buffalo chicken dip filled the air. the blue spruce was singin' silent night. mother nature hung crystals on all the tree branches and the lawns were wrapped in snowy blankets. lebanon, pa was it's a wonderful life 2.0 i thought i was borrowing the iron to bring back to the mansion to iron my wool/cashmere patchwork limited edition jcrew slacks. INCORRECT. they were having an ironing station at the party. right next to the dining room table filled with a glorious selection of savories and sweets, i would have a picnic table set up with a iron, spray n starch, and ironing board. guests could line up and i would wrinkle free everything from xmas sweaters, oxfords, pants, and a portable steamer next to the tree for fine silks and cocktail dresses/skirts.
OMG WTF BBQ.
GTFO.
GFY.
FOAD.
i am cereal, no one puts bambino in da corners, papi.
JLC just threw a snowball at me..."you shouldn't wear your hat in the house...your gonna lose all your hair" then he just turned the lights up in the room so high that my eyes are twitchin'. home sweet and sour home. pass me the miso soup and don't hog all the pork friend rice, you MSG whore. i just rubbed my eyed and realized i never blended in my prep-h under my eyes before i went out xmas shopping so i probably look like a piece of fried chicken tea bagged my eyes all day. i guess you could call that a dot burton pearl necklace? oh shit and those pearls are 100 percent dipped, bitch.
FOMO COCKTAIL BREAK: we just cracked open the champagne and i am sippin it in the living room as i type and she puts the first box labeled "good balls" up on the tree. i wonder where we keep the bad balls?
ok, so my iron is all heated up and i am behind my station at on east high street. ok people line up in a single file. make sure you have a ticket for me....ok people single file. NO PUSHING. if you start pushing. you will lose your turn and have to go to the back of the line. ok, take your pants off. hey no back talking. ok, sir you want a nice pleat in your trousers. please let's only have one line. tony can you go and get me another bottle of spray n starch. christina, be a dear and go get another case of hangers. after 3 hours of constant pressing and de wrinkling i was set free to drink, eat, be merry? no, i then i was assigned to dirty paper plates, empty glasses, and scanning the floors for lost canapes and christmas cookie crumbs duty. i thought it was a given that tony was going to be a busser and server for the party being the only token "black"....actually the only minority at the party. well, there were some gays there.....they like to think of themselves as the queens of the crop..but we all know they are like bottom feeders sucking every other plankton off. pig play and water sports. rejoice and amen. it could be worse i could be living in zimbanwe standing along a road in matabeleland, barefoot stuffing my pockets with corn kernels that have blown off the truck that are made for animal feed but stuffing in my pocket like they are gold coins.
AND I AIN'T MAKING THAT PART UP. I read about them on the front page of the new york times... what a wonderful world we live in? only in america can a baby be born with a tumor in the side of her head but then they operate and find out that she had a mcdonalds happy meal in that tumor. a little mr. potato head with exchangable hands and feet and funny noses too or what was it a slinky or maybe a shrinky dink? i get my happy meal toys mixed all the time.
gosh darn shucks.
NOW THAT IS BANANAS FOSTER POTATO AU GRATIN.
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