i never realized that lesbians had so much drama in their life. i thought they were fun loving flower power people sitting around braiding braclets out of hemp and singing carol king songs. " i liked to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony...blah blah blah....UNTIL, i met my cousin, mercedes maria lisa, in the lobby of the marriott marina hotel in downtown tampa, florida. she started ranting off about one in the navy, one in the army, one from the cheesecake factory , and one in a pear tree. did you know that you can transfer from one cheesecake factory to the other? i did not know you could cross state lines. actually, i think you need to go thru a corporate training program because depending on the region determines the flavors of chesecake. i know that when i went to the CF in costa rica they had a lot with bananas. ok back to LOGO. holy shit. brandon aka diva below the mason dixon line. is that like the jar or is it like the college george mason or.....had his 2nd xmas fit of the day. 1. over katie wanting to wrap the xmas presents for the stockings. really? really. i am going to debate that shit when i go to debate club back in north cape may at the VFW hall. go cape may cougars. don't get that mistaken for middle age girls who like younger guys. they are pumas. fit #2 over not being able to fit adult size elf tights for the xmas bar bike tour. i heart florida beef n beer blasts and old men over 65 who like to go out for early bird din dins at 430pm. i am so getting a sugar daddy dipped in glitter, lettuce, and popcorn.
back on ellen's ranch...my cousin, met this girl from jacksonville florida on the 3rd day she had her myspace. well, fast forward five hot mess minutes later she was packing up her wifebeaters and skate or die sneakers and moving to florida. someone get that girl a safety pin and pop her banana bubble. well, they never moved in together because her gay dreamcatcher home depot lightbulb went off and she found out the chic was a 35 loser with no job. no coins in da bank. no life. somewhere in the carpet munching puddin' there was a couple girls that looked like young skater boys. really? really. yes, i saw some camera phone pics. and yes, camera pics make you look more butch and add 8oz to you face. SNAP.
i am so glad that i met up with my cousin, mercedes maria lisa, because she opened a whole new can of tuna fish in oil to my eyes. have you ever googled google? it comes up goggle. actually, i am late because james lipton is interviewing me on inside the gay actors studio. the topic is my new documentary on bananas. it is very riveting and a tear jerker. i get a bunch of bananas and hand them out to homeless people. i am a mother fucking giver, people. so start giving this kwanza and the only time you should be getting something for nothing is when uncle charlie is jacked up on cocaine and dewers plowing the shit out of your ass. actually, i heart it when i my uncle billy used to teabag me. SCREW MISTLETOE.
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