip to florida this morning. i have 2 other trips to unpack too. something i don't have to worry about is my angel network is not looking out for me because JLC threw a bottle of mouth wash in my bag for me as a surprise. usually he throws in condoms and lube in my bag. more like a chasity belt made of steel. it looks like it came from costco's or some bulk place. it is about 120 oz of citrus germ killer. but, then by the note attached to it i have to start frettin' that the cleary family elm has a history of tree rot. should i be worried that i am going to be mistaken a fag that's house is on wheels? are people going to think my 1 carat each diamond studs are really only smoke and mirrors...and a lot of cut glass? well, my prince albert is 100 percent real bling, assholes. christmas is suppose to be the most wonderful time of the year. i am starting to think satan is playing a mean game of twister with me and i am the fattiest person in the game.

http://sandiego.craigslist.org/csd/mis/942208204.html

COINSTAR IS THE ANTI CHRIST

2008-12-02T14:05:00.000-05:00

it is official. the country is in a recession. i was just at the acme and i had to buy acme brand bran flakes instead of kashi cereal because i ever since katie couric told me last night it was official i have been spending money like i was collecting unemployment and getting money from my babies daddy. actually, i do sell a bit of crystal meth on the side but that is only to pay for the buses back and forth for my offseason trips. you know how much it cost to go back and forth. shit! it cost as much as a 12 pack of miller chill, a pack of kools, a blunt, and a some holiday chips. don't even get me started on my diaper and formula bills, peeps. So, your hearing it now from the gay horses mouth, i am cutting my spending. i am not buying any jcrew online. i am not buying any extra christmas decorations, i am making a lot of homemade christmas gifts, and i am going to charging half price for blow jobs and rim jobs thru the holidays. so, boys line up and get it while your can. i will be slashing prices on up this shit all december. i will throw in some water sports too and that makes a great stocking stuffer for johnny and timmy. i also will be putting an extra sweater and some heavy socks and keeping the heat a tad lower during these winter months. my blue balls might be a bit more icey but for fuck sake i will have more coin in the bank. why? because we are in a recession and tons of people are out of work. black people are getting killed by holiday shoppers at walmart. excited toy shoppers are getting shot to death at toys r us. WE NEED TO WAKE UP. we need to start smelling the no frills brand coffee. we to cut coupons from the sunday paper. we need to skip a day of taking a shower. buy a bottle stoli and drink in the dark and alone instead of going out with friends and spending 10.oo a pop for a martini.
I feel that this blog is the perfect place to help voice the cries of the american people. the average everyday working people from every main street and dirt road thru out america.
I say now and into 2009, reep what you sow. I actually have to wrap this shit up and pulish my blog because jcrew is having 30 percent off holiday sale and i am so getting this $250.00 bomber hat for this winter season, it is going to look sick with the new lacoste tech line coat i ordered last week. plus, i have to order my xmas card pics from snapfish, i think i lost count at 75 cards. i also want to order my new gucci cologne on sephora.com because they just started carrying it. it is 70. but it is free shipping over 50.00. the icing on the 7 layer recession proof cake is i saw these barack obama plates that you can order from tv and they are only making them for 65 days and then they destroy the mold. they will look amazing on the wood panelling in my den and they are like 19.99 and they throw in a gold plated dollar coin with his mug on it too. So, I think that is not frivalish spending. THAT IS CALLED AN INVESTMENT. because in 4 years i sell that chipped plate at my yard sale for at least a buck fifty..i mean $1.50, beyatches. BUT, until then i will hang that plate next to my rosa parks 4 piece plate set and my honeymooners ones. I love it when uncle sam gives me a huge helpin' of good ol fashion USA apple pie. I will have to puke it up after because I am watching my hourglass figure. But, hey isn't it the thought that counts the most.
P.S. roll your own damn change and stay away from the coinstar machine at your local market

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EIWmIJpNnSQ

FUDGE PACKER

2008-12-01T08:43:00.000-05:00

suitcases packed and i am leaving one day late. i have a tummy ache. feel like i am going to puke from working myself up about public transportation. 20 bus leaves in 25 minutes. i am going to back to cape may. i could stay in closter forever. but have to get back to making sandcastle discos and glitter reindeer. stay tuned for the mayhem and the circus drops tuesday.

CMC PLAYLIST

2008-12-01T00:15:00.000-05:00

1. circus by ms. britney spears
2. alarma by DJ Sertac
3. forgive me by leona lewis (azriel drake does almighty anthem mix)
4. bust your windows by jasmine sullivan
5. try on my own by whitney houston(arenna unreleased mix)
6. miles away by madonna(dj andler standing ma remix)
7. i stay in love by mariah carey(ralphi's melodic club vox)

short and sweet

2008-11-30T16:37:00.000-05:00

i took an 80 dollar cab ride last night.
enough said.

katie couric gots nothang on me

2008-11-29T09:34:00.000-05:00

i always get a bit funky or should i say more like a touch of sour milk the day before i am going to travel somewhere...there is nothing i hate more then rancid dairy products. i am so craisins about the date on shit like that. i like to have a two week vacation stamped on my half n half when i am tapping that shit dry. sunday is going to be a 3 part miniseries too. i am going to take the #20 bus from closter to nyc. actually, the bus stop sign is on my fricking cousin's property so that is nice. the bus is usually filled with asian fashionistas some with real vuttons and some with tacky chloe knockoffs from houston street. nothing says something about someone more than trying to pull off fake couture. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i love when you see a teenage girl with bad roots tied up in a scunchie that resembles a birds nest that has been thru a tropical depression, a dirty disney sweatshirt, and fat faced baby with hand me down clothes from sally's on her hip holding this big ol' gucci purse that looks like someone stenciled the G's and the pleather is as stiff as cardboard. don't get me started on her shoes, miss thing. call me caddy. call me a bitch. if you cannot afford the real thing that is fine. don't try to live outside the trailer lines. stay inside your dirty litter box bubble. don't confuse stupid people that your the junk on your trunk is 100 percent.
i then take the greyhound from nyc to atlantic city. which is the middle of the road bus mostly ol' bettys going to a/c to gamble with sheila and mitsy for the day and there is always a token puerto rican couple with kids bouncing off the seats like romper room...and don't forget their refried bean burritos that makes me feel like you have an oxygen mask and the air supply is courtesy of the 42nd street taco bell. i am sorry i took that last part a little too far it usually smells like day ol' chips and salsa from your cinco de mayo frat party. i love arriving in atlantic city bus terminal it is when my brakes lock and i slam right into the guard rail waiting for my eddie bauer limited edition suv to flip over and kill me. lots of crack heads, bag ladies, unwed mothers, and casino employees trying to catch the bus to the projects or their next fix. the doors slide open and lil' ol' me comes in for a guest appearance...baby blues, pale smooth skin...thank you dr. wexler your face creams are doing wonders. worth the $110. ounce. i sometimes think maybe i should poor it down and throw a garbage bag in the mix instead of having matching lacoste luggage, gloves, hat, sneakers, belt and sweater. but then i think to myself it is better that these people see how the other side lives and maybe the will take pen to paper and have make some long term goals. 1. buy a 40 ounce beer 2. get the electric turned back on 3. find out who my real father is. 4. buy matching luggage.
Finally, the last stretch of my trip is a reality show on NBC called confession of the 552. it is riveting and a nail biter. your a sitting duck waiting for the ex convict or fat girl in the belly shirt running from her pimp to get on. your glued to the doors of the bus watching everyone that comes on. it never falls someone is always getting out of jail, is talking about someone in jail, or is going to visit someone in jail. someone is down to their last dollar and they spent it on smokes and booze. as the bus knits itself a sable blanket of drama and weaves thru every little town towards one of the top ten most beautiful places in the country, CAPE MAY. yes, it is. ask forbes magazine. thank you. i start to get a rash from the synthetic seat covers and i long to see mr. augustine's black pick up truck waiting to scoop me up and bring me back to reality. by the time nightfalls, as we are sipping on martinis noshing on shrimp cocktail and a perfectly grilled piece of beef getting ready to watch a netflix on the flat screen. i forget all about how i got roped into doing a compelling expose piece for the tyra banks show on public transportation...how i got into a fat suit in stretchie pants and spanks. how i carried fake coach luggage. how i stuffed a big mac and dripped my special sauce down my shirt. how i melted into the fondue pot from hell. for what? for the glory of the story. in the real world of supermodels and celebrities, i only get out of bed for 10,000 or a good bump of coke. next week, i am going to dress in drag and see what is like to be a trannie with a mean smack habit and a thing for black guys.....stay tuned and check your local tv guide for times. i smell a refried emmy peeps.

BLACK N BLUE FRIDAY

2008-11-28T09:37:00.000-05:00

four words for ya'll MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE FLOAT. actually, that is 5 words. yesterday i felt i had been hog tied with butchers twine and slowly released up into the skies over closter, nj by a team of 12. let me get the menu over with now: cornish hen, acorn squash, roasted yams, stuffing, beets, cranberry sauce, mashed potato, and for starters i had chips/dip and hummus/crackers to the point where i was licking the container with my fingers to get every last morsel of chic pea. not cute. oh, i forgot the warm apple pie from the farm(remind me to tell you about the local farm in closter, nj...girl, there is a story there!) and mrs. smith pumpkin pie. FAT CAMP STAT. i am going to be one of those chubby girls that people throw their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at in the lunch room and i run screaming with smuckers stuck all up in my pony tail. oh shit. however, i will be the star of the softball team. i had a dream last night that tony aka crazy Ethiopian was a campus killer at ithaca college aka like virginia tech and i was the head of the FBI team searching for him but he kept killing and getting away...oh yeah ithaca college was also an outside outlet mall..i think that is the pink side of my brain..gayin' up the dream..in the middle of the dream the guidance counselor that i had back in high school caught my ear and said that my blog was racist and written poorly. disclaimer: i write the blog as i speak or think: lots of run ons, chopped up thoughts, and no structure....HELLO.... i instantly woke up and was panic stricken. as i sat down to pee, i did not have my contact lens in and was not in the mood for water sports at 8am. i thought am i taking this too far? is this blog going to get into the wrong hands? is this going to set up a detour on the right path to my future happiness? is god going to be disappointed in me once again? is JLC going to pick up the stank of this with his superhero sense of smell?
i pulled up my fruit of the looms and said if the blacks, jews, dago guidos, wasps, meat and potato beer infested drunks, fags, dykes, sheets, and goya o boyas cannot take a joke...then beyonce said it best....I DON'T YOUR READY FOR MY JELLY...MY BLOG IS BOOTILIOUS BABY.
P.S. if your going out today to shop at the mall for black friday, your a hot mess it is like going out to a bar on new year's eve...all the amateurs. bumping into you and cannot carry themselves and spilling their cocktails all over you. NOT THE LOOK. GOTTA HO, JLC IS HERE.
P.S. P.S. THE DEVIL MADE ME DO THIS.

GOBBLE THE FRIENDLY GHOST

2008-11-27T08:58:00.000-05:00

when i was a little tater tot i always had a vivid imagination always cutting and pasting....the rubber cement out 24-7....peeling back the paper on the crayons till there was only a twig stump to work with....P.S. magaenta was my favorite color which was created in 1949 and to date there are a 153 colors of crayola crayons. just a little side of factoid n cheese to go with your mashed potatoes and gravy..i loved the holidays...of course, i loved halloween it is what "we" refer to in my inner circles as "gay christmas" but as i turned the corner on my inch worm into november i felt a static electricity in the air...ironing leaves with wax, making turkeys for the cleary ice box museum out of paper plates, colored felt, and pipe cleaners. don't get me started with the things i made with glitter. so, as thanksgiving would approach an ol' school friend would come to visit me...i would hear a clangling on the back sliding glass door and their she would be with all of her beautiful plummage.....GOBBLE THE FRIENDLY GHOST. i would brush her feathers and i would lend her mom's vintage tiffany's double set of pearls. We would play kick the can with the leftover canned cranberry sauce. We would laugh and laugh. She always told the best off color jokes. I think she had something against the jews because she was always whispering something in yiddish...she would say NAFKA. NAFKA. NAFKA to my aunt effie who has been married 4 times and has two kids with no baby daddies. my cat fredrica french fry would always hiss and moan at gobble and i would have to separate the two of them...gobble loved to play with her toys..but fredica was not havin' any of that. as the hourglass ran out of thanksgiving and all the men would head out to the stumble inn for beers and darts before returning the next day to the coal mines to feed the families in our gated community aka "the trailer park." gobble would start to fade out and it would be harder and harder to see her. I would try to reach out and I would scream gobble gobble..and my grandmother betty would say "oh chris thinks he is a turkey how cute"...but no one knew the pain i was in and i how i longed for my feathered friend to stay with me to shelter me from the woods filled with buck tooth pedophilias and grizzly bears....gobble can you hear me....gobble can you hear me.....the man made mountains are alive with the cries of gang raped children. So, as my cousin puts out the name cards at the dining room table for dinner today, she places my boyfriend's card next to mine...as we start passing the stuffing, the candied yams, and gravy..i turn to him and say isn't the turkey so moist...and he smiles back with a mouthful of sweet potato pie and mumbles yes......and then my aunt rita looks over at the empty chair next to me and shots me her famous crazy eyes. I heart thanksgiving, but I cannot wait to leave Santa cookies and milk because he then comes up to play a game of crazy 8's before heading off to the next house.

THANK YOU CARDS OPTIONAL

2008-11-26T09:01:00.000-05:00

i guess this is the time of the month that we should smile a little bit bigger when we pass indians on the streets..and be thankful not just for the 21 pound turkey filled with stove top stuffing but for the genius who invented cranberry sauce....can i get a what what.....can i get a gobble gobble....SNAP.
so if i try for once to be serious in this blog thanksgiving is two words. THANKS and GIVING. so, i am thankful i have a job even though it is only from april to october...it is 6 days of week..and by the time august comes i feel like the whole parish of catholic priests gang raped me for my host...but i am thankful to have a job. i am thankful for my unemployment check. every two weeks going online and two days later on que my check comes and i suck down dirty martinis and drip myself in lacoste and jcrew as i hip hop from place to place. actually, i am thankful for JLC. he is a great dad. a dr. a poet. a diva. a white collar dad. i would not be thankful if he say worked construction when i was growing up...dirty boots in the house, smelly clothes on the plastic covered sofa...empty beer cans and cigarette butts dancing all over the den. our house on wheels heated by a propane tank...beating me with his suspenders because he caught me giving my older cousin, billy bob a blow job behind the outhouse...but dad we were just putting the garden hose away....REALLY? ..i just got so upset with that image i painted that i am starting to get misty waters right now. the holidays take a lot out of you. so, i am sipping coffee at my cousin's casa with my coffee..my cousin is shooting a episode of law and order so i am going to throw a beef brisket together for the family and try to make this pumpkin cheesecake with marshmallow topping...hello, does that not sound delish. i guess i should be thankful for not having not a worry in the world right now..but i have the cleary curse and i am worried about hundreds of things that are out of my control and carrying the weight of " i need to change this about myself", "i need to get rid of this toxic person in my life".....if i was a "smart gay" i would have someone hit me in the head with a brick and forgot my whole life and start over. GAME OVER. my pinball machine is hitting "TILT" so, i have to wonder when the pilgrims came down from canada did they kill all those indians because they really wanted to try out martha stewart's cornbread recipe or was it more like a gang thing...like this is our turf now...i could see the pilgrims in baggie jeans with their boxers hanging out...and wearing big ol' diamond necklaces with a cornacopia of bling. SNAP. but i think it was more god mixing up the melting pot...he wanted brown peeps, olive peeps and white peeps....oh i love the pink peeps at easter....i am thankful for that sugary confection too..... so, as we approach thanksgiving tomorrow whether we are serving tofukery at the soup kitchen to all the lazy bums who can't hold a job or fighting with your brother who is a drunk wife beater at your parents house or if you are having a cornish hen stuffed with cranberry pecan goatcheese stuffing with a mango glaze with your life partner, stephen. just remember long before there was pumpkin pie there was something called pride. so, let's stand together, hands open and say prayer that we are not in iraq caught up in a bushfire of bullets and sandstorms.
just like my mother told me every last thursday of every november....DON'T ASK DON'T TELL.

1/2 pound of thumanns ham sliced paper thin

2008-11-25T12:38:00.000-05:00

i just went to the a&p for my aunt riri..she was having a mini meltdown that she no groceries in the house for me to my cousin, glynis. so, i got the credit cards and car keys and went about my gal friday duties..well, i had to stand online for about 10 minutes at the deli counter...everyone must be making antipasto for thanksgiving..because EVERYONE was ordering a zillion pounds of meat. i got my cold cuts.... then breezed over to the fresh breads/sweets section...i was side tracked by the pies, cookies, muffins, and poundcakes....too many choices...so, i got all dizzy gillespie and started racing off what i thought was my shopping cart..only to see this dried prune sea leg claw reach out and pull it away from me...and i quickly turned around to see this old woman in these little glasses staring at me like i just raped her 15yr old grandson. i said very slowly to her....YOU NEED TO RELAX. NO ONE IS GOING TO STEAL YOUR RYE BREAD SWEETHEART. oh shit. she looked at me like i just ran over her jack russell....oops. as i sped off from my hit n run thinking i need to call my dr. and get some meds...maybes some valium or maybe a side by side shake of zanax and vicodin. i want whipped cream, cocoa powder and a cherry on top....then over the loudspeaker customer service said we got a bitchy fag in aisle 5 rustling up the turkey feathers of all the senior bettys up in here... i picked up a pumpkin pie from mrs. smith and i just learned that brooke shields plays hanana montana's mother on who wants to be a millionaire..... really? i did not know that piece of pop corn. actually, what is the most popular deli meat? a 1/2 pound of thumans ham, merideth....and by the way my aunt riri wants that shit sliced paper thin.

mashed potato pancake makeup

2008-11-24T12:17:00.000-05:00

i know i am a newbie at the bobbin' for blogs and i am getting emails from my peeps as to where my blog is? i should keep on this shit because i had such a jam packed weekend and my pussy is so tightly wrapped you would need a can opener to crack open this sardine can. i am at kate's in montclair..it is 11am..we just watched britney's vid for womanizer about 10 times on DVR. kate realizes now that she cannot live without a black wig and needs to start running to get her britney mojo back. keep ya updated on how that unplays.
madonna was a bit craisins. we had a sushi pre game before the show. i had 3 russian punches...don't ask me what sushi has to do with them? anyway, it was purple with lots of vodka and champange in it. kate got a sinus headache and was asking every random on the way into the show for advil. i think everyone thought that was a code word for coke or pot or crack? where is cokie roberts when ya need her? i miss her white gold straw.
i sat by myself in section 121. i met a married couple from galloway nj. they had a flask of vodka and one of black sambuca. needless to say i fricking sucking down sambuca on ice. in the middle of madge's opening number..two big security guards came with flashlights with this tool of a man. we had to get our tickets out because he was clueless where he was sitting.. well, my inner judy garland came out and i started having a diva fit. the guy was saying that i was in his seat..i said no your seat is next to me which all of my shit on it...new navy orvis blazer with shiny gold buttons and a silk pocket square...THANKS JLC...and my gangta down vest....he kept bitching..so, i told him i was going to fucking throw him into the next row if i could pick his fat ass up....the straight couple was eggin' my shit on...and it did help....well, he calmed down...only to realize that his wife/daughter were next to him. so, they both saw some crazy fag throwin shade and strands of pearls at their father. well, the icing on the black forest cake was that he had an actual CANE .i am not saying that we should give handicapped people a break. growing up JLC always parked in the handicap spot while i ran into the market to get some spam..actually, i think they should park farther away..they spend way too much time in their wheelchairs and now the powerized go carts the cruise around in now with the huge flags on them....they need their own bike line..and you know how much we get taxed for widening roads these days. we have enough problems after the last 8 years and we need to concentrating on britney's comeback..and that is bigger than the invention of fat free half n half.
so, i am going to stay at my cousin's glynis in closter. i am on the move again for a week. first atlantic city, now in montcair, then closter...then back to cape may. living out of the lacoste suitcases again. i am such a hot mess. i will tell you what i forgot to pack....M.I.A: flip flops..i hate slippers make my dogs sweat, my saline solution...have had my contacts in since saturday. not cute. huge bags under my eyes. the eye cream, depuffer, and the prep H is not going to help this....don't forget my under eye concealer and bronzer. ugh. it is so painful being 36 going on 70 in gay disco ball years. i forgot my regular sneakers and my boots. all i have is my running sneakers..which are gorgeous. but not 7 days straight...we will see if i even run while i am here. on top of that half the stuff i brought is dirty. need the washer/dryer on walnut st. STAT. the chimpmunk movie is on right now in the background and they are singing funky town. i feel like i just dropped a hit of acid and washed it down with a redbull/vodka. my hands are starting to shake..and i am seeing black spots out of corner of my eyes..if i start seeing blue birds with strands of flowers in their beaks i am going to lose my shit and puke up my starbucks on my macbook. really?
back to saturday night....or early sunday actually....kate ended up going to borgota to meet some cape may peeps aka dennis and alex the local photographer for the cape may rag, exit zero......it should be called zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
perfection. a game for all ages. i went to deja vu. it was very puerto rican and hard core lots of goya poom poom (look into that meaning)...you had to go thru a metal detector when you got in. love that. guns and gays. the perfect happy meal. just need a spongebob toy inside that is really a transformer flask in disguise....filled with kettel one. i am going to write ronnie mc d and do a power point on that shit
the jack and coke was flowing..i ended meeting a gay and his fag hag...we went to the other side of atlantic city to the westside lounge. SEEDY, KIDS... thank god for the madonna leftovers or it would have been tragic. i was dancing with 50 cent's gay body double, then i got tangled up in this queer sticker bush from outside philly...in the middle of giving free lap dances...i realized that my blazer and vest were on the dancefloor and everyone was dancing around that shit.
P.S. my wallet, iphone, all my plastic, and $$ in it. after i had a recovery mission..i sent my dancing kween on her way....did i go back to the marriott? HELL NO. ordering a jack/coke at 5am on a sunday morning is how i decided to wrap up the madonna mayhem with a big ol' sloppy ribbon on it. fast forward the beta to sunday night.... had a delish dinner with kate/paul at his cousin's in montclair. shout out to judy and tommy...perfect conversation..yummy pork with mango sauce and the sweets. judy introduced me to fried mayo. google it.
MONDAY 8:30PM i have had some tech difficulities getting on my blog today at my aunt riri's. so i am going to try to wrap this shit up finally.
on the bogart hall ithaca is gorges gossip wire...i heard this vicious rumor that joel rozen's wife had 6 babies...i mean all at once...and i was like doesn't he have 2 already...eight is enough was a very d list show and that does not to be anyone's reality....i was worried that joel was going to be shopping for his dress shirts and ties at walmart....and getting the scissors out to cut the plastic tie between his shoes off their sale rack..i am getting a rash just thinking about that...STOP. STOP. STOP. NO MORE ROLLBACKS. well, it was a rumor that went down the dixie cup phone chain.....meanwhile, back on the roof of plums, i feel lumpy mashed potatoes right now...jacked up on overflowin' candy dishes, sliced deli cheese, and pound cakes. closter is not FAT CAMP.
P.S. i left my brand new orvis blazer on the dancefloor of westside lounge. i hope that my scarf and blazer met up in purgatory where all the rest of my fashion floats around waiting for me.
i know something concrete for sure..when i am introduced to the devil..he is going to say...FYI christopher cleary....there is no music here, no booze, no smoking, no boys, and no disco balls.
THAT IS MY HELL PEOPLE.

MONTCLAIR MINUTE

2008-11-23T23:09:00.000-05:00

watching tv with kate and paul. stuffed and dipped in trans fat.
will recap all my shit tomorrow.
i start the new chapter of blogs.

hold the lettuce

2008-11-22T10:18:00.000-05:00

i am having one of those morning when you wake up and did not realize that you had a hoagie until you get to the kitchen and you see lettuce all over the floor and the greasy wrapper with the receipt taped to it that has a laundry list of toppings from pickles to extra mayo. not the look.
lost my vintage jcrew scarf.
hopefully left my credit/debit card at the last bar...time will tell.
kate's car is still in west cape may. at least a mile away.
good news got my first UE check.
PARTY ON BITCHES.
oh p.s. madonna is tonight.

S.O.S

2008-11-21T15:00:00.000-05:00

something is wrong with this shit today. i keep losing half of my text.
drama.
going to practice my dance moves for madonna.
i know she loves it when i crawl on the floor and get kicked off the box.
xoxo
cmc

see ya soon...

CLUB GAY SANDWICHES NOT NAVY SEALS

2008-11-20T10:59:00.000-05:00

i was going to dedicate this blog to informative things. i had a new tip for ya'll. i was going to start a new recipe of the week thing today and i was going to hand the JLC email of the week over to you on a tarnished silver polish. sorry there are no turks around to polish serving dishes, bitches. hey, that totally busta rhymes. actually, i was going to review some pop culture shit too. however, i was driving along the garden state parkway cyber highway this morning when i missed my exit and then i had to slam on the brakes when my nephew, ryan's 18yr old girlfriend, dana friend requested me on facebook...aka FB. i know your thinking what is a 36yr old gay male doing on FB. well, actually i am really an 18yr old girl in gay years...it is kind of like when you times your dog's age by 7 or is it 8.75? wait, i think that is sales tax? not sure. i tried out for mathletics in junior high, but i got benched and i was not handing out sippie cups of gatorade to the boys all winter. i grew up with a silver spoon in my mouth, not some damn spork.
once again, pictures makes a night where my visual kept fading to black and my audio kept dropping out of my headpiece....CRYSTAL CLEAR IN H.D. pre february 2009 digital cable turf war takeover... Dana has two albums on her FB where there are at least a dozen pictures of me making a sandwich of my 11yr old niece and my sister in law sister's sue aka cougar...i am like the gay lean turkey roll inbetween the acme brand white bread. lots of messy mayo in the middle. was i channelling my trailer park inner peeps...grinding up with family. very chipped beef and toast of me. where is my mullet wig and bad teeth? oh yeah, i left those in the back of the police car on halloween. oh shit. well, by the time you get to album two page 3...i am on the floor with dana attempting to do the worm or some ol' school break dance move....instead i look like i am in the WWF giving her a smackdown. not cute. oh well, at least all the straights had plenty to talk about the next day. Pat's brother is so crazy. I guess what they say is true about the gays there are all about the drama. make mine diet, please. so, i guess the next time i go the gay pride parade in riverdale, nj i better wear my running shoes and a helmet just in case half the town comes chasing after me with baseball bats and fire torches. i just want everyone to know i support navy seals and i understand that they are an endangered species.
P.S. I DO FEED THE ANIMALS AT THE ZOO.

SNORE A BORA BORA ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

2008-11-19T13:20:00.000-05:00

in the past month of so i am starting to take on very ugly personality traits or my body is starting to show true signs that it in serious need of a new waxin' with a botox n glow and an IV of nasal spray. after 36 years and 20 of those years owning fredrica french fry, my beautiful sheba diva of a midnight black cat...who by the way had her front paws declawed but still used to run up trees only to fall off half way up....pure animal planet entertainment for a 7 year old girl. back to what i was trying to spit up...i realizing that i may now be allergic to cats...say what? i know. i had a fit over on sixth avenue a couple times...sneezing uncontrollable till a gallon of snot flew out onto my wool jcrew crewneck....do you know how hard it is to get mucus out of lambswool? it ain't pretty...then i was visiting my friend kate and she unleashed her 3 pussies from the back porch...i felt like somebody threw attic insulation in the heating vents and millions of glass bread crumbs were stuck to my contac lens...JLC told me your body is constantly changing....really? i did not notice all the lines in my forehead, grey hair, and the raccoon eyes pitching tents and setting up a senior citizen fat camp on my head.
i ain't having this next shat either.....to the most recent episode and it has me tossing and turning in my pj's. i was informed yesterday that i have started snoring as loud as lioniel richie...i don't actually what that means? But, if it makes your sleepover buddy retreat the fort and head for the lumpy slipcovered sofa...that ain't pretty. i was informed that if you are drunk that is one thing but snoring is not for the SOBER. so, last night i had another slumber party and i was panicing if a chainsaw was going to pop out of my right nostril and start chopping up stephen's elm trees for firewood. i kept saying sleep on your back, don't go on your side and most def. don't face him with your fog horn mouth. i think i did a bit better...i only got a couple taps in the middle of the night to shut the fuck up. i did wake up a couple of times from a bad dream that stephen opened a candy shop on the washington mall...and was so mean that he threw penny candy at people...i ain't saying shit about that...read into that whatever way you like, beyatches. it must have not been that bad because i did not wake up to an empty sleeping bag this morning.
what is next? i am going to be allergic to tuna fish in oil? horses? pansies and tulips?
better yet...i am going to start wetting the bed or sleeping walking onto broadway in my spider pig underoos? all i have to say is if that i start crapping my pjs and am allergic to vodka i am buying a one way first class ticket to bora bora and i am going to be a beachcomber and live off coconuts and plankton.

experienced limbo players only need apply

2008-11-18T16:34:00.000-05:00

the temp dropped into the 40's today with the wind it feels like it is 20. feeling the effects of off season. i left for vacation with a fresh coat of bleach on the kitchen floor, so i did not really have much down time in cape may....opened fridge today to a bottle of ketchup and mustard. acme was a mid day trek battling the winds. i cleaned up the penthouse a bit and organized some of my things....made some soup and felt very beige so i watched 5 episodes of 30 rock.....after last night trying to watch eagle vs shark..only made it into minute 18. then, watching the movie bug....which sent me into a deep twisted sleep of having a nightmare that i got tied up with saran wrap and tortured....need to lay off the dots candy and cadbury candy bars..and the dodgey left over jersey corn that i froze.
P.S. it is not good to freeze fresh corn, it tastes like rotten slim jims. yuck. so, made soup for one for lunch. chicken for one is on deck for din dins. i put my time in west cape may and the hourglass ran out of sand for now.....so, it is time to tread thru icey waters till friday when kate will arrive from montclair and we will juicy it up till madonna. thank god she decided to take my advice and play atlantic city before thanksgiving. we must give her much thanks...and thank whoever came up wth canned cranberry sauce....GENIUS. time to slip into my long johns and get the limbo stick out before 5pm.......how low can you go???? and is it still cheating if no one is playing the game with you?

ANTI FREEZE

2008-11-17T12:28:00.000-05:00

got back to cape may yesterday after an 18 day holiday that had me up the ladders to kinnelon then down the chutes to clearwater, florida. i returned back to 309 howard street this morning to find my halloween stuff still out. time to pack up the glitter witches and pumpkins STAT. still have tons of unpacked boxes from the tin house and the penthouse is littered with piles of clothes. i decided to not let me A.D.D. strangle me and start too many projects today. it is bit chili fries down here today and it feels like snow...shhh, don't say that three times in row... miss the flip flops and sunshine of florida already. there is something to be said about living in a warm place in the winter. i rode back to cape may from philly with my boss, NG, yesterday. i was still banged up from cocktails and a late night of madonnarama at pure. it is hard to get a fag off the dancefloor when they are remixin' the shit of out of every madge song one after the other. i felt like i was gonna overdose on those beats. call 911, beyatch.... preparing for the real thing on satuday night in atlantic city. tears, screams, and heavy clapping will be much needed. gotta get my 385.00 in. i am a bit scattered and on overload today..so, there is not too much meat on this blog bone. i skipped sunday. why? because jesus and the virgin mary said i could take a day off...plus, i got de-puffer cream in my eye and it felt like some puerto rican banshee girl slashed my eyelid with a box cutter. the streets here are empty, no cars or randoms walking around. the trolley goes by with a couple tourists getting in some shots.....and as you look down beach drive all you see are the traffic lights blinking "red" a true sign that mother is whipping a nasty batch of cookies and it is time to start packing my steamer trunks for my next trip. audi 5000.

RECIPE FOR CMC: ONE PART HOT TO TWO PARTS MESS

2008-11-15T14:18:00.000-05:00

i am officially a blogger junkie. i am in philly right now stopped at the starbucks on walnut to tap into my mac book to do a quickie before i check into diva headquarters...the marriott hotel. i tried to blog via my iphone on the bus but i could not get into the text part of this shit.there was an asian girl that i had very bad thoughts going on in my lollipop...then she became my bbf because she was into my 4 apple products going on in my greyhound cubby hole.. there must be something in the lo mein lately or the duck sauce has roofies in the orange dye # 5 because once again there is a video out there of me boozed up and dancing. actually, it was at my nephew, ryan's going away to the navy bye bye see ya in 6 yrs or so. i don't know but they had two hoagies that were as long as some guy's...really? actually, they were at least 20 feet. i know i heart that much cold cuts gettin' together for a good cause. GO ARMY. anyway, my dad was macked out in his new 100 % percent cashmere blazer from brooks brothers....i was cummin' in my cashmere/wool cargo pants. my sister in law, cindy, said they were 80's...say what, beyattttch?
anyway, i was drippin' in black shirt. black tie. black shirt. everyone is fricking jeans and no frills vacation spot t shirt. like port jervis and shit with fish and wilderness scenes...i ran into some random peeps from my old thornton drive days..i have not seen them in about 30 years. i miss living in north haledon. fooling around in the red barn behind steven's house with the boys. marc and gary too. oh shit. there were a lot of gays up on that block. i actually don't think i have ever told anyone that shit. oooops..i just let the labadoodle out of my purse....oh shit..i am spitting up pearls and cum. so actually, i hit the card table bar and jackie daniels was perched there waving to me...meanwhile, back on the roof of the riverdale civic center...in 3 hours i was wearing a plastic navy hat, having my 11 year niece limewire madonna....then i was dancing to 4 minutes with my nephew's friends tick tock tick tock...ONE PART HOT. TWO PART MESS. one of the 18yr old boys had the sickiest body. i wasn't seeing it and was instant oatmeal a fucking daddy at 37. really, i used to be a twinkie boy chicken...actually, i look good for my age. i look young. actually, i just bought $110 an oz face serum. so that take that fuckin tyra. i am sick of being a supermodel. i am a big a fish in a small pond and i want to get off this merry go around..and i want to be playing with steven, marc, and gary in the sandbox on thorton drive.
p.s. sorry mom i think i am going to hell. i will send a postcard i promise.

smothered pork chops

2008-11-14T10:25:00.000-05:00

i have and still want to write a book. ever since i was a little tater tot playing with matchbox cars and strawberry shortcake dolls i have etch a sketched the book sleeve bio of me, the perfect lady in waiting a quick modge podge of my life. grew up a latch key kid with homo tendencies, creative and was vaccumming and pledgin' the family work work since the age of 6, business school in upstate new york, The Culinary Institute of America "the best fucking one in the USA, actually,"
my shining moment being asked to on The Rosie O Donnell Show, took some time off to experiment with clubs and drugs, fell into a destructive relationship ditch which took five years with a dodgey compass and some weak twine to pull myself out of that tar pit...to be reborn a follower of the lord in cape may and give back to fight the evils of cancer and help small children and animals. Christopher Cleary is now living in his Philadelphia loft with his partner of 5 years with their two dogs and writing his memoir to come out in the distant future.
OH SHIT. I got a little craisins there and carried away with that..i don't think i even had the eye-hand cordination back in the 70's to even spell my intials let alone spew out that crap....blow big bubbles my mom always said..then you can fit more dreams in them. i just totally lied. i just made that shit up.i should start writing cards for hallmark. don't you hate it when you trying to find the perfect way to tell someone that there an asshole and you don't want it too fluffy with two many watercolor birds and turtles on the front....and then you don't want to be too comic strip where the person thinks your only kidding and that your really don't wish you never met them.
there is a market out there. ya just have to bitch slap it.

stripper pole and dinner date etiquette

2008-11-13T13:08:00.000-05:00

it has been raining all day in north jersey at the jlc compound...as i sit here sippin a cup of tea letting my two diner trips deposit fat into my tummy i have been mulling over my performances at various venues in the florida area." how much time do you spend on the runway? do you try to incorporate your dance partners style or do you flip it down and just go ol' school freestyle? do you grind the person on the box with you if they are ugly? and/or female? is crawling on the catwalk considered a little too atlanta ghetto banshee black girl hoochie? if you spill your drink on your partner while straddling the pole is that considered a risk factor...just like if you play football you might get tackled..break a limb and get some grass stains on your outfit...actually, i think the NFL scotch guards their stuff real good. and how many times can you flash your "on vacation" card to the bouncer when he escorts you off the box? i say at least 10 times and after that 10th hole punch you should get a free shot of starbucks espresso or an irish car bomb...that is all i am saying...memberships has its rewards these days.
that then brings me back to a tiny little dish of drama i was served up last wed. night in philly. i went to dinner with a friend who i briefly dated last year. i was staying with some friends that night before i flew out to florida.so, i thought it would be nice to catch up with him over cocktails and some rations before i went to their apartment.
it started off cute. martinis flowin'..cheese platter goin'...well, 5 or 6 tinis deep the conversation started to get a bit funky..and i was hearin' that i was thoughtless, living in a bubble down in cape may, blah blah..well, that did not help wash down my beef oxtail over mac/cheese honey.
a couple more cocktails later, we were in the pouring rain walking to his car and he is yelling like a school girl....WHAT ABOUT MY NIGHT? WHAT ABOUT WHAT I WANT TO DO? WHATI AM JUST A FILLER TO YOU? actually, the icing on the queer cupcakes was when he raced off from 0 to 60 in his car with all of my stuff in the car...including my new apple macbook....p.s. this is a respected professional business man from philly...i think someone is blowing some bubbles thru a crazy straw in his parts..i know all my bleeders are on the edge of their seats thinking..OH MY GOD DID YOU GET YOUR STUFF BACK???? oh please, his drunk ass drove right around the block..you know i was ready to call the police and give them the 411. shit, no is going to fuck up my plans to visit my bbf in clearwater.... bottom feeder line is he thought i was going to go back to his place so he could get laid....really? really. it boils down to etiquette and what is classy? and what is white trash? and what is just down right a fucking hot mess! I guess I am going to have to check with emily post, miss manners, and www.gaydinnerdates.com whether a dozen martinis and a perfectly braised piece of meat means pull out your cock and legs over head, boy and is the boxes and catwalks at clubs there for you to act like a complete jerk off or should we just reserve them for the professional strippers who are working to pay their rent, put captain crunch on the table for their 3 kids, and support their coke habit at age 19.
life is a mystery....... and hello, madonna said that shit

BULLETS SOLD SEPARATE

2008-11-12T08:47:00.000-05:00

i hate packing to go away. always bring way too many outfits. i try to pick a theme such as heroin chic rugby playa, jcrew on smack, and one of my favorites baby phat newark drug dealer with a splash of upper class irish american brooks brother style...and i have a dance off with packing a mock turtleneck, sports bra, and a fanny pack for those "what if" situations. what happens if i go away and everyone is dressing down in lesbian L.L. bean couture....excuse me taxi driver, can we make a stop at the local army/navy store and home depot. i forgot my flannel coat and my shit kickers..packing to go home can be just as annoying...trying to keep your dirty underwear, smelly socks, and sandy bathing suits away from that silk blouse you got a chance to runway. HINT: save a a plastic shopping bag and pack those dirty knickers and that spam slider stained t shirt in there. actually, you can just mix whites and colors together and wash everything when you get home. i totally understand a fresh bounty fresh start.
i hate to say goodbye. i don't know if it is deep rooted in my bone marrow from my mother dying when i was 9 and my dad starting up a speed dating service at 2 thornton drive looking for candiates for the next "mommy" ok, ladies...line up along the hedges in single file. please have your applications fully completed, resumes and references are smiled upon, and a photo I.D. is required. well, don't get me started on how that all played out. another time. another blog, oh shit. So, I pack abandonment issues in my titanic steamer trunk aka my "BAGGAGE"
so, i try to make it quick during depatures.... a random hug without a full bear hug embrace, a pathetic peck on the cheek, a high speed rant...call ya, text ya, email ya, see ya soon, thanks again, love ya, mean it beyatch.
i sit in front of gate a in the tampa airport. treadin in the riptide wondering what the fuck i am going to do with the next 5 months off...go back to the sand crack of my ass, cape may and pick up my script from the studio. it is so hard playing the gay lead in this dramedy!! an epic tragedy of "sweeps time" proportions...i think my character is in for a real pager turner this season...i wake up out of my booze infested coma and stop blowing smoke screens of a being a "relationship with the man of my dreams"... i adopt the baby i have always craved and become a famous author.
HOLD UP.
MY SHOW DOES NOT GO THAT FAST.
THAT IS GOING TO TAKE AT LEAST TWO SEASONS TO UNFOLD.
actually, there are rumors all over the net that my character gets killed off in the season opener.
oh well...i am at exactly 50 pounds with my suitcase and i am not paying Continental another penny. so, the gun will have to go back into the end table, i will snooze for another 365.. and i will have to remember to not pack that extra pair of shoes next time..gotta bail my flight is boarding.

HAPPY VETERANS DAY

2008-11-11T13:05:00.000-05:00

it is a national holiday or wait is it state holiday? i don't know but I had to work this morning. I had to answer 6 or 7 random questions about shit online and then the NJ dept of labor is going to send me my check. I know I was thinking the same thing...WHY I AM NOT OFF TODAY??? everyone else is. if the homeless people are taking a day off from panhandling so that the vets can get some extra poppy sales..then i should be get time and a half this tuesday 11/11/2008. now if that does not scream USA, i does not know what does? actually, organic batter blasters does. if you have not seen it? you must google that hot spray mess and watch the demo video. it looks easier than it seems and it don't make 20 something pancakes..you end up scorchin' half of them and pitchin' them in the trash...and you don't even want a damn pancake...more work on this holy ....ist of days.... anyway, i thought it was really a vets day and all the dr's that take care of all the sick and baby animals had a day off to pat themselves on the back for saving lifes. but then i ran into this guy who lost his leg in the war who had a cup holder with a mountain dew and an oxygen tank on the back of his medical go cart....was the mountain dew diet, you ask? NO, it was not. it should be a diet pop..I went to an upscale beer bar last night called independent in st. petes..that serves wine, too. i was told by the man working that this sample tastes like bananas and nuts. say what? i heart those two items and together i actually heart them even more..it is like a rainbow of fruit flava...however, i don't think there is anything classy or "TADA" about beer. G to H to E to T to T to O. I said I was going to keep this shit short today because it was a holiday.
I am
I am leaving Clearwater to return to NJ tomorrow morning. I love vacations for another reason. Makes you realize how much you really hate your life and how your in a loveless relationship and you need to eat more green veggies. oh well. fuck it. maybe next time i will buy two poppies in front of the market from the dr. morganstein (that is famous gay doggie dr. in clearwater.) I know we have a vet in cape may that is a fag too. it is such a small world. walt disney was so spot on with that ride and he loved pancakes too.

section 8 and government cheese, 100% processed drama

2008-11-10T12:17:00.000-05:00

i spent half the morning in florida while katie is molding young apostles minds how to divide 7 dashes of holy water into 365 bodies of christ while brandon protects and serves the local waters off florida and around too. i think? i don't know if the gulf of mexico, is part of their turf. i think maybe the cops on blow-up rafts protect that..i know that they do on the intercoastal section and at seaworld...back to how i spent my morning..i was trying to balance hot coffee, facebook updates, iphoto shop, paying attention to the dog, and oh yeah calling nj dept of labor to see if my unemployment kicked in yet. fricking busy signal about 30 times. iphones don't have redial. say what? i know, killin' me with that shit. short story long..it is up and running and i file tomorrow morning. it is a long winter till work starts again in april. sometimes you have to decide between a new lacoste bag or a block government cheddar straight from the camden dairy farms? some months you are skinnier than others. we usually turn our trailer around to face northeast. better sunlight and stretches the life of our propane tanks.
one more full day in florida and then up north to JLC's again for a brief stint. i just got back from a quick bike ride to the market..i decided to pick up a perdue fryer chicken and some of the fixing..cranberry, chicken stock, carrots, cookie dough, and M&M's...well, i could not remember the combo to the bike lock..it is a birthday..and i was going thru number combos with the sun roasting my bird and my irish ass...i was emailing katie at the school on my phone..i finally got remembered it...thanks dennis. i decided to stop for smokes at the CVS..well, the weight of the groceries in the basket... almost sent me flying into the propane re-fill station next the shopping carts in front of CVS. don't you get that shit at the hardware store or at some dodgey gas station with a 250lb man covered in grease and a whistling tooth.?? i managed to bring the bike to a hault.....and then i get to the doors of the CVS to see a huge bright neon orange sign from the local fire dept. saying this CVS has no fire alarms or sprinklers at this time. OH SHIT.

"GAY OUT OF TOWNER BLOWS UP CVS DUE HIS 8 POUND CHICKEN ON HIS GIRL BIKE"

a sprig of cilantro with one teaspoon of crushed roofies

2008-11-09T11:45:00.000-05:00

actually, we were going to go to this one restaurant but actually there was a bride standing guard at the door. so, we went to this mexican place..i had the number 3 combo...which was a lot of shredded meat, cheese, and iceberg. brandon had a cuban that had ham, steak, chicken, cheese and a sliced hot dog. yes, a fricking hot dog. that is banana nut crunch, peeps. oh i forgot that there was a fried egg up on that trunk.. the tex mex community really know to combine their meat by-products. is that a cuban, fidel? mirtha said it was called cuban car bomb in east l.a.... we had to take a pit stop on sharondale to battle some heartburn.

TIP OF THE DAY:
HEARTBURN HAYTTA REMEDY

take a tablespoon of baking soda with a half glass of warm water.
tastes like you just got plowed by a huge wave in the atlantic, but it breaks that shit down in your chest, STAT.

the dunedin, florida wine and music festival was cutes. lots of random drunks on the street, overflowing trash cans, a hammered leather faced woman resisting her husbands efforts to get her unstuck from the atm machine. can you fricking move so i can get some bar cabbage, pleassssse.
just like moses parted the red sea..a vision of golden locks and this one was major. i met michelle. the infamous realtor who brings her own jelly shots to the bar, sometimes says she is black via cell phone to advance her bar status. i cannot even put it in words how crazy 8's she is but i will say that a guy came up to us and asked for an extra chair at the chic filet boom boom box room and i said sure..he gave us the thumbs up sign...michelle says.....WHAT DID YOU SAY? YOU WANT TO STICK YOUR THUMB UP MY FRIENDS BUTT? oh shit. her brother is gay too and he looks like the hot backstreet boy with the black hair. google him on your iphone. i did. tasty cakes. actually, there is a pancake mix that comes in a spray can...she said it is in the thing that you know with the door..the freezing part. really? i think all gay people know each other because we all have a really hard time wearing watches on our limp wrists.

TUNA TA-DA....giving a shout out to the mercy vocational high school cookbook....snaps.

no one puts "the gay" in the corner

2008-11-08T15:46:00.000-05:00

it sounded like a brilliant idea taking video at the honey pot club. actually, it was more brilliant watching me trying to do my best boozey heidi klum on the catwalk. all needed was a fricking vicky secrets teddy dripping in gumdrops and diamonds....and a set of glittered wings. BUT, then how would I been able to straddle that girl that i ended up taking a sleigh ride down her country side. let me tell you girls, she "def" needs to mow the meadows or that twink using his moby giveway maxi cd single as a chanel fan...heart improv props on the dancefloor...i don't know if the gays down here would say crawling is dancing or a sport? but, i have high hopes that it will go over well at blur tonight in dunedin. time will tell, beyatches. i am still in a steak and shake coma. i started with coleslaw, washed that down with chili fries, raked my stomach over with a mocha melt and sealed the deal with steakburger with da works. i got a school girl crush on a side by side shake server, austin...he was like 2 in gay years...so, i am totally turning into a daddy...oh shit... so, actually, i advice you to video tape yourself the next time you at the club with 50 or britney. makes you take stock in the fact that you always could use another crunk class and your hot than you think when you see yourself thru the mirrored balls up above...take me to the clouds above..whitney once said...pre crack pipe days and bobby b. i picked up a new word and i am clinging to it major....actually, it was a cool club but not a cool cool club. i heart clearwater...may the waters be not so murky and clouded up by greek meat on a stick, double red bulls and vodkas, and car bombs. we all need a belfast beatdown once and awhile. so, check out my "FB" and watch my vids of my redick ass trying to be jennifer grey..i know i am like a 14 year catholic school girl. who's fault is that? JLC.
payce for now. actually, i lied. i am professional dancer so pass me my legwarmers, gurl